Grooming process and "pink" flags

Oh, yes, in terms of "pink flags"..I don't think anyone can clearly pinpoint what they are. All I can say is that if you have strong feelings a.k.a "transference" for your therapist you won't be able to detect what's wrong for quite some time because some of the inappropriate things the therapist does may feel great to you. F.i, when the therapist tells you that they "love" you, that would make you happy and you'd believe that this is very "healing" and exactly what you need when, in fact, this is a clear indication that you should run away and never return.

Many things will not be obvious. They'll be subtle. In general, anything that the therapist says or does that sounds or looks personal rather than professional could be a "pink flag". I am saying "could be" because it's difficult to make a list of such "flags" without running a risk of demonizing some basic human behaviors and gestures as "unprofessional". I've seen websites that have such "lists" and I find them stupid. Many things on those lists don't mean anything in and of themselves. F.i, they suggest that scheduling a session at the late hour is a "red flag" when, in some instances, it might just be the only time available. Everything is contextual. You can't categorize anything as a "red" or "pink" or whatever "flag" unless you look at it in the context of the specific situation in which it took place.

In short, the best way to evaluate those situations is to create a distance between you and your feelings in order not to be swept by them. Listen to what your gut is telling you. If it tells you that something is not right, most likely it isn't. This doesn't mean you should immediately leave. Just be mindful of the fact that you are vulnerable in this situation and that you can't completely trust your feelings and your thought process. As much as possible , try to make a distance between your inner "observer" and your mental state. The "observer" is your awareness, the only thing you can trust which will eventually tell you what's going on if you trust it and stay connected to it.

Sorry if this answer disappoints you since there is no "flags"descriptions and no instructions on what to do but that's kind of how life is..

Yeah, I totally know what you mean about lists. I guess maybe a better way to put it is, When you look back with your new perspective, when should you have left? When should it have become obvious that the therapist was abusing you or had intent to abuse you? Sometimes I look back on my abusive situations and I'm just like, damn, it should have been clear and would have been if you weren't the frog in the pot.

I look at it differently. I don't tell myself that I should have left at such and such time. I know that I left when I was ready to leave. I knew something was wrong for a long time, but I also knew that I was not strong enough to leave and so I allowed myself to hang in there for as long as I needed to get enough strength to break away. Meanwhile, I was observing myself and what was happening from a neutral place and I solicited some outside help - from other therapists and some other people. I look back at this and see it as an enormously important life lesson. I wish I didn't have to pay such a high price to learn it, but we don't get to decide how we learn things in this life. If we are forced to learn something the hard way, it means that there was really no other way to teach us..

I think about this. When should I have known...as a 38 y/o with social awkwardness..coming to therapy already not reading other people’s cues very well.

With #2 AbsuviePdoc (he sexually exploited me), Maybe it should have been at the beginning of the full-body hugs. Maybe it should have been when he asked me to relate any sexual fantasies I had of him. But the hugs didn’t seem overtly sexual. And I thought relating fantasies were just part of therapy.

When many people go to the doctor they don’t go with the mindset,’ I’ll not take their advice.’ That’s why you consult a doctor or therapist, right? Because you’re in over your head, you’re confused. You go to them for help. You think they might know something you don’t know.

Ok, NOW I go to the doctor with the mindset, ‘question everything.’ ! But people don’t always do that.

The psychiatrist #1 (PrevPDoc) I saw before the sexually exploitative one #2 (AbusivePDoc) completely sexualized therapy, was completely into Freud. He loved the f* word. He’d explain it’s just a word. It’s a wonderful word that can mean so many different things. He was charismatic. He was a force all his own.

Once, in inpatient group therapy #1 had a group of us women in therapy. He started talking about fantasies, how fantasies were harmless, just thoughts. No action. He told us, ‘ I’ve already f* you and you and you in my fantasies, pointing to each of us. Totally sexualized all of us. But this was accepted? We all just smiled! He was a hit! We accepted this.

Now, looking back, I see he did many unethical things. But he never touched me. He never suggested FOR REAL that we should have a romantic or physical relationship. He was a colorful guy.

I had just moved to California at that time. I thought that’s just how therapy was done in California.

Years later, I found out that #1 PrevPdoc had some kind of front lobe dementia. He was arrested for writing opioid and benzo prescriptions and selling them. At least one person died from overdosing on his prescriptions. He is now a felon and in prison. Although I never saw that kind of behavior around me, I never heard of him selling scripts around me or my group of friends, his dementia was probably part of the explanation for his colorful therapy style and lack of boundaries when I knew him. How would a regular person be able to spot that? He was the director of the hospital. Why wouldnt his own colleagues call him out if they knew better?? How could I know he was sick if no ne else knew it or said anything?
My take-away was this behavior was accepted!

#1 PrevPDoc moved and I began seeing #2 AbusivePdoc.

But up until after the #2 abusive Pdoc, no one had ever discussed ‘boundaries’ with me. Therapists before had redirected me, Sure, they might say, ‘Let’s not discuss that here. Take that issue back to group and tell THEM.’ Therapists had boundaries on their contact limitations, etc. But no one had ever discussed MY boundaries with me in a meaningful way.

It’s a conversation I needed to have. I needed to learn where my boundaries were. I needed to know I should have my own boundaries and not just go along and accept everything that happened to me. No one told me about ‘ethics.’
I was gullible and naive. I wish someone had told me before I got into this entire mess.. but who?

It’s a conversation more therapists need to have with their clients.

I am better at boundaries now. But I beat myself up with when ‘I should have known.’

I think about it. But I just don’t know when ‘I should have known.’