Transference interfering in therapy

scarcejoy · Aug 06, 2017, 12:12 AM

Hi,

Lately, my loving feelings towards my therapist have been getting in the way during my therapy sessions. Last week, that was the first time that it happened. I was talking about this issue I was dealing with and my T asked me a question about it. I took longer than normal to answer. I was thinking about what to say but at the same I was thinking about my feelings towards her. I was thinking about whether I should finally tell her. I was thinking about how emphatic she is and about how I feel grateful of her help. I was thinking about how lovely and alluring she looks. Since I was taking too long to answer, my T told me I was talking longer than normal to respond and that if I had anything else in mind.

At that moment, I realized that my transference had started to interfere in my thoughts during session. My T told me I can talk about whatever issue I wanted previously because I have trouble opening up sometimes as it is sometimes too painful to say anything. But with my romantic feelings towards her, I feel like that issue is off limits. I am afraid of what her reaction will be. I don't want my T to feel uncomfortable around me. I don't want ruin therapy for myself. I don't want to feel nervous on my way to session. I feel at ease going there. She is the person I love the most. I feel that the time has come for me to reveal this secret of mine to my T. I don't know how I am supposed to get the words out of my mouth and say all of my feelings towards her.

BudFox · Aug 08, 2017, 10:51 AM

This reads like something from a therapy textbook. Has all the standard features of client infatuation for the idealized therapist.

I've been there. Was basically a dream for the therapist (got to be desired, admired, glorified) and a nightmare for me (felt exposed, humiliated, ridiculous). In the end it served no purpose and was destructive.

What is your goal in revealing your feelings?

LonesomeTonight · 02:21 PM

I think it can help to share if it gets to that point like you said it has, where it's interfering with your therapy. You don't have to share it all at once either. If you don't feel comfortable saying it, could you e-mail it? Or else write/type it and hand it to her? Even if you just write something short like, "I think I may have transference for you" or "I think about you often," that could open things up.

I know there are lots of horror stories on here about people sharing their transference with their T, but I've generally had a good experience regarding my marriage counselor. He's also quite experienced and said he's had it happen to him before from (at least one) past client. He didn't really change how he acted toward me as a result. There was definitely some awkwardness in the beginning (from my end, not his) after I shared and then at other times...and there have been a few difficult and painful moments (some just involving T, a couple early on involving my H). But I really feel like it was for the better that I shared it--and have continued to share as either paternal or erotic feelings increase for whatever reason (seems to ebb and flow). Good luck.

Calilady · 09:11 PM

From my understanding, a therapist should- once confiding this to them- walk you into the crux of the issue. Why do you feel like you love them? What is it about them? What do they represent to you? Perhaps they encompass a characteristic or trait that you would like to harness for yourself?

I do agree with Bud in that a T can take advantage and get their own ego boost out of it...and odds are, you probably wouldn't even be able to see it until you left the situation.

This person obviously can't/shouldn't reciprocate your feelings and their job is to decipher why you feel this way. This is more about you, than your T.

Just my two cents.

I was reading some therapist answers on Quora.com and I have to stress emphatically, after taking the time to review answers to various questions likened to this topic, they usually don't reciprocate those feelings in the slightest. Actually, if they THINK they do, they are supposed to check-in with themselves, asking why they need a client to meet their own needs. You see your T much differently than they see you and their is the huge power imbalance in a therapeutic relationship.

Why do you love this person? What is it about them? Do you have people in your "real life" who can meet your needs? Those issues should be discussed. It isn't about the T at all.