i must have ruined my therapy

I think telling my therapist about all the sexual and love feelings made him resent or hate me or become disgusted by me.

I didn't hold anything back, but I knew the whole time it was transference. i thought that is what i was supposed to do.

reddit.com/r/psychotherapy/comments/
5s9s2x/therapists_reaction_to_erotic_transference

I would hope as a therapist he would be ready for that...it's a pretty common situation.

sadly they don't all handle it well. it's unfortunate. there is no supposed to... you are advised to tell them but you don't have to. I'm sorry it didn't go well for you

Thanks. I realize it's not my fault but had a momentarily lapse back into that damn state of powerlessness.

He didn't let me be myself. My parents didn't let me be myself, the person who I was meant to become. The abuse and neglect were atrocious. I thought i could discover myself in therapy, but he did not accept my feelings and in effect crushed my newly found autonomy.

I asked him repeatedly what happened to the therapy. He never gave me a reasonable answer, so if I want an answer, I don't have much choice other than to try to figure it out here.

—if you r talking about gushing out feelings about the therapist, he or she may be trying to quash them fastest by giving the cold shoulder. That is classic behavior modification. Just don’t go there. If they oo and ah over it, on one level they r encouraging that path when u need to switch to another one FAST.

Was in this situation and then analyzed it on my terms, and concluded that it's a form of institutional abuse and exploitation... provoke strong feelings in client, coax out (implicitly or explicitly) disclosure of those feelings, then reject client in some fashion.

No, it happened over a period of years rather than gushing out feelings. I never made the relationship more than it was or expected him to reciprocate. He did not say I couldn't talk about the feelings but it seemed to cause negative countertransference in the end.

Fixing the link from my post above: Therapist'''s reaction to erotic transference : psychotherapy

This is a conversation by therapists about negative feelings they have about clients who have erotic transference.

Sorry you were in a similar situation.

I'm close to concluding any problems were due to his own issues, but knowing this rationally doesn't resolve it. We had a major rupture and although I tried to work through it, I never went back and just decided to end abruptly.

I thought I was over it, but it (how his behaviors or feelings affected me) keeps seeping back in. I'm in this strange limbo where I want to get past it and put it behind me, but at the same time, feel I need to work it out with him to get past it.

At other times, it's like a rollercoaster where sometimes I think I can figure it out myself; then other times I think I need to resolve it directly with him. I'm a the point where I'm trying to decide whether or not to resume the therapy to resolve the issue. The risk is that I could be worse off from doing so.

I'm not a regular in this forum but I saw this and thought, yeah, can apply to any transference. And is a form of abuse, and exploitation. Also institutional betrayal because the notion that it is "safe" to feel and express your feelings in therapy is now a lie.

Maybe it applied more in the old days when blank slate psychoanalysis was about the only therapy.

But definitely not now.

So sorry, you are still dealing with this stuff. I'm still dealing with horrible feelings, too.

My issue was more idealization, not love, and not sexual. But I don't think you ruined the therapy -- it was ruined, the therapist was ruined, before you got there. What's lost is. . .something else. . .wishes, beliefs, etc. that it would be different, maybe. Maybe another therapy could help with that, idk. But I've found more help on PC, with other people who feel, and have been, betrayed in different ways, even though I tried several T's since my last therapy ended 2 years ago. Therapy, and the idea of therapy, mostly turns my stomach these days.

I figured it out on my own, and to me that is the point. None of the therapists I saw had any great insights, about anything, and ending the charade with these phonies and neurotics was the answer. Seems one risk of re-engaging is tapping into a bottomless pit of thoughts and feelings, and where does it end. Main issue for me is therapist cut me off before I could finish telling her what a mess she'd made and how I felt about that. I think this was the only therapeutic part, because by talking back to her, the hierarchy was dissolved. She could not stand it, and that was the end.

I don't feel like I need therapy any longer in a general sense. I've done enough therapy. Therapy was the seed; now that it has been planted firmly, the seedling having took root a few years ago, the leaves have grown into a lush tree. Nothing has wilted, though I have much room to grow as anybody.

The one thing hanging over me, however, is that rupture... I realize I am contradicting myself in stating it was due to his issues, but at the same time, needing to figure out why. That's definitely the nature of my unresolved 'inner conflict'.

Sorry that you are dealing with horrible feelings and the thought of therapy makes you ill. Have you thought about going back to your last one? Thanks for the suggestion about trying another therapist. The thought of starting over with another therapist makes me sort of ill, so I doubt if I would ever go there. Still weighing the decision about if/how to resolve the past rupture with this one.

I did go back to the last one, and I guess the resolution was, there is no resolution. I wanted to complain or write bad reviews online -- I wanted to "hurt" her, as she had hurt me. I worked on accepting that response in me and eventually wrote her an email asking for a partial refund for the last year. I had been paying her out of pocket.

She offered a small amount, as a "good will gesture". I didn't want that. I suggested we meet for free for several sessions. She agreed. After about 3 it became clear that she thought the fact that she didn't have the emotional resources to have what it took to finish the therapy with me that she had started, and thought in the beginning that she could, did not count as her not doing her job. She did find a referral for me, which I was not interested in. I also emailed her several times, and she responded, mostly about my continuing pain and outrage. We are not in a permanent emotional cut-off necessarily. So, for me, seeking to "resolve" things did eventually lead to some resolution and acceptance inside myself that there was likely no resolution in the outside situation.

Looking back now, there were a bunch of feelings that came out of that experience that I was not used to, not "in touch" with. First, wanting to hurt her so badly -- that eventually made it's way into the civil, if unpleasant, email requesting a refund. Second -- disappointment, not just rage, at her failure/inabilty to do her job. At her leading me on, so to speak. These are not pleasant feelings, but useful for me to have, and they serve a purpose.

Main horrible feeling I have now is that I believed in, and put effort into therapy for so long, my outside, "real" life fell apart, and I'm now 70 and trying to put something together now is very difficult.

But, it seems, maybe not impossible either. One foot in front of the other. It is what it is.

Don't know if my story has any relevance to your situation. Maybe your rollercoaster is like what I called my hyperaroused feelings?

I'd be interested in reading how things turn out for you if you do try to talk to your ex-T again.

why do you think this? what has he done to make you think he resents or hates you?

I've seen him several times since this post.

He said talking about the past wasn't helpful to me, and that I was reliving it. I was so shocked-i did that for over 5 years. It made sense; even this week, I had flashbacks within a few minutes of talking about PTSD. It takes me over...

I felt so much better after talking with him, revisiting the therapy. He was very kind and seemed to want to help. I'm glad i reconnected with him.

This post isn't about romantic feelings. I just put it up here because I mentioned sexual feelings.

I saw this clarification on another's thread and wanted to do the same.

It's not a big deal, but I don't relate therapy feelings with romantic feelings in any way. I don't even know what romantic feelings would apply to a therapist-wanting to date your therapist in real life?

I’m never telling another therapist about ‘loving feelings’ if that ever happens again.
In my experience, most therapists just don’t get it.

It seems that this is such a common issue and yet most therapists don't appear to have a clue. I also think that the waters are often muddied by their own feelings towards the client and this becomes a particular problem when they aren't 'dealing' their feelings. I'm sorry you had such a tough time.

Thank you for your kindness TeaVicar?.

He told me he had to be careful with me to make sure I didn't go down the wrong path. But I believe he misunderstood where the sexual feelings came from and what they meant. I told him it felt like he was rejecting a part of me.

I was really surprised he told me this. He seems to be taking a much different approach with me and it has been helpful.

What do you think he meant by this? Do you mean he wouldn't allow you to talk about your sexual feelings?

What's the 'wrong' path?!

No, I have talked about those feelings off/on over the years. I think in these instances, he may have been trying to divert me away from the topic.

The wrong path-I'm not sure, but my guess is he meant it was some kind of fixation to move past rather than work through. I also don't remember if he said I or we in terms of going down the wrong path.

He seemed really paternal this time and telling me he was trying to be careful with me. All this time it felt like rejection as I didn't know he was thinking this. That he told me this makes him seem fatherly and protective, which I like. And which is total opposite of how he was before. I feel much better about the whole therapy.