More to think about when experiencing ET...

This is a painful thought and post for me, but I've not seen it noted on PC before, so I wanted to bring the subject up.

I am experiencing very painful ET right now. But approx. a week ago, it occurred to me that the sexual or erotic feelings were not at the heart of what I felt. Rather abruptly, I realized it was my T's head and heart that I wanted - essentially, the things that made them them. The erotic feelings are important in a relationship, but they are simply an expression of what we should be feeling more deeply for the person.

I have realized in the past week that my T has a mate who has spent almost 40 years with them, been T's partner raising children, has ministered to T when illness arose, helped run the household, and on and on. Why would I think that T would want to give all of that up for me? Or if one doesn't think that far ahead, why would T feel anything close to what feelings are shared w/their mate? Fantasies and erotic dreams are not a relationship. Why would I expect these feelings to be anything but painful?

Everyone fantasizes. I used to think that these erotic feelings could be worked through in therapy, but I'm not sure, now. I hope I'm wrong as I don't want my therapy to end feeling so much pain. Maybe if I continue to remind myself that the erotic feelings I have are not at the heart of what is important to me, I will be able to spend more time appreciating the person who is trying to help me.

Just my thoughts for those of us who get tangled up in ET.

Have you only just found out that she's in a long term relationship? That's a hard bit of reality to digest. Of course our longings are not just about sex. I think ET is very complex and multi-layered.

Without wishing to be flippant because I can completely empathise with your pain; you can pretty much guarantee that a 40yr relationship will have had many ups and downs and they probably hate each other and fight on a regular basis! Seriously long term relationships can be very dull. But I do understand what it's like to imagine being the partner and knowing that you can never be that person. ET is painful.

Sending solidarity

I think some of ET, at least for me, was about a fantasy of merging with another person so as not to feel so terribly alone. Merging not as in sex, but merging in terms of heart and soul and just a kind of fantasy theoretical one-ness.

Such a thing is not possible, of course, and we have to just grapple with existential loneliness as best we can, I guess. For me it is always there even when I am with others, but some things do make it ache less. I rely more on those things now--time with friends, appreciating art, being outside in nature, being with children--and spend less time feeling longing feelings towards my therapist or thinking about him.