[Mudlocke]

Therapy ended summer 2017. It's been a very long time but I'm still not over my transference towards my therapist.

She has continued to text me. I asked her if I would ever see or speak to her again. She didn't answer the question, instead it felt like appeasement. She asked if I wanted to speak on the phone, which I agreed too because I missed her so much. It had been 9 months since I saw her last.

We spoke for an hour and a half. She even said it herself that the time went so fast. It went fast for me too, it feels like we connect so well emotionally that time just flies on by whenever we're talking. I ended up crying over the phone to her because i was so depressed and felt so alone. It was easily the most pathetic thing I've ever done. It had been 9 months since we last spoke outside of texts. She said we'd speak again over the phone, but I know that's a lie.

She always used to say things like that. I'd get my hopes up and it'd never happen. For some reason it feels like I just wont learn from my mistakes. It's as if I'm waiting for her to save me from this dark place and still after all this time I'm not ready to give up on her. I know she wont save me, I know I'm less than a friend to her, yet I still wont give up on this fantasy of her saving me from myself.

Why did the therapy end and is she contacting you as your therapist or something else?

[CelestialFlame]

Why cant you continue with her being your therapist?

[AllHeart]

Have you considered your options for help to get out of the fantasy and turn the focus of your attention onto yourself? Even a mindfulness type meditation app might help to start change your thoughts. I know it's a hard process to work through. Any little thing you can at least try is worth the effort to help spring yourself forward.

[magicalprince]

Hey Mudlocke,

It is really painful to feel the way you are feeling... I have been there...

You don't deserve to be strung along like that. You have been used by this woman, you know you have. You know she is not going to save you.

You deserved better than that. You don't deserve to have to feel pathetic just for wanting to be cared about or loved and treated with respect.

[toomanycats]

Hey... we are in a similar place. I'm about 9 months out of a similarly intense therapy relationship and in a similar position: I still talk to my exT, and he is horrendously unreliable. Will tell me we're going to talk on the phone/FaceTime, then it doesn't happen. My actual motto with him is "if he promises, it's not going to happen," because that's nearly always true.

Are you working with another therapist at all? That has truly been my saving grace. I've really needed to establish a new, healthy relationship with a strongly ethical therapist with very good boundaries in order to begin moving through this. Notice I say "through" and not "past," because I, also, am not past it.

I'm truly sorry you are going through this. It's hell. I know it is. It's wounding on a very unique, vulnerable level that most cannot understand. I've explained it as "I'm connected to him at a cellular level." It's the kind of connection that can't be undone. Not fully. Not ever, I don't think. While I am very attached to my new therapist, it's nowhere near my attachment to exT, which is something I was so afraid of. But, it seems the damage done by exT has protected me from something like that happening again in a way... in any case... hang in there. 9 months isn't as long as it feels. Give yourself some grace and patience

[Mudlocke]

Hi everyone thanks for the comments.

The therapy ended because she was a therapist and counselor at from my college. She worked there so when I graduated college my "therapy" ended. I'm not entirely sure what I am to her now and what she is to me. A reason the therapy couldn't continue is although I could have paid her to see her outside of college afterwards, I am not well off financially because I'm unemployed.

I've tried focusing on myself, but I honestly feel like I'm worthless when I don't mean something to anybody else. It's partly the reason I felt like I needed our relationship as painful and confusing as it was in the first place. She made me feel cared about and like she was interested in me and it made me feel amazing. Once I'd experienced that I cant live without it.

Painful is such a good word to describe how I feel. Another word that comes to mind is damaging. I do feel strung along, I hate it. I'm finding myself feeling as though originally I'd of been able to establish a decently normal relationship with a partner, but now after my therapist I feel like I'd struggle with intimacy and trust.

I too have felt that connection to a cellular level feeling. For me though it feels like I'm bonded with her both emotionally and spiritually for life. The painful part is she is like 20 years older than me and married. Nothing but heartache would ever come from it, but yet again I feel unable to stop the way I feel.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by Mudlocke

Hi everyone thanks for the comments.

The therapy ended because she was a therapist and counselor at from my college. She worked there so when I graduated college my "therapy" ended. I'm not entirely sure what I am to her now and what she is to me. A reason the therapy couldn't continue is although I could have paid her to see her outside of college afterwards, I am not well off financially because I'm unemployed.

I've tried focusing on myself, but I honestly feel like I'm worthless when I don't mean something to anybody else. It's partly the reason I felt like I needed our relationship as painful and confusing as it was in the first place. She made me feel cared about and like she was interested in me and it made me feel amazing. Once I'd experienced that I cant live without it.

Painful is such a good word to describe how I feel. Another word that comes to mind is damaging. I do feel strung along, I hate it. I'm finding myself feeling as though originally I'd of been able to establish a decently normal relationship with a partner, but now after my therapist I feel like I'd struggle with intimacy and trust.

I too have felt that connection to a cellular level feeling. For me though it feels like I'm bonded with her both emotionally and spiritually for life. The painful part is she is like 20 years older than me and married. Nothing but heartache would ever come from it, but yet again I feel unable to stop the way I feel.

I can see this being me in the future. I totally get the pain and the part of not wanting it to end. Are you still in contact with her? Have you found a new therapist to help you with these feelings? Are you feeling any better overall?