[junkDNA]

was thinking about former T when i heard this in a song:

"It's like you're screaming, and no one can hear
You almost feel ashamed
That someone could be that important
That without them, you feel like nothing
No one will ever understand how much it hurts
You feel hopeless; like nothing can save you
And when it's over, and it's gone
You almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back
So that you could have the good"

the other night i found myself wondering what my life would be like if i had never reported him and stayed with him. i cant imagine it, though. he told me he wanted me to be with me for the rest of my life, even when i found a husband and started my own family. yet, he would get jealous if i hung out with a guy, and would tell me not to. which i obliged.

he meant the world to me at the time. the thought of being without him felt like death.

i do miss some things. does that make me bad? crazy? strange??

yeah, there were GOOD things. but there were lots more bad things. i guess that's what it came down to in the end... the bad started to outweigh the good

just a random thread, some thoughts i was having... thanks for listening

[precaryous]

Im sorry you are hurting.

Glad you are away from him. From what you've shared, I feel he didn't have your best interest at heart...and he didn't encourage you to look out for your best interests, either.

When I read these lyrics I immediately thought about the struggling feelings you have shared about your current t.

Do you feel this ambivalence you have with former T is related to the ambivalence you are feeling about being dependent on current T?

I can relate- I can remember when AbusivePdoc meant the world to me. I loved the "love" I felt for him. I miss that.

When my father passed away I suggested to my mother that we postpone the funeral one more day so I could see AbusivePdoc one more time before we jetted off to our home state for the services. Can you believe that!? I remember thinking, "He's (father) not going anywhere..what's the hurry?" That relationship with Pdoc had me doing and saying all kinds of things I would have never done if I was in my right mind. My moral compass went out the window.

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by precaryous

Im sorry you are hurting.

Glad you are away from him. From what you've shared, I feel he didn't have your best interest at heart...and he didn't encourage you to look out for your best interests, either.

When I read these lyrics I immediately thought about the struggling feelings you have shared about your current t.

Do you feel this ambivalence you have with former T is related to the ambivalence you are feeling about being dependent on current T?

I can relate- I can remember when AbusivePdoc meant the world to me. I loved the "love" I felt for him. I miss that.

When my father passed away I suggested to my mother that we postpone the funeral one more day so I could see AbusivePdoc one more time before we jetted off to our home state for the services. Can you believe that!? I remember thinking, "He's (father) not going anywhere..what's the hurry?" That relationship with Pdoc had me doing and saying all kinds of things I would have never done if I was in my right mind. My moral compass went out the window.

yes, probably. i want to be close to T, but that also scares the hell out of me. because i could end up really hurt. i told him that once. that he has the potential to make me feel really bad

[precaryous]

This bothers me, too.
T has encouraged and supported my attachment all along. I understand my attachment better, really, due to this board. It has helped me discuss attachment with T. I didn't even know the word until I read this board.

I wonder how I will feel when T retires? I'm hoping she will recommend a T that is good for me. I hope the transition goes smoothly.

[WrkNPrgress]

Originally Posted by junkDNA

was thinking about former T when i heard this in a song:

"It's like you're screaming, and no one can hear
You almost feel ashamed
That someone could be that important
That without them, you feel like nothing
No one will ever understand how much it hurts
You feel hopeless; like nothing can save you
And when it's over, and it's gone
You almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back
So that you could have the good"

i do miss some things. does that make me bad? crazy? strange??

I appreciate this song and the thread.

It's not unusual to feel grief, even for a toxic / bad / or abusive relationship. I'm a few months out of mine and I miss aspects of the relationship and aspects my Ex every day. I will never go back but it's hard to feel that loss. There are reasons we fell in love, reasons it felt good at times. Give yourself a break on this. It's human.

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by WrkNPrgress

I appreciate this song and the thread.

It's not unusual to feel grief, even for a toxic / bad / or abusive relationship. I'm a few months out of mine and I miss aspects of the relationship and aspects my Ex every day. I will never go back but it's hard to feel that loss. There are reasons we fell in love, reasons it felt good at times. Give yourself a break on this. It's human.

thanks... i kinda akin it to stockholm syndrome. even though he was only with me to essentially abuse and exploit me, i loved him. and missed him terribly after i reported him... for years.. i missed him and loved him. that has slowly faded though and has been replaced by anger.

my current T said it was basically like

Possible trigger:

child rape

. my current T said when he first met me i was basically like a child. i also feel like a T/client sexual relationship has

Possible trigger:

incestual

qualities if there is transference at play..

[Erebos]

I agree with Wrknprogress, it's easy over time to look with nostalgia at those toxic relationships.
Often what made them intensely painful made them intensely intimate,obsession feels like love.So does possessiveness. It's normal to pine for what you know. It's sad. Don't feel bad.