Trying to get out

First off I just want to TRULY AND SINCERELY thank everyone for commenting and giving a **** at all. TRULY. It means a lot to me that there are all of these people that I don't know who care enough to help me through this nightmare. I AM going to get out. I know I am close. Every time I see him is a reminder of how little he has to offer me.

I went yesterday and it was "better" than last week. I didn't cower in fear like I did last week. But it was still ridiculous. He is TRULY bad at his job. When I bring up anything that makes him uncomfortable he immediately changes the subject and steers it in a completely different direction. I brought up that I'm talking to more and more people about my situation and he said that that was really good for me to get that out and reach out to other people. Then I reminded him that every single person I've talked to about this says I should run for my life and that it's a toxic relationship and he completely ignored that and changed the subject.

He and T2 talked this week and he's clearly pretty annoyed with T2 confronting him on ****. T1 said, as T2 did, that I'm going to need to decide between the two of them. We made a list of pros and cons of each of them, and he said "From what you've listed it sounds like T2 is the obvious choice." To which I said "Does that mean you think I should leave?" To which he responded "No, I want you to say. You love to twist things around and not hear what I'm really saying."

He's NUTS. And I think maybe not very bright. But him just saying "I want you to stay" was a crumb that got me high all day. It faded and now today I'm hungry again.

He said "from that list it seems like T2 is the obvious choice, so why are you still coming here." I said: "BECUASE I'M SEXUALLY OBSESSED WITH YOU AND DESPERATE TO GET YOU TO SAY YOU FEEL DESIRE FOR ME AGAIN BUT I'M TERRIFIED OF YOU REJECTING ME AGAIN."

He said: "Well, our work together means you having to overcome that fear."

He's NUTS.

I opened the session by saying that I wish I knew exactly where things went wrong. He said "What makes you think things have gone wrong? Maybe this is exactly where the therapy needs to be."

He says I'm too judgmental of everything--he's always "correcting" my words. He said to stop looking at things in terms of good or bad. I said: "Well, a few weeks ago when I was shopping for guns on the internet to blow my brains out over this situation with you, that felt pretty bad." He just completely changed the subject.

He sucks.

And I made another appointment with him. Because I tell myself if I can bring myself low enough to beg him to tell me again how he desires me and get him to hold my hands again that'll get me high for at least a couple of days.

Feeling so sick today. I feel like this guy is an actual parasite eating me alive. SO draining.

Its like you dont realize youre in therapy. You take things literally, like in the cartoon Bobbys World.

When you say you are terrified of him rejecting you, HE hears the 12-year old you. Thats a good thing.

But when he says he wants you to stay, you hear him saying it lover-to-lover, in the present. Thats not bad, per se, but you cant instantly switch from 12 year old to grown woman in session. "Thats not how it works!"

The 12 year you is not safe with this person. He needs to be a t, not a lover. The safe t is just absent. I think thats why you say hes a bad t. It does take gentle maneuvering, imo.

What helped me, honestly, was finding another t (say t3) that i found as attractive as t1. THEN i realized it was me, not them, cuz i was insanely in love with both of them. Difference was, t3 knew what to do, how to handle it. Unfortunately, in the time period between / during, i did hit bottom. Unfortunately, there is nothing to stop you or protect you from this bad match, these bad choices, thats all it is.

It reminds me of the Dylan lyrics,
"You coulda done better, but i dont mind.
You just kinda wasted my precious time.
Dont think twice, its alright."

Again, im not trying to be critical or judgmental. Im not saying, hes awful, get away, how can you do this?

Im just trying to explain to you, how he sees it. And how you see it. And where you two are talking PAST, not TO, each other.

Like when he said, you can email but he wont read it. You think hes playing word games with you, and REALLY means, dont email him. But in this case, he IS being literal and has a psychological reason for what he is saying. But you are not catching what he is pitching. If you two could actually HEAR and agree on what the other is saying in just this little exchange - "when you say x, i hear y", like they do in typical couples counseling - i really think you two could get somewhere. He could meet his goals, and you could meet yours. Instead of you ASSUMING what he REALLY means.

I met with my "bad" t a few times after i got with good t. He was basically like, "well, i could be more like your good t, but thats not how i was trained. But now that youre all past it and open and honest, maybe you should see me again." I was like, too little too late buddy. Things still arent easy with my good t, but hey we do the best we can.

We are all wishing you the best and hope to see you through this. I am not the enemy.

You think he said don't email him because he's actually trying to help me? I'm 99% sure it's because he doesn't want all of the inappropriate things he said in writing. You think he actually has goals for me?

I think T1 is playing word games, and, mind games. To tell a client it's ok to email him but he will not read it is a cheap power play. Now when you get upset over not being able to email him anymore (because in essence, that is what he is telling you indirectly), he can say, "I never said you couldn't email me." It's very manipulative and shady. Shifting the blame onto you is classic gaslighting.

He didn't say she could email him. "He said that we are to have no more email contact between sessions. He said that if I email him from now on he won't open or read it."

I think T1 is playing word games, and, mind games. To tell a client it's ok to email him but he will not read it is a cheap power play. Now when you get upset over not being able to email him anymore (because in essence, that is what he is telling you indirectly), he can say, "I never said you couldn't email me." It's very manipulative and shady. Shifting the blame onto you is classic gaslighting.

I bawled my eyes out at the coffee shop next to my house this morning over this. My husband doesn't even know what to do anymore. He just lets me cry it out.

I was just remember how kind T1 was to me for so many years. He was the second person to know I was pregnant after my husband. He helped me through my whole pregnancy when I cried in his office every single day. He bought me a book and gave it to me after I had my baby. I brought my baby to sessions for six months and he told me how good I was at being a mom. He was even kind to me after I told him about my feelings for him.

It was when I emailed him about how amazing the things he'd said made me feel and how amazing I felt after he held my hands that everything went wrong. And he kept telling me it was OK to express my anger, but then when I did he completely shut down, got scared, and locked me out of all of the kindness and warmth and now I don't know how to get it back.

It sounds like you have a very supportive and loving husband, ramona.

I don't think there is any reason to stick with a bad (and now obviously destructive) therapist in order to try to understand him, adapt to him, and find a "common ground". One thing that I would keep in mind and emphasize to myself is what you said repeatedly here, that T1 is bad at his job and has not been helpful in the issues that originally brought you to him. Instead, he has created another problem or, even if the seed of it was already there in you, he keeps expanding it. I would not be moved by his apparent admission that your better choice would be T2 - that's just stating the obvious and still not owning up to his lack of competency. Even if we disregard this whole recent ET thing, what has he given to you apart from feeding your sexual arousal with his unprofessional comments (including the last one about his wanting you to stay)? Has he helped with the depression and other things?

Reading all this stuff, I can easily imagine that he does not have as many clients as he would want to and of course he wants you to stay to secure part of his income. Perhaps even to feed his own insecurity and poor opinion of himself via your clinging to him. Manipulates you massively to try to achieve that. Obviously this process has brought up imporant problem areas in you, ramona, but the thing to do is NOT to "work on it" with an incompetent therapist who is unable to help. Based on your posts, you seem like a stronger, more authentic person than this guy, who is not even able and/or willing to admit defeat and is trying to sneak out of responsibility. If you want to still go to sessions with him, I would continue to tell him these things explicitly.

Also, it's normal and natural that you are sad and feel very frustrated over all this. It's a form of grief and also your way of admitting to yourself that the approach with T1 has not worked out. I would grab what I learned from it and focus on finding better solutions.

i totally get this. there are still loving feelings i have for people who abused me. people are not all good or all bad. there is a mixture within us, sometimes one manages to outweigh the other. i understand craving the good parts and wanting them back. i think that is totally natural.