Struggling (still) to confront therapist regarding "sexualizing" our therapy

I have spent years trying to confront my t about how he sexualized our relDo you want to get kissed, do you want to get naked, get laid?
Who wouldn’t fall in love with you?!
My colleagues would tell me to run fast and far but I will never abandon you.
How is it every week you take me on a journey where I should not go?
This is beginning to look like a personal relationship.
It is hard for US to end the session and hard for US to say goodbye.
If I gave you the green light, would you go for it?
I’ve failed you and I need to work on that.
Something between us could happen if I was feeling sad or lonely.
You fit right under my arm.
Every man in your life has failed you.
I like curves (he said, “God’s curves”)
I am afraid I am going to fall and it would ruin my life.
I know that you would make a wonderful love partner.
Do you think that if I kissed you it would take away the pain?
I am human and can be tempted.
I am curious, torn scared and conflicted.
I need to check myself and make sure I am not exploiting you physically, emotionally or financially.
If I were to stick my tongue down your throat, you would reject me.
(Pouring water in my glass): Let me fill you up, in a manner of speaking.
You are in my heart and in my head.
Are you wearing a bra? Having an orgasm?
Motioning me with his hands: Bring it on
If I were not married, I would probably go for it.
Held hands, fingers interlocking.
Where do you like to be kissed?
Would you want to have sex with a married man?
Men see purity and innocence in you.
You are so much fun to play with.
Who WOULDN’T fall in love with you?!
I had marshmallows in my mouth and e said: ‘You have quite a capacity…has your mouth slipped off anything else?
Asked why he was (stroking he leg) self-pleasuring. He said, “I do that when I am around you.”
We haven’t discussed OUR orgasm.
Your cup runneth over
I am killing you.
Let me find that sweet sot
A hand could get lost down there
You are a fire
You have hair like a movie star
It is not a me thing, but an US thing
Do you want me to see your nipples?
Do you like undressing for men?
Did he (boyfriend) slip you the tongue?
Ever had your picture taken in the nude?
You have an agile tongue.
Hooked his elbow around my knee and tried to flip me
I touched his nipples and he said, ‘Are they hard?” He said his nipples ae hard ALL of the time .
3 things that turn him on: oral sex, hands all over his body and undressing him.
Invited me to unbutton his shirt and said, ‘It wouldn’t be that much of a boundary violation..”
Told him I thought he was “lonely and hungry”—He said, ‘your evidence/’
Smelled my wrist and slid his face up to my elbow.
Doesn’t like to fight his feelings and if he were ever to touch me he would be “toast.”
If feeling sad or lonely he could take me in his arms and it would be “all over.
You are “passionate, enchantress, angel, elegant, lovely, naïve, wild, crazy, photogenic, spitfire, flirt, seductive and alluring.
You are emotionally sensitive.
My poetry is a “masterpiece” to the world.
I missed you.
I allow for the possibility of surprises.
You are not out of my head once we leave (you are in my heart and in my head) ,
You have been blessed; you can show me more, I wont be offended…in regards to my cleavage.
Can’t believe you don’t know about your power over men.
Admitted my perceptions were correct about him being hungry and lonely.
He is aware of how “hard, soft and what is touching when we hug.”
Drove me home and we sat listening to Yanni (blasting on the radio!) eating chocolate with the moon roof down: he said, ‘If I were your date, I would walk you to the door and shake your hand. “
Put a lei on me and said, ‘It doesn’t mean much without the kiss.”
Said, “move your breasts” twice.
Erections make him feel “alive..”
I’d push you against the wall and you’d be naked before you hit the wall.
You’d like to be nailed to the wall.
I might kiss you.
I trust you with my life.
That is what will happen….we will get married?
Said it would be “pleasureable to make love to me.”
He felt scared and pleasure at whaat happened between us.
I almost touched your softness.
You touched my penis.
If you kiss me…then you kiss me.
Holding my wrists and pulling me on top of him.

You just want me to chase you down and go after you.

He did role reversal and became “me.” I was SO in shock:
You are in love with me but just won’t say it. Would you like to F….me? Can’t we be F…buddies? Aren’t my breasts beautiful? Wouldn’t you like to touch them? Can I give you a blow job; sit on my lap; can we take off our clothes?

There is much more (years and years), but you get the drift!

Below is the letter I wrote, but haven't given to him:

Dear......:

People are what they do, not what they say. You said you didn't like to play with fire. For years now you have been playing with fire. Tempting, teasing, tormenting and torturing me, while you could walk away back to your happy little life unscathed. You gave me mixed messages: come here,, go away..I want you, I don't... Fortunately for me I am a strong woman, but not made of steel. I was authentic in my conversation and feelings for you. You were not. You had your cake and ate it too. My love was pure and from the soul; you have a lust thing going on; I resent that you played fast and loose with my emotions, heart and soul. That is sadistic. You walked away every week, with a "have a nice week"---Talk about surreal, like the teasing, sexual flirting never happened. You have thrown me on the couch, laid on top of me and said "Do you want to feel my full body weight?" You pulled my wrists and pulled me on top of you...that is only a few of the 100's of sexual behavior/teasing you did to me. I imagine your family, friends, colleagues and students wouldn't believe how you behaved with me. You are delusional if you think you are faithful. I usually know what session the guilt will get to you, and that you will be cold, withdrawn, with the Sybil persona. I sit there in misery. You played with my emotions, heart and soul. I was a woman who loved you with a pure heart. You have been unfaithful and cheating for years.

You have given me so many "green lights" I should be blind by now.

You sexualized our relationship x years ago, physically and verbally. I guess you had nothing to lose; play with me and leave. I had to process and go through myriad emotions; confusion, anger, sadness, frustration and hatred.

If you are happily married then help me understand how you have been coming on to me for years. What needs of yours am I meeting? What is missing in your life? I know that if I were in love with someone, there is no way I would be flirting, teasing with another man, let alone as a therapist in a professional setting.

If you weren't happily married and struggling with your feelings for me, I could forgive that.

If you ARE happily married and playing with my mind/seductive behavior, I will NEVER forgive that.

It was your responsibility to remain professional. You CHOSE to behave sexually towards me: Sexual misconduct.

I could have dealt with my feelings for you on my own, but you dragged me into YOUR struggle.

All of your degrees, etc., don't mean anything. People think they know you. Fortunately for you, I won't reveal the dark/sexual side you have shown me. How nice for you. great professional life, family, instructor, pastor, but it is all a SHAM.

The miracle is not that I haven't acted on my feelings, but that I haven't in spite of all you have done to ENC
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ationship; have contacted many therapists...all in an attempt to do what I know I need to do...confront the t. Thank you for reading this very long list.

WTH? I recommend you never see this “therapist” again and report his unethical behavior. You have been paying him for therapy and he has been sexually and emotionally abusing you.

Nicole, I remember your posts about him from years ago. What he did was abusive and not ok. If I remember correctly, he stopped the sexualisation and cut off all affection and continued to see you as his client? Are you still seeing him? It does sound like a very damaging, abusive relationship. If you are still seeing him, I can understand that leaving might be very painful but perhaps, you could seek someone else to help with the transition? You should also consider reporting him but I'm sure you know that already.

You've been seeing him for a long time, haven't you?

sending hugs

Thank you for your kind reply, and hugs! You are remembering correctly. I am much closer to confronting him; I know I have to do it for myself! Hugs right back, xo

He has crossed the line many many times and seems to think that he can carry on being your therapist, pretending nothing happened. Even if he is no longer behaving inappropriately, the fact that he refuses to acknowledge what he did is very problematic. Therapists do F up but the good ones should be able to acknowledge it and apologise... and most likely refer you to a new therapist, to mitigate any further damage.

What do you think he will say if you confront him? What do you want him to say? Going by his previous behaviour, you might not get the response you hope for. Could you find someone else, along side seeing him, just while you are able to detach from him?

Thanks TeaVicar: I went to see him for an unusual reason (church abuse), and since he was also...a pastor, was well-versed in spiritual abuse.....He did something for me that no one ever did....stood up for me. That in itself was powerful. I don't need another therapist, as the issue was resolved.

I have no idea what he will say when I confront him; and that makes me fearful. I have only one question for him: WHY did you lead me on, et.....What I would want him to say is: I did it because..........I don't want an apology; that would mean nothing. Aside from the ethics he violated, the fact that years ago when I told him of my feelings for him, he said: "I am deeply in love with my wife." In that aspect, how if you love someone could you do that?! This went on for 10 years and then he stopped without any explanation. I stayed because of my feelings for him; knowing of course it was unhealthy.

As an aside awhile ago I mentioned to him that he said: "If I were not married I would probably go for it (he did not deny it), but said: "That was then." That felt like a slap in the face.

Thank you for your comments; they are so appreciated!

This sounds a bit like the midlife crisis stories (which can occur at any age, IMO) where people get bored and look for new excitement, new fantasies, new secret relationships without much responsibility, etc. They engage their imagination intensely for a while because it just feels good, especially if it is reinforced/reciprocated. Then it dissipates and people move on (or blow their lives, but that was not the case here).

I was involved in quite a few of such relationships in my youth, with married men. Some never progressed beyond fantasizing and sexual tension, others became quite intense and engaging, even obsessive affairs. I kept in touch with some of those men over many years or reconnected, and we often discussed that past phase - it was interesting when people could be honest but disappointing when they couldn't. Why are you hesitant/afraid to confront the T, Nicole? Given that you do seem to have a desire to confront him? Do you still have feelings for him and maybe don't want to break the illusions/memories? In my case, I never felt I gained too much from the above discussions that happened later, not even from those that were sort of interesting. They mostly just confirmed what I already figured by myself about the nature of the relationships and the other person's motives, as well as my own motives back in the day.

I'll add my two cents since you put the topic out for discussion though I don't think my thoughts would make any difference.

I've been following your story Nicole for a long time now and you seem to be in the same place where I "saw" you the first time I read your story. Same descriptions of what he did to you, same questions you've asked yourself for years. I understand you are feeling much closer to confronting him, but until this inner urge manifests itself into an action you are still in the same place in terms of your emotional involvement with this man.

As to the confrontation, I can relate to the desire to confront. I've confronted many people in my life who have wronged me, not only therapists. But for me the confrontation was necessary not to get my questions answered. I knew that those people wouldn't have any interest in being honest with me because they didn't even want to be honest with themselves. I needed to confront them because confrontations always made me feel empowered and gave me the energy to leave the toxic, harmful situations.

You seem to want to confront your abuser for the sake of getting the honest answers to your questions from him, which is not going to happen. Someone, who's been doing what he's been doing to you for may years has absolutely zero interest in being honest. If he was capable of being honest, he wouldn't have started doing all this crap to you in the first place. If you confront him and demand answers he'd say something that would confuse you even more, which will continue to keep you tied to him. You won't get your questions answered. The question then becomes are you willing to accept this reality or not?

I think, the most important question for you is the one you are not asking directly, the one that is behind the questions you want to ask him, and that is "does he love me or does he love his wife?" or "who does he love more, me or his wife?" I believe this is the wrong thing to concern yourself with, the wrong question to ask yourself. The right questions to ask in your situation would be "am I willing to continue to tolerate abuse?" and "for how long am I going to tolerate abuse?"

Being so obsessed about his wife and how he feels about her as opposed to how he feels about you means that you define your self-worth through him and his feelings towards you as opposed to deciding that you are good enough for yourself regardless how he or anyone else feels about you and demanding respect for yourself.

(((Nicole))) its not about him, its about you. What is your life without him in it? I let go of my t at the beginning of this summer after more than ten years. It was hard, it still IS hard. But i was just acting out feeling safe as long as i was doing what "they" wanted me to do, and not deciding for myself. Its an embarrassment of riches.

Dear X...Yes, in a nutshell I still have feelings for him.....if he were to deny it (don't know how he could with that list), then there would be nothing to talk about...What he did wasn't an every now and then misstep, but a weekly ongoing pattern....for 10 years...I have had a few revenge fantasies, such as walking out the door and saying: I want you to worry for the rest of your life that I am going to ruin your life......of course I won't do that. The irony is that he taught me the most valuable words: Restorative Justice....restorative justice says....this is what you did, this is how it made me feel.....

I overcame a childhood of poverty (no phone, car, refrigerator, tub/shower in a 120-year old tenement house...snow came in thru a crack in the wall; molested in my sleep, abusive mother and didn't know my father (divorce situation); tracked him down when I was 30........a 31 year abusive marriage, abused by a church, etc., etc....My life story won a scholarship, and I began school at 60 and am a Sophomore at 71 (still feel 18).....I am a veteran, and have written 2 books......I have stood up to injustice all of my life, but this situation with the t seems to be the one I cannot (not yet, anyway)....address. Thank you for your thoughts and insight!

I agree with what you wrote. I am not obsessed about his wife; I believe he loves her. I will get to where I need to be; it doesn't matter how he responds....I deserve an answer This is about me and how I feel about what he did...restorative justice.

((Unaluna): Thank you for your kind reply! I have spent my life standing up for myself,so once more i need to do it....for myself. xo

If he really loved his wife, would he have been sexual with you? Even if this never became physical, if it was only verbal and emotional, he cheats on his wife by doing what he does with you.

If this was simply a man you had a personal relationship with and he taunted you for years with emotional/sexual dynamics, then this has been an emotional affair. But this man abused his power and professional position to boot. You have been in an emotional affair with, I believe, a narcissist.

Nicole, you are the one who recommended The Verbally Abusive Relationship, which I read and it helped me greatly. In this case, you are in a verbally abusive relationship, only he doesn’t spew curse words at you. Instead he molests you with sexual words and teases you to thinking he loves you. He doesn’t love anyone but himself. He abuses you and his wife.

I’m so sorry you are experiencing this.

Sure, you can confront him, and maybe that will help you move on and feel better. But, don’t expect him to say anything that will satisfy you. Expect him to dish out more BS.

Dear Tisha: Every word you wrote was so true and I thank you for your kindness. i am sure I will confront him, and am ready for some psychobabble bs. Wow, you put it so succintly...."molests me with sexual words."

Be careful. You know ending an abusive relationship can be dangerous.

Good luck Nicole, we are with you!

I just want you to know that I don't have any "agenda" for you. I respect the choice you've been making so far and I will continue to respect whatever choice you will make in the future. I just hope very much that your choices, whatever they are, will be fully conscious.

My attitude towards choices other people make has always been that when they fully understand the situation, fully know what they are doing and are willing to fully accept the consequences, I have no judgment of what they do. Everyone has their own path in life to follow and we don't have the capacity to understand other people's path nor do we need to.

Nicole, as you know, you describe a very abusive relationship.

I have extremely poor results confronting people who abuse me, particularly therapists.Some seem by title and training to have special reinforcement that whatever they do must be magical and healing. Trying to break through their delusions and self protections is an exercise in frustration.

It then goes back to me to untangle from that person, to sort out the lies and to cut off the damage. It's certainly a therapist abandoning responsibility, but I found that was my only recourse.

I'm sorry you have this enmeshment. The abusing person usually is so lost, they're the last person who can help. I filed a grievance long after my bullying relationship ended, and the therapist obviously learned nothing.

Thank you MissBella: YOu are very sweet and I agree with all you have said; I have spent my life speaking up against injustice and abuse, and it makes me SO angry, that once again I have to do it, and it was all so unnecessary! xo

In this case you don’t necessarily have to speak up when voting with your feet will impart the message. Dragging their garbage is opposite of how it’s supposed to work.

Nothing I said got through to my bully therapist. Leaving had to suffice. He later served on the ethics board himself.