[hannahk8bill]

It's been almost 3 years since I ended therapy. It's been a little over a year since I began corresponding with former t via Facebook messenger. In the last year we have talked a lot. We talked about my feelings for him, about my marriage, and more about my feelings for him. He always told me that nothing would ever happen between us. He was clear about that. But he allowed me to continue messaging him every week. I started to secret message him, and sent him nudes. He said wow, I'm flattered. I tried to coax him into sending me a **** pic, and he said he couldn't, he was too scared that I would tell someone. That really ****ed with me. I started thinking that I had him close. That he was about to break, and finally agree to meet with me, to **** me. But he never had any intention of that. I have been feeding his ego, and he loved it. Knowing him, loving him, talking to him has hurt me so much. I finally begged him to block me. He told me that he didn't want to hurt me. I told him that by continuing to allow communication between us with no intention of being with me was hurting me. So he said goodbye. He said that he would miss me. And he blocked me. Well, I went a bit manic after that. I drove by his house. I sat outside his office a few times. I emailed him. I told him that I was gonna go fatal attraction on his *** and that he would need a restraining order. Then I stopped, defeated and embarrassed. A week has passed, and I do feel some relief. Now I just have to wonder, how much time will pass before I stop looking for him every where I go, before I stop thinking about making another Facebook account to send him another message. My daughter is on the same soccer team as his brothers daughter. That ****s with me, because everytime I see his brother I think of him. Transference sucks. I stopped thinking of it as transference a while ago, and now I just think love sucks. That's all.

[hannahk8bill]

Originally Posted by hannahk8bill

It's been almost 3 years since I ended therapy. It's been a little over a year since I began corresponding with former t via Facebook messenger. In the last year we have talked a lot. We talked about my feelings for him, about my marriage, and more about my feelings for him. He always told me that nothing would ever happen between us. He was clear about that. But he allowed me to continue messaging him every week. I started to secret message him, and sent him nudes. He said wow, I'm flattered. I tried to coax him into sending me a **** pic, and he said he couldn't, he was too scared that I would tell someone. That really ****ed with me. I started thinking that I had him close. That he was about to break, and finally agree to meet with me, to **** me. But he never had any intention of that. I have been feeding his ego, and he loved it. Knowing him, loving him, talking to him has hurt me so much. I finally begged him to block me. He told me that he didn't want to hurt me. I told him that by continuing to allow communication between us with no intention of being with me was hurting me. So he said goodbye. He said that he would miss me. And he blocked me. Well, I went a bit manic after that. I drove by his house. I sat outside his office a few times. I emailed him. I told him that I was gonna go fatal attraction on his *** and that he would need a restraining order. Then I stopped, defeated and embarrassed. A week has passed, and I do feel some relief. Now I just have to wonder, how much time will pass before I stop looking for him every where I go, before I stop thinking about making another Facebook account to send him another message. My daughter is on the same soccer team as his brothers daughter. That ****s with me, because everytime I see his brother I think of him. Transference sucks. I stopped thinking of it as transference a while ago, and now I just think love sucks. That's all.

What really sucks is that there is a part of me that is really angry. I am so angry that I kept that awful correspondence going. I am angry that I sent him nudes. I am angry that he allowed it to go on for so long too. I am angry that I had to tell him to block me, because I couldn't do it myself. I think what hurts the most is that he did it, and he will probably not lose any sleep at night over it. I on the other hand get to agonize for god only knows how long about if I had only done this, or said that differently, maybe he would have loved me then. I am so angry, and have been so powerless over him for so long, that a sick part of me wants to retake some power and report his ***. I don't even know if he could get in trouble, I don't even know if he even did anything wrong, but just to have him sweat would be glorious. I am not going to do that however. And I am ashamed that I even have the thought. I am just so damn angry.

[StickyTwig]

You were vulnerable and he exploited that for his own satisfaction. You have a right to be terribly hurt and angry

He did something very wrong to you, but it sounds like he was careful, so you may not be able to get at him from a legal point of view. It's probably not worth the stress anyway.

I remember a quote "resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die." In other words, sadly your anger is only hurting yourself. The past is the past and you can't change it. Can you explore a new life path in life to take your mind off things - perhaps a new hobby or therapist?

[hannahk8bill]

Thanks for your response. It helps. You are right, he was very careful, and while he did interact with me in the messages he was very generic in his replies, and only revealed personal information and intimate details via secret messages, which dissappear and cannot be retrieved. Although it hurts I am glad it is over. I have to move on. It's just so weird you know, how you pray to see someone at the supermarket, and you pray that you never run into them anywhere? I know where he shops, I know where he lives, I know where he works, I know where his son goes to school, i know where he goes to the gym. I have to get rid of the idea that I year from now I might "accidentally" run into him, and that things might be different. I can do this. I will do it. I have a good life. I have three kids that need me to be present for them. I will be ok. I will try to be grateful that I experienced this love feeling.