Trying to get out

the movie wasnt very good in my opinion. the book explained the concept so much more articulately and in depth

its basically when people are given a mentality, usually about authority... they begin to think differently, and are able to misuse it, and some probably will in some ways. also sometimes people do actually think they are doing the "right" thing.

anyway i dont wanna deter the thread, sorry

Cried SO MUCH today. There are moments where I really feel like I can do it--just call and leave a very neutral simple message saying I'm discontinuing therapy, but it's fear of the aftermath that keeps me from actually following through. It's GOTTA end. I was walking home from yoga this morning and stopped to tie my shoe while walking over a bridge near my house and just really thought about flinging myself over because it just hurts too much. There are times where I can really completely and rationally get that this is NUTS and in no way worth it, and then I get so desperately sucked back in. I am legitimately afraid of what my life will be like without him. I know it doesn't make sense, because it's Hell WITH him, but I am so scared.

Seriously consider going to a co-dependent meeting. It will probably help put your situation into perspective and allow you to give yourself some breathing room.

New to CoDA? - CoDA.org

Just looked at the link. There's a meeting literally 50 feet from my house on Wednesday nights but that's when I see T2!

Can't believe I got through today. Didn't think I would make it. I thought I was going to start drinking at noon. I waited till 7:30 and am having wine now.

Discovered something pretty big with my husband tonight. I was talking to him and said: "Honey, do you think you could please look at me when we're talking?"

He said eye contact has always been uncomfortable for him! I said: "But it's ME. We've been together 15 years. I need you to look at me and see me when we're talking--especially if I'm going to stop going to my therapist." (He doesn't know the details of what's happened with T1 but knows he hasn't helped me and definitely unconsciously knows it's an inappropriate relationship, but avoids talking about stuff like this.) He was annoyed at first that I said this to him but then a few minutes later came out of the kitchen and told me it's something that's been hard for him his whole life and something he talks to his therapist about a lot--that he doesn't want to look people in the eye. I told him it's a MAJORLY BIG DEAL for me and that I need to feel "seen" if I'm going to break away from this dude. He said he understands and that it's something that we can work on together.

Regarding T1, I left him a message yesterday saying I couldn't meet at the appointment time he offered this week. I don't know if he'll call me back tomorrow or not. The raging addict within me thinks the thing to do is to go back one more time, drop ALL of my graphic sexual fantasies on the table, then leave and call him the next day with a simple, unemotional message saying I've decided to end therapy.

Do you still have sexual fantasies about him?

Constantly. All day long. I can barely focus on anything else.

Ramona, you can build connection with your H.

Little things like him trying to make eye contact bit by bit. I've problems making eye contact with my SO but slowly made better and better eye contact. He can work with his T and you on this and it'll possibly also build the connection between you and him.

Couples therapy will help but in the meantime you can also look up blogs on Gottman Couples Therapy on building connection between the couple.

Connection with your H might really help.

Sometimes we remain drawn to and attracted to unsafe people because it mirrors earlier relationships we've had with attachment figures.

You can work on that with t2 or a female therapist, but NOT with t1 who is involved with all of this. He's unable to be objective and your therapy ended ages ago when he decided to use you to meet his needs.

If there was a way to cancel everything with T1 for you, block all communication channels to him, and physically stopping you from going to see him...

But there isn't. You have our support as you struggle to make the choices you need to make. It isn't just one big choice, but also lots of smaller ones regarding walking away from this harmful relationship.

I've stayed in harmful relationships, not judging you here. Trauma bonds are hard to break. Many return over and over again.

May you find the inner resources to leave him and not return.

Seeing both T1 AND T2 on Wednesday. Absolutely ridiculous. I am SO ****ING DEPRESSED about my life. I'm afraid that once I get rid of T1 it'll push me over the edge. I'd love to believe it'll actually be the thing that lifts this neverending weight off of me, but I am SO ****ING AFRAID.

I'm sorry I don't know all that is going on -- did you take on t2 initially because of the t1 situation or for other reasons?

I took on T2 because after 2.5 years with T1 I was still having panic attacks all day long and not sleeping. My psychiatrist recommended T2 because he felt T1 was dropping the ball. I took on T2 (who is a training colleague of T1) and then told T1 about it a couple months later. T1 didn't have a problem with it. Then after months seeing BOTH of them, I was suicidal over T1 and told him I had no one else to talk to about the situation. He suggested telling T2, friends, and even my husband. T1 seemed to have no awareness that everyone I told would tell me to run like hell from him immediately, including T2.

T1 encouraged me to talk to others about it as if I had been rejected by a man I had feelings for. Then everyone I talked to about it immediately said: "You're being abused by your therapist. Never, ever go back there again, and you should report him to the board." T2 actually didn't say report him to the board, but he said that seeing him is like poison, and everyone else said report him to the board.

T1 and T2 know each other and have for a few years. It's AWKWARD.

Got it! Thanks!

Talking about the situation can be both helpful and counterproductive, I've found. It's good you are talking about things. However, talking alone doesn't help you to make changes in this situation and it has a huge potential to keep you stuck in the futile cycle of confusion and self-loathing even more. Changes can come slow, I know, and that's ok as long as you are trying to make them. Does your t2 offer you any suggestions on how to work to leave t1? Does he suggest you try to change your thoughts to gear them towards you and your needs instead of t1? Anything at all besides just talking?

I do hope t2 is trying to empower you to leave t1. If he is not making any suggestions for change, I'd highly consider discussing that with him to see if he can help you with that. If he can't, go find someone who can. You need support and guidance to get out of this. I've found there is no better support than working with someone who has been there, done that themselves, or has successfully helped someone through this before. Support groups (for me it's Al Anon) give that and it's kind of like free therapy. I'll get off my soapbox now. Just hope you are getting the help you need. Remember the best thing you can do for yourself is to be kind. Allow yourself the compassion, understanding, and patience you deserve but do not remain still. Baby steps are awesome and work great -- as long as you take them.

I appreciate this so much. It is so kind. Thank you.

I agree, you are right, that it's a red flag knowing you would give everything up except your child to be with T1. Just to cover all bases- has your family doctor checked out your physical health. lately....your heart, your hormones, your thyroid, etc.?

I had symptoms for years that everyone thought was severe depression, anxiety and "adult onset asthma." Well, I moved to a new state and my new doctors found out I also had heart failure. I wasn't on the right meds, in fact, I was on some wrong ones. Plus, I had a GYN issue that was undiagnosed.

It's just an idea. You might have already thought of it.

I WISH it was a physical issue. Sadly, I've had all of that checked--hormones, thyroid, etc. This is all got set off four years ago from that job rejection. I have these horror sobbing episodes in the morning. Then I messed around with different meds for years, none of which worked. Then I got off them all to get pregnant. Then I went back on Zoloft WHILE pregnant and I'm still on that. It's helped a LITTLE but not really. I'm just deeply, deeply depressed. Now I'm on a bunch of sleeping pills as well. My obsession with T1 rules my life.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel like a ****ing crazy person!!!!

You're in some strange triangle there with your two T's

I know attachment is rough, but it should not be this rough. It's not healthy... would you ever consider seeing someone not involved in this situation?

Or perhaps taking a break from therapy altogether? Like a month or something? Just because it sounds like issues around therapy and the therapists have really invaded and sort of monopolized your life and your every day... I don't think it's good even if therapy goes very well. Maybe a bit of distance could help find new perspective?

I took a month off in January. I felt EXPONENTIALLY BETTER but had NO sexual desire whatsoever. This is where I'm stuck.

I really should fire T1 and take a month off of T2 and see if I even want to go back. I guess never having good sex again is better than constantly wanting to blow your brains out.