Sexual attraction

Part of why I came to this forum, aside from just wanting to relate and interact with others here, is something that is happening in my therapy. I am a woman, and prior to my current therapist, I went to female therapists. After a very bad and hurtful experience with my last female therapist, I decided to go a different route and try a male therapist. I've been seeing him for about six months. Though I feel my progress has been slow, I enjoy going, and he has helped me. And up until about three weeks ago, I saw him as a T only, with absolutely no thoughts of him as a person or a man, just a therapist there to do a job.

We had a conversation during that particular session that charmed me in a way, because it did help me to see him as a person. All of a sudden I felt a "click" with him that, in my mind, hadn't happened up to that point. We laughed, and it suddenly felt more comfortable to be there. It felt like making a friend, which I realize is not a good thing in the therapist's office. On the other hand, it makes me feel more open to sharing with him.

The problem is that now I'm becoming more and more attracted to him sexually. When I first noticed myself feeling that way, shortly after that good session, I tried to brush it off and ignore it because I felt that it's inappropriate to have feelings like that for a professional. Now, I'm having full blown fantasies about him at night, especially when I know I'm going to see him the next day. I don't fantasize about being his girlfriend or falling in love. Just sex, plain and simple.

I don't know if this is transference. I mean, I'm not putting any paternal feelings on him or anything like that. I just find his personality appealing, and he's cute and he's smart, so I can't help it. From what I've gathered, we have a lot in common, too, which helps me to trust him. But it also increases the attraction, and it's confusing at times. Sometimes I wish we could stop therapy and go get a drink and just hang out.

This week, I found myself struggling when I got there to start talking because I felt a little nervous and embarrassed about all the things that have been in my mind over the last few days. He asked what's new, and I got quiet for a minute, and then talked about something else.

By the way, he's always been professional and compassionate. He has never done anything to make me suspect he has any kind of sexual attraction to me, except that in our last session, he sat farther away from me than he usually does. Noticeably farther, but maybe that's nothing. It was just interesting that he moved the chairs apart after we had a couple of really good sessions during which we seemed to connect better. Maybe he picked up on something? I don't know.

Sorry for such a long post, but this is new territory for me. I want to keep seeing this T, and it's the best experience I've had in therapy over the years. At the same time, daily sexual fantasies about him are going to start to interfere, and I would be mortified to tell him about this. I may have to find a way to shut them off, at least before I go to see him.

I told my t about my love and attraction to him. Feelings aren't right or wrong, they simply....are.....

Hi OP

I agree with Nicole, it's been hard for me to accept that she is right because I struggle with feelings. While I've yet to have sexual thoughts for my T, I do realize it's possible and could happen down the road, he has even told me its ok if it does. I do feel love for him though and that alone made me feel so shameful, actually I still do but it's a bit better since he's so ok with it.

My suggestion and you're not gonna like it, is talk to your T. I know it's awkward, scary and very uncomfortable. It's the only best way to handle this sort of thing though, sadly. You wont be the first client he's ever had with this issue, or the last. Just breathe... and get it out there. For me, I had to write it down, so if that's better for you, try it.

I know these feelings are weird and everything but apparently very normal, so you are ok, it's fine to feel this way, just not act on it. Tell him and hopefully he handles things as well as mine did. Good luck to you

Thanks for the suggestions. I have seen my T twice since my original post, and the feelings aren't disappearing. My latest session was very positive, but about halfway through it, I started wishing I could leave because I started feeling self-conscious sitting in front of him. That's a problem.

He's very easygoing and open and honest about himself, which is in direct contrast to my last therapist. And he's my age. I really enjoy that he shares certain things about his life, because I find it much easier to relate to him and then feel like sharing my own stories. He becomes not just a guy with a clipboard. It's nice. And, just to be clear, he's never shared anything inappropriate, and he's never crossed any boundaries. But on days when he's open like that, then come the feelings and attraction. It's a mix of wanting to become his friend because he's cool and also just wanting to have sex. I don't have strong emotions or other attachments at this time.

Maybe I'm reading too much into it, as we all seem to do, but at my last session, I sensed...something. Maybe I just wanted to, but I think we are becoming more relaxed and natural around each other, and it makes me feel like he also recognizes this. It was when I sensed this kind of mutual "friendliness" that I suddenly felt self-conscious and wanted to bolt.

I wish he could mention this issue and be the first to address it. And then I could have an easier time admitting to him that I feel attracted to him. When I first started seeing him, I remember he asked me why I decided to choose a male therapist. I told him why, and he never said another word about it. No warnings about potential issues or requests to tell him about any feelings. I don't think that he would reject me or judge me for telling him what I feel, but I do worry that he would see me differently or handle me differently.

Anyway, sorry for the rambling. I will have to do something about it soon because it will start to affect our sessions more and more with time if I'm just sitting thinking of him. Writing to him might be the safest bet.

I am so sure many of his female clients have had sexual attractions to him and he knows it and has addressed it with at least one of them so if you do not address this with him it will not go away it will become very frustrating.Therapy will become something else than therapy. It will become an obsession, getting your "fix" and not the therapeutic care that it should be.

My transference to my T is paternal and all I fantasize about is me being a child and him comforting me and raising me with love and guidance. That is just as painful as erotic transference.

I know how embarrassing it can be to bring this subject up for fear of the relationship changing or being terminated. I am 50 and he is in his 30's married with 2 kids. So I am very embarrassed that I do not feel like an adult when I am in his office. I will slowly leak out how I feel to him over time as once he did ask how I felt our relationship was because we had a rocky start. I said I felt like he was a role model or a guardian so to speak. Maybe you can sneak something in about attraction and or transference?

I don't envy anyone who has emotional or paternal/maternal transference issues with their T. That has to be much more difficult and treacherous than erotic transference. Erotic feelings sometimes disappear over time, but emotional attachments stick. Thank you for sharing, Moxie.

What you said about getting a fix is already starting to happen. The last couple of sessions, I really had to talk myself down and just focus on the "now" as best I could to keep myself from going there in my mind. But like I wrote, I started feeling uncomfortable at one point and just wanted to leave. It's like I don't want him to see any negative or "sick" aspects of me, but that's exactly why I'm there, so it's not helping anything. If he doesn't address this issue, since I know he has to notice a change (I would assume, anyway), then I will have to do something about it. He is very accepting, so I think it will turn out okay.

I don't have ET so I can't really say but I can tell you, yes the emotional connection with my T has been so exhausting. All of the sudden at any given moment, I'm experiencing several random emotions. I'm not a crier but anything that has to do with him and how I feel, gets me emotional and I hate it. It is mentally draining. I sometimes wish I could turn back time and never go to T. Hopefully this is somehow worth it in the end but right now I feel like, even though things are great with us, I feel like I'm setting myself up for the biggest hurt of my entire life.... and I'm not sure how I'll ever recover from it. That's my biggest fear right now

If I get to a point where ET comes into play, I will probably quit or take a long break, I can't handle much more emotions and feelings coming into this. Hopefully it all works out ok for you and your T

I understand where you are coming from, I've been through something similar.
It's a difficult situation to be in but T's are highly trained individuals and your T is probably aware that some kind of transference is going on.
If you don't face this soon it will probably get in the way of the real issues that you should be thinking about during your sessions.
My advice to you would be to 'bite the bullet' and tell him or write to him about how you have been feeling. I'm pretty sure he won't run away screaming and will take it in his stride.
T's are trained to deal with this and much worse. Ok it's embarrassing but once it's out you can deal with it.

I'm male, and my therapist was female, but otherwise sounds like same basic deal. It was a train wreck.

I dont usually give advice, but i recommend shutting your ears to any sort of transference talk as this tends to obfuscate things, not clarify them, and tends to burden the client with all the accountability... i.e. your "transference" made this happen.

It's not normal to pay someone to incite feelings of unrequited love or desire. Therapists are seductive and set traps for clients, even if they are not aware of it. And then you are encouraged to come back again and again, which is a recipe for emotional wounding. And for what?

Hi, longtime lurker, first time poster. In response to the OP: your post could have been written by me. I’ve been seeing my t for about a year and a half. We are the same age. He and I built a nice rapport quickly. Never had been to a male therapist. Wasn’t expecting intense romantic feelings, but around month six, they were there in a major way. I’m being vulnerable with him, he’s listening, he’s normalizing, he cares. How could I not develop intense feelings? It’s normal. I disclosed. I still have intense loving/sexual feelings toward him. He knows. It just rarely comes up anymore because I don’t feel it needs to. It’s my therapy, and I’ve got other stuff to talk about. Whether you want to disclose your feelings or not, is completely up to you. I don’t think they’ll necessarily get in the way of therapy. I’ve done great work in therapy. I’m very attached to him, and he feels a connection to me as well. He’s never said it like that, but we’re two humans and we have a nice chemistry. I think it helps therapy, because I actually like going. I fantasize about him. I enjoy the fantasies and accept them for what they are. I enjoy the time I have with him and the work I’m doing. And what my desires for him reveal about what I’m missing in my other relationships, and ways I can begin to form healthy romantic relationships in my “real” life. Eventually our work will be done. That will be painful, but most relationships that end have some degree of pain. Suffering is part of the human condition. So is joy and laughter. And love too. I’m just glad to have met him in any capacity.

Honestly, I think sexual attraction is a fact of life. Sexual attraction does not automatically equate to "transference," even though it can be a symptom of that. But even "transference" is just a fancy word for your pattern of relating to others, not only to therapists, but to people in general. There's nothing wrong with sexual attraction, there's nothing wrong with talking about it, and if your therapist is going to have any kind of problem with you talking about it, you would definitely want to know that sooner rather than later.

I never thought of it this way, but I think you make a good point. It is such a one-sided deal, spilling your life's darkest moments to a stranger, and such a vulnerable situation, and they don't reciprocate. In my case, it's when he does reciprocate just a little that the attraction intensifies because I see his personality a bit more openly, and I like it. He does not realize this, or I'm fairly certain he would not do it. In no way does he strike me as the type who would intentionally seduce a client. He is unaware of it. That doesn't make it any easier. It just leaves me wishing for something I should not want, feeling confused and guilty, and it makes me more uncomfortable with each session.

I know the only way to get this cleared up is to tell him exactly what I'm experiencing. Until then, or until he notices that I'm getting noticeably weirder each time he sees me, we'll be stuck. But I know that telling him means I may end up quitting because knowing that he knows what I think about him would make it too embarrassing to continue.

I just read this and it sort of breaks my heart. I just want to tell you, I wish I could hug you. I would challenge your thought process that you are wishing for something you should not want. I think it’s healthy to want to connect with someone that cares about you, listens, validates, doesn’t judge you. I can’t tell my body “Hey, we’re in therapy here. Don’t you be sexually attracted to this man across from you. Don’t you feel connected or attracted to this man modeling what a healthy relationship should look like!” I don’t expect you can either. I’ve read so many posts about the shame of feeling attachment towards our therapists, sexually or otherwise, and I wish I could hug you all and say “You have no reason to feel shame for wanting a human connection.” The therapist can’t fulfill our sexual needs. But they can help us discover ways to get them fulfilled by others, and we can practice recognizing that those sexual feelings are sparked by an individual sitting across from us that is connecting with us in a healthy way. I completely understand what you are going through. And I just want you to know, it can get better, and you can use the feelings in a positive way if you choose to. It is your therapist’s responsibility to create a safe, non-judgmental environment for you, and to listen to your feelings, ANY and ALL feelings you may have. If your therapist isn’t able to handle that, then that would be good for you to know, as they may not be a skilled therapist. And there is also no shame if you feel that you can’t use the romantic or sexual feelings in a constructive way, or that they might get in the way of your therapeutic progress. You know you better than anyone. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone with your feelings, and that I have such respect for you for being brave enough to share them here. And that I so appreciate hearing everyone else’s perspective even if it’s different than mine. And also I’m sorry if I have rambled on and I hope I’m not hijacking this post, I’m new and don’t really know all the ins and outs of this site yet!

I went thru this as well. I began searching for clues that there was real chemistry or that she was relating to me as something more than a customer. When I found one, I exaggerated it and fixated on it, till it was all i could think of. I became increasingly miserable. And there was a growing undercurrent of humiliation. Honestly, i realized later that i'd been violated emotionally in various subtle ways, but i'd been conditioned to see the process as necessary and "safe", thus i kept subjecting myself to the pain. Plus I was addicted to the attunement. Stopping was the only answer.

I needed to hear this too, thank you!

This explains the feeling very well. I find myself sometimes doing this now, reading into his body language or choice of words to find some hint that the attraction is mutual. I know it's stupid, but I do it anyway. In reality, I am just another client to him.

Thank you for your concern and positive words. The issue for me is, and I hadn't mentioned it until now, that neither of us is single. He's not and I'm not. I have a good relationship outside of therapy, so the attraction I feel for him does make me feel guilty. I should not be seeing a male therapist if this is a result. On the other hand, if I have these feelings, then maybe there is another issue to be addressed about the way I relate to men. And that is probably...correct.

Not necessarily. In my opinion, the therapeutic relationship is more reflective of a parent-child relationship than a healthy relationship between two adults. I think this is where things get a little sticky. A healthy parent-child relationship is one-sided, revolving around the child, with the parent providing a safe, non-judgmental environment for the child to grow. It is possible that you are having an adult reaction (sexual feelings) to a child's longing for the unconditional acceptance a healthy parent should provide.

If your relationship with your partner is, in general, satisfactory, I would caution using your feelings for your therapist as a gauge for that relationship.

I would argue that there is nothing inherently wrong with having these kinds of feelings, even if you are married. I think most people who have been married for a while have experienced feelings for someone else. The important thing is to not ACT on those feelings. I think it would be very appropriate to tell your therapist that you are feeling conflicted about this and it might even help you get over it if you can analyze what this all means with him.

I had feelings for my last t for the three or so years that I saw him. I didn’t talk to him about it until my last session. I think he was sad that we wouldn’t have a chance to work through it.

It was starting to happen again with current t but not as clear cut. The feelings are all over the place from romantic and sexual, but often friend like feelings or feeling he is like the older brother I never had. I have talked to him about feeling love for him but not specifically what kind. I left it undefined. It is really hard to talk about but they have heard it before. A good t will help manage it and put that energy to use. Warm and fuzzy feelings can act like the carrot on a stick in therapy. Sounds unkind but as long as you don’t expect a true romantic relationship out of it, the feelings can be useful. A terrible therapist will freak out and cut and run on you. Unfortunately on pc it sounds like this happens a lot too. If that happens it’s your cue to walk away. Easier said than done.