Trying to get out

Hey everybody. Needed to check in with you again.

Here's my backstory if you don't know it already and are interested: https://forums.psychcentral.com/roma...k-you-all.html

My situation has not improved. I have been sharing my sexual fantasies with my therapist and now I think I'm more hooked than ever. I told my second therapist about the situation and he talked to my first therapist about it and agrees that the situation is not healthy and that T1's behavior is not good. I've written T1 multiple letters now expressing my anger towards him about saying that we could "be together mentally, emotionally and spiritually" and how he read me love poems and held my hands when I told him how my body got set off the first time he brushed my hand.

I continue to share my sexual fantasies about him in sessions. He says that this is appropriate because therapy is a place where people go to talk about their sexual fantasies. I confronted him about how he keeps telling me that he's not really "rejecting" me because he would be together with me sexually if he could, it's just against the boundaries of psychotherapy. I asked him to please just have the decency to not tell me that it's not a rejection. He finally said "OK, I'm rejecting you." It was humiliating, but I continue to go back and tell him more fantasies because it has made me more sexual in the rest of my life and I'm having much better sex with my husband now, but I know that the situation is a mess.

A couple weeks ago I was suicidal over the situation and told him how hard it was that I had no one else to talk about it with except him. He suggested I tell my second therapist and some trusted friends and even my husband. This made me think there really must be nothing he's done wrong or else he wouldn't be encouraging me to tell people. I did tell three friends all of whom say I need to leave immediately and that I am in an addiction cycle with him and that he could lose his license just over what's happened already. I am SO confused. Why would he be telling me to tell people about this if it's something that could lose him his license?

I told him on Tuesday that three friends have now told me they're concerned I'm in an addiction cycle with him. His response was "Are you saying you think all addictions are bad?" And I said "Yes, addictions are not a good thing," to which he responded "You can be addicted to being kind, and that's not bad."

I also asked him once again to please explain to me what he meant when he said that we could be together "mentally, emotionally and spiritually." I asked him what he was thinking and how I can do that with him--like does that mean just thinking about him or trying to connect with him on some higher level spiritually? He just stared at me blankly and finally said "I can't tell you how to live your life."

I know that I have to leave but I'm SO afraid. He's turned on positive sexual feelings in me that I've never had in my whole life and I don't want to lose him, and I'm also terrified by the idea of never seeing him again. I live for the the next session in the hopes of getting some crumb from him, like a couple sessions back when I told him my sexual fantasy and he said that it "of course sounded very appealing." I didn't get a crumb on Tuesday and now I'm dying--flooded with compulsive sexual thoughts about him and having to take care of them on my own by m---ing because my husband is ill and can't have sex right now. It's really hard. I know I need to leave but also can't bring myself to do it because I don't want accept that I'll never see him again.

There were so many times before I told him about my sexual attraction that he was so kind and supportive of me. Even right after I told him things were still OK. But when I started sharing my fantasies and he said that he desired me too, everything started to go down the tubes.

I'm in a really hard place and not sure how I'll let go of him.