Trying to get out

So depressed about today already. So depressed about spending the weekend with my husband lying day and night about what's going on with me. It's so ****ing hard to keep going. I am very depressed about my life.

That's awesome that your T2 said you can come hang out in the meditation room (and I love the idea of those--wish my T/MC had those, as it would be preferable to sitting in my car in the parking lot for a bit after appointments if I'm upset).

As for your H, don't tell him yet. Hopefully you'll start feeling better once you really get away from T1. Have you told T2 about the suicidal thoughts? If not, you need to. Hang in there...

Is it really going to get better? I don't know how long I can go on like this. There are NO breaks in the pain.

T2 knows about the suicidal thoughts.

Yes. I am speaking from experience

this is why a therapist should NEVER cross these lines.

the damage to the client is so bad

im here , and im reading, and im supporting you. i do know how painful this all is. and especially confusing. keep posting, keep reaching out, keep talking to T2

I have been sobbing all morning. I drank WAY too much last night and feel sick. I've been frantically emailing possible back up babysitters so I can possibly still go. No one is available.

Don't do that to yourself. Do not go. If you need to be talked down from this, contact your other therapist about what you are experiencing.

I didn't go. There is an email from T1 about the missed appointment asking if I'm OK. I'm not responding right now. There is also an email from T2 checking on me. He says the secret from my husband is really making me sick so I may want to just start the conversation that by saying "My relationship with T1 is unhealthy and not good for me." T2 also recommends we go see a couples therapist.

I binge drank last night and feel ****ing terrible. I feel overwhelmed and sad and exhausted and hungover. I hope things get better some day soon.

Well done for not going.

That's very strong of you not to go. And to not immediately respond to T1's e-mail. How are you feeling now? Hugs...

I still haven't responded to him. I'm glad I didn't go but I also don't want it to be over. He sent me a second message to check in at the end of the day:

"Hi, it's the end of the day and I haven't heard back from you regarding the missed session today so I just tried calling you to see if everything is okay. Your voice mail box is full and I couldn't leave a message. If you could send me an email or call to check in that would be appreciated."

I guess he's worried now. He should be. I have come close to hurting myself SO many times over this situation. I seriously don't feel like even writing him back. Was going to compose an email right now and let him know that "everything is most certainly NOT OK." I don't want it to be over with him. I want to go back to when things were OK before he started looking a me like a ****ing leper.

This is what I've composed to write him. When I refer to "Will"--that's T2.

Hi T1-

I didn’t kill myself if that’s what you’re asking, but “everything” is definitely not “OK.”
I didn’t come to the session yesterday because everyone in my life who knows about what’s going on with you literally begged me not to go, including Will. When I saw Will Wednesday and told him it was too late to cancel the Friday appointment I’d made with you because I would have to pay for it anyway, he actually offered to knock the cancellation fee I’d be paying you off of his OWN fee if it would help prevent me from seeing you. He says that going to sessions with you is “like drinking poison and expecting to feel better.” I had three different friends texting me daily saying “remember not to go see that ****ing creep on Friday.” One of my grad school friends who is a therapist now says you are doing “so much damage” to my psyche. I’m on a message board for people with depression and shared my story there and 8 people have messaged me saying that what goes on when I’m in the office with you is “horrible,” “damaging,” “abusive,” “disturbing,” and “cruel.”
I have defended you to every single one of these people, telling them that I just must be explaining what happened completely wrong. That you’ve done nothing wrong. That it’s all just me being needy and damaged from my childhood and misunderstanding things and it’s ALL my fault.
They all disagree.
I don’t want to stop seeing you. I want to see you every week, twice a week, forever. You’ve given me something I’ve been unable to get from anyone else in my life—this sexual awakening, but it has come at such a hideous cost—financially and emotionally and mentally and spiritually. You told me I could trust you with my heart and that you would never lie to me and you would hold my heart tenderly in your hands and then you tossed it in a ****ing shredder. I don’t know how I will ever trust ANYONE ever again because of this experience with you.
I still don’t want it to be over. I spent most of yesterday crying and nursing a horrific hangover that came from drinking myself sick Thursday night over the prospect of not seeing you in the morning. At the last minute yesterday morning I still frantically tried to find a last minute babysitter so I could come see you, but none were available.
I trusted you with something so delicate and precious, and then you told me things that lit me up in ways I’ve never been lit up before, and then when I told you how much that exhilarated me, you started treating me like a ****ing leper. You have recreated my junior high school rejection traumas with terrifying accuracy.
I’m not sure what I want to do next yet. Everyone I’ve asked for advice on this has said I should never, EVER step back in your office again. I told Will I don’t want things to end this way with you and he asked me to think about how I’d like them to end.
I would like them to end truthfully and honestly and for you to speak to me with compassion and respect again and not look at me with absolute terror. You have made your own feelings about this situation more important than mine. Now, when I go into the office, you sit there like a brick wall and just want me to figure it all out for myself when you used to be kind and compassionate. I don’t need a brick wall. Brick walls are available to talk to all over the city, for free.
I’m not sure what I want to do next yet. I’ll let you know if I’ll be able to make it to the next appointment.
I put a check for the missed appointment fee in the mail to you yesterday. It should be at your office today.

I'm glad to hear that you are sticking with it! I would maybe write and tell him what things upset you in his behavior and that you think he handled you unprofessionally and was selfish. You might regret that you did not express it later. I would not go back though... you mentioned a few times that the therapy with him was not really helpful and you kept going to feed the arousal triggered by him.

ETA: Oh, just saw your second post... I would ask myself what therapeutic value you expect to get out of this relationship at this point?

Thanks for replying. Do you have any feedback on the message I was going to send him above? I know this is all up to me to figure this out and make the decisions so I'm not asking anyone to tell me what to do, but I am looking for feedback.

I think the therapeutic value I'm just thinking of is the sexual arousal I've been able to connect to with him that I've never been able to connect to before.

Yes but you don't seem to experience it healing anymore, all the stuff the arousal comes with is causing you intense pain.

On your message:
I like the first paragraph, making him aware what's really going on and how you see it. I'm thinking that perhaps one benefit of still talking with him could be to express your frustration and finish this in a position where you don't feel defeated and stood up for yourself. You mentioned that all this brought back something you experienced in high school - so perhaps creating a different ending consciously could be good for you and increase your self-esteem?

On the second part of the message, you put it in a way that it's open to him changing your mind and maybe manipulating you again. I would be more straightforward and say we are not going to continue therapy as before, but of course you need to be sure yourself and follow through.

Yes, I guess you're right. The hope was that I could somehow make this into a "corrective experience" after all of the trauma and rejection I've experienced from men in the past.

If I were him, I would be worried you might make a report against him to his licensing board..or a civil lawsuit. That may explain why he is starting to behave like a "brick wall."

I would be doubly concerned (if I was T1) knowing you have told T2. Have you revealed this before?

Cheering for you as you take on this convoluted relationship.

He actually TOLD me to tell T2! And my friends! He even told me to tell my husband!

Amazing. How old is this guy? Any possibility of dementia?