[hislua]

hi. this is a pretty loaded question but how do i leave an emotionally abusive relationship with a therapist?

i've been seeing him for 4 years - since i was 14. i've known all along that it was bad but never cared because i was so in love with him. i still am, but i have started realizing more and more recently that i don't want to live like this forever. i don't want to spend my entire life chasing something i may never get. i'm about to go away to college and am supposed to keep on seeing him, but i also want this to be a new chapter in my life, and having him in it is only going to stunt my growth.

he's said he loves me. he says he doesn't want me to ever leave. he says he's not like any of the other men that hurt me, but i see a lot more similarities than differences. he tells me personal things - thing i used to feed into my delusions that i'm special - like how he hates his wife and isn't happy with his jobs and a bunch of stuff from earlier in his life. yeah, i'm his therapist as much as he is mine. i used to tell myself it wasn't so bad that my therapist would tell me about his sex life from when he was younger. people would tell me that stuff like this was not healthy and wrong on his part but i just didn't care. because i loved him. some of you may know what that's like.

i'm starting to kind of realize that i need to get out...now. especially because he's getting more and more open and blunt. i usually thrive off of his taboo actions and words but i don't want to be lying on my death bed one day thinking about how many opportunities i missed out on because i was too busy living a life that revolved around my unattainable therapist who was double my age.

i can only think of a few things i can do right now.
1. tell him face to face i can't see him anymore. he's gonna ask a lot of questions and probably be very confused and angry, and i'm sure i'd cry. that might be one of the most painful things in the world. i don't know if i'd be able to do it.
2. tell my parents. i don't know how that'd work out either. i'm scared they'd report him. i don't think i want that. do i really want to ruin the life of someone i love? he kind of hates his life already. also i don't have any proof. he hasn't touched me. so could he even get in trouble? just for manipulating and crossing boundaries? i have no idea how that works.

if anyone has any thoughts or suggestions i'd be really appreciative. i feel so alone and afraid. i don't know if i'm strong enough to do this. during the past year i had 3 suicide attempts and was in the hospital for a month. i don't wanna go back because i'm starting college and really want to be successful. i just worry about what this will do for me, as i can only imagine it as being the most painful thing in the world.

i never thought i'd leave him. i still don't want to. but i think i have to.

[toomanycats]

This breaks my heart. I'm so sorry that your therapist, who should've been protecting and caring for you, has, instead, put his baggage on you. This is very damaging.

It's very strong and brave of you to decide to leave. I had to make that decision recently, and it was so impossibly hard... and I'm nearly twice your age. I don't know what your relationship is with your parents, but I know if my daughter told me this was happening to her, I would absolutely pull her from that therapist, get her in with a new one, and would likely consult with a new therapist about the entire business of reporting.

As someone coming out of this myself, I wholly understand not wanting to report. But, admittedly, as a mom myself reading of it happening to you when you are only a teenager, I would really want to report this person. Ultimately, that decision isn't up to me...and I'm glad...though sorry you are facing this yourself.

Please know none of this -- none of it -- is your fault. Your therapist has been unethical, and he is the only one who has done anything wrong.

[Salmon77]

First off, I think it's great that you recognize the need to get away from this guy. I'm sure it will take a lot of strength but it will be worth it in the long run.

You say you're "going away to college," does that mean you're moving? If so, I think it would make a lot of sense for you to find a new therapist close to your university even if this guy was fine (which he clearly is not).

Even if you can't use that as a reason, it seems to me that you could tell your parents that you want to find a new therapist without necessarily telling them why if you're not comfortable doing so. You could just say you don't think he's really helping you at this point, since you have been hospitalized and had attempts in the past year I bet they would accept that you need someone else.