[Tea-lover1987]

hello. everyone. I have no idea how to really explain this. I don't know if this is strong transference/ attachment, both? but I also have romantic feelings to my therapist. I have been in and out of therapy for years, the one t I did retired and I hard a hard time with it 2 yrs ago missing him. 4 therapists later I was ready to give up, but my depression and anxiety was getting severe, I dealt with it alone. then my last left so I changed to another clinic that I was on a long waiting list, was lucky to get a opening with a male t like i wanted, because i guess most of my t's were women, so I needed a change. plus I was neglected and abadonded by my father, im 30 yrs old, never dated, mom still lives with me.
been seeing this t for 4 months.my expectations were low because I never really connected with a therapist. my first few sessions I was so relaxed with him it seemed too good to be true, plus I find him attractive, he has a quirky sense of humor. we started with once weekly sessions. I noticed that I found myself almost looking forward to seeing him, I hardly ever miss appts, where as before I dreaded therapy and constantly cancelled appts.
now he changed the sessions to every 2wks. as every week goes by I feel more and more dependent on him, I miss him so much between sessions.
I have showed him my writings, whats in my tote bag, he ask every little detail. even down to what foods I like, what I bought when I went shopping. we joke a lot. he's so positive towards me. sometimes I feel like a vulenerable child the way he looks at me and asks "did you take your meds today?"i never had a therapist care about whether I shower,eat,take meds, eat. praises me even I just go for a walk, when i shower. he makes me list daily when I shower,take meds,eat, activities, but I told i feel embarrassed that im 30yrs old and need to be reminded of these things. he tries to make me the good in me,but I can't find it. he says he knows that I feel ugly,stupid,worthless, a bad person, its like he read my mind. but tells me im beautiful, and smart.
I was negelected and abandoned by my father, his fiancé abused me, my mother physically and emotionally abused me my whole life. I never really had any friends in school, I still don't have friends because I don't trust anyone, and I have social anxiety. my t seems the only I feel safe with, I cry after the session is done with. I think about him constantly, I even play old voicemails on my phone of him to soothe myself. I never felt like before. now itsetting to the point where he asks me questions in session, I blank out, I just get lost , he tilts his head and smiles gently at me, as if trying to get a child to confess something, I feel like he's piercing me with his kind blue eyes. he has even sometimes went over the time limit on sessions a few times without realizing it and it makes me feel special when he calls me beautiful. I don't know how to tell him. I feel so attached. plus I have abandonment issues anyway I dont know what to do. I don't see him for 11 days, I don't know how to cope without him in between sessions,. i feel embarrassed that I want to tell him I feel like i need him all the time. I have no other support.

[DodgersMom]

with no other support, why on earth did he drop you to bi weekly?

i am in the same boat support wise and my T would never do that, he lets me decide how often and when to come.

i'd lose my freaking mind bi weekly. i am sorry you are feeling this way, i relate a lot minus the romantic feelings. i sadly don't feel that about anyone really.

anyhow, if you need to talk during your long break, message me
hugs to you

[NeedHaldol]

be careful about getting romantically attached to him. What you perceive as affection, for example - calling you beautiful.

He maybe just trying to inject some self esteem into your self image.

I think it would be highly unprofessional to have a therapist date a patient.

Tread softly.

[Blaire]

It would be torture if mine told me I'm beautiful. That would add so much fuel to the fire.

He is very professional and doesn't respond to my comments about my own appearance (weight, attractiveness, etc.). I like to think that he's attracted to me, but he has never given me any indication that he is.

Yours sounds wonderful. I would get attached too to that kind of attention. I was neglected as well, so having someone pay so much attention to me is addictive.

[Tea-lover1987]

Originally Posted by NeedHaldol

be careful about getting romantically attached to him. What you perceive as affection, for example - calling you beautiful.

He maybe just trying to inject some self esteem into your self image.

I think it would be highly unprofessional to have a therapist date a patient.

Tread softly.

yeah I think he is trying to help my self esteem, that has been the main focus of our sessions, in fact iwanted totalk about my childhood, the flashbacks, but he says "we will get that later, you feel bad enough now". I don't know if he is avoiding it, or he just thinks im not ready yet. He is married so getting involved would probably be unlikely. I crave attention very badly because I have always felt worthless.

Originally Posted by DodgersMom

with no other support, why on earth did he drop you to bi weekly?

i am in the same boat support wise and my T would never do that, he lets me decide how often and when to come.

i'd lose my freaking mind bi weekly. i am sorry you are feeling this way, i relate a lot minus the romantic feelings. i sadly don't feel that about anyone really.

anyhow, if you need to talk during your long break, message me
hugs to you

thank u I would love to talk.
I don't know why really he changed to bi weekly. the only thing I can think of is because I seen him for 4 months, which is when my treatment plan is supposed to be modified. but more likely he works in a outpatient clinic, and he is probably superbooked, that's the only thing that sucks. for the last three sessions he only had one slot available which has been bi-weekly. but I sometimes feel that he is abandoning me because im dealing with so much. but I don't know how to tell him,i have dropped some hints about transference, and that im worried about being dependent on him, which am, but I don't think he realizing the degree. I feel embarrassed that im 30 and he has to keep track of when i take my meds,eat,shower,what activites I do in the day on a daily log sheet.

Originally Posted by Blaire

It would be torture if mine told me I'm beautiful. That would add so much fuel to the fire.

He is very professional and doesn't respond to my comments about my own appearance (weight, attractiveness, etc.). I like to think that he's attracted to me, but he has never given me any indication that he is.

Yours sounds wonderful. I would get attached too to that kind of attention. I was neglected as well, so having someone pay so much attention to me is addictive.

yes, he is and has eyes to die for. he can be sarcastic sometimes, but not in a mean way. he says im the boss, I like that. its hard when u have no other positive in your life. but im sometimes am afraid he'll get frustrated with me, and ive told him that im a difficult client and im afraid he might give up on me, because I haven't progressed much yet, and I think he seems frustrated that I don't give myself credit when I shower or take meds, and that he's trying to build my self-worth like I crave,at the but I still step all over it because I hear my mothers voice saying im worthless, a embarrassment, im stupid, lazy, a filthy pig, a nut case, a hypochondriac and ill never be nothing.

[Blaire]

I hope you can come to believe that what your mother said is not true. A parent who says something like that has issues that have nothing to do with the child. It does not define you. You are a very good person.

[Moment]

I agree with Blaire.
I also think the feelings you have towards your therapist seem pretty normal. It's normal to feel affection for someone who cares for us and who is trying to help us. And the feelings can motivate you to do the hard work of therapy. I've had intense feelings towards my therapist. It comes and goes.
The important thing is to take this as evidence of what has been missing from your life and use the support you have from your therapist to help you improve relationships in "the real world."
You need to develop outside friendships and some support other than your therapist. You need to consider whether living with someone who has been (and still is?) abusive to you is the best thing for you. It's a lot of hard work to change our lives. Have you talked to your therapist about whether meeting more frequently is an option?
You should also be aware that when "transference" is in action, there can be big shifts and reversals in feelings towards the therapist, too. All of that should get talked out, if you're mad at him, or start to not trust him, or feel abandoned, etc.

[BudFox]

This sounds potentially dangerous. Seems like he is telling you exactly what you want to hear, and is behaving in a way that stokes idealization and dependency. Once you become habituated to this, how do you ever stop? I got hooked, though in a somewhat different way. It's very much like pusher-addict, in my view. The longer the time between sessions, the worse the withdrawal symptoms. And the euphoria makes it hard to think clearly.

[Ididitmyway]

I agree with BudFox.

I feel for you because I can see clearly how it feels for someone like you to have a person in your life who gives you everything you've never had - encouragement, caring attitude, appreciation etc. This would automatically make anyone with your history of abandonment intensely attached a.k.a "hooked" to that person and this is dangerous because it could be potentially harmful.

I am not saying that caring, encouragement and appreciation are dangerous when expressed by the therapist. The problem is not those attitudes themselves but HOW they are expressed. The way your therapist expresses them is way too personal, which sets you up for a potential heartbreak and big trauma.

The therapist's job is not to tell the client that they are worthy of love because they have wonderful qualities (being beautiful and such) but to help them acquire unconditional self-love and self-acceptance that doesn't depend on what others think of them and even on what they think of themselves.

Yours is a classic case of dealing with the well-meaning but ignorant therapist who doesn't understand that their well-intended actions can ultimately do more harm than good.

Actually, having been in the similar situation with my own therapist, I am not so sure that their intentions are quite pure though consciously they certainly care. Many people enter helping professions to become heroic "rescuers" of those who suffer. This is a great ego-booster and gives one an illusion of omnipotence.

[nicoleflynn]

It is normal to have feelings for someone who is kind to you and listens. Feelings aren't right or wrong....they simply are.

[Tea-lover1987]

Originally Posted by Moment

You should also be aware that when "transference" is in action, there can be big shifts and reversals in feelings towards the therapist, too. All of that should get talked out, if you're mad at him, or start to not trust him, or feel abandoned, etc.

im starting to have these feelings now, im wondering if it stems from my abadonement issues, especially since we started going to bi-weekly sessions. I started feeling angry and annoyed with him out can be of the blue. he has kind of a sarcastic sense of humor sometimes, which doesn't normally bother me. I told him this awhile ago, he told me if he said something wrong to call him out on it. which I did when he said that he felt I didn't want to get better. after I confronted him he told me that he said that he was trying to get me angry to get me motivated to prove him wrong, and that he was going to test me with the sarcasm to get me to be more assertive, and honest with my feelings. I have not told him about the abandonment issues totally yet, I only gave a subtle hint and told him that I was afraid he was frustrated with me and my lack of progress and would eventually drop me as a patient. he reassured me he had no intention of giving up on me. I have not discussed the empty feelings between sessions yet, im afraid to. I feel like crying after the session is over, and I sometimes feel slightly jealous when I see him call in his next patient, and jealous thinking of the ones that may have potentially taken my weekly slot because my t is very overbooked. I know that can't be normal, I feel embarrassed and pathiec and selfish to admit that