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New Member
Member Since Apr 2019
Location: Canada
Posts: 5
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#1
Hey! I'm new to this site and I'm hoping for some help. I've been going to therapy (CBT) for almost 8 months to treat anxiety and depression. I started developing feelings for my therapist earlier this year which was very confusing at first but after doing some research I learned that it is transference and normal.
I am married and been feeling very guilty to the point where I feel like it is intefering with my marriage. I have a very loving and supportive husband but don't think this is something I can talk to him about because I don't want him to worry. I'm still not even sure if I can bring it up with my therapist because I don't know how she will respond. Is there anyone out there who has been through this? What did you end up doing? |
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LonesomeTonight, TeaVicar?
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jan 2012
Location: rochester, michigan
Posts: 3,111
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#2
I have been in love with my t for a long time. It is common to have feelings for someone who listens and affirms who we are. Feelings aren't right or wrong, they simply are. If you t is well-trained she will handle your feelings sensitively and kindly, and be happy you shared them with her.
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Lonelyinmyheart, may24
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Member
Member Since Apr 2015
Location: in the parlour.
Posts: 353
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#3
It's a really common occurrence in therapy. When you consider why we're in therapy in the first place, it's usually to do with love... a lack or it or the abuse of it, so it's no wonder our love and desire to be loved back comes out in therapy. Accepting our feelings might be the first step.
Guilt is often linked to shame, and for most of us, love and shame go hand in hand. If our love (and our need for love) was met with anger, ambivalence or nothing, then we might internalise the love-shame connection. It's great that you have a good relationship with your husband. Maybe you could channel some of that love energy into your relationship? I did feel guilty sometimes but I also recognised that it was part of the process. Boundaries help everyone in that respect. __________________ "It is a joy to be hidden but a disaster not to be found." D.W. Winnicott |
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koru_kiwi, Leafsgirl34, Lonelyinmyheart, ~Isola~
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New Member
Member Since Apr 2019
Location: Canada
Posts: 5
5 |
#4
You're right about channeling some of that love into my marriage. I've gone through miscarriages and a stillbirth over the past few years so i've kinda felt like i've been in this fog I can't snap out of which made me start therapy in the first place. I feel like all my depression and anxiety has made it harder putting energy into my marriage at times. I probably should of gone to therapy years ago because i've suffered from depression and anxiety for a very long time.
I did have a childhood where I felt like I never got a lot of emotional support, mostly from my father. He is also an alcoholic which made life tougher. I didn't realize how much it affected me until I was in my 30s. Over the years I learned to push people away when I needed support because I never felt I could really turn to anyone especially as a teenager. |
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autonoe, koru_kiwi, Lonelyinmyheart, LonesomeTonight, precaryous, TeaVicar?, ~Isola~
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Member
Member Since Apr 2018
Location: US
Posts: 118
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#5
At times I've felt sexually attracted to my therapist. Other times, not at all. It comes and goes. I used to feel guilty about it because I'm also in a relationship and so is he. But I don't feel guilty anymore. I think it's just part of what can happen when two adults sit alone together and share intimate things. In my case, if I'd met my therapist outside of therapy and we were both single, he's someone I'd want to date. But I know realistically that it's never going to happen and I just have to let the attraction come and go as it does. I've never mentioned it to him and I don't plan on it because I'm worried he might choose to refer me to another therapist if I made the mistake of saying too much.
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Leafsgirl34, Lonelyinmyheart, LonesomeTonight
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Poohbah
Member Since Jun 2019
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,093
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#6
I relate to this as well. I've had childlike feelings for current, and other Ts, but I've never experienced erotic transference before. I'm not sure guilt is the right word for me, but it does feel a shameful thing and deeply embarrassing, even though I haven't told T about this. She knows about the childlike transference, but not that I have sexual feelings. Id like to tell her at some point but then I wonder why I'd want to. I can't imagine actually WANTING to do anything with her, so maybe I just want to be honest about all of my feelings. Not sure I can though. Unlike you, I'm single so I don't have a partner to worry about. It must be incredibly distracting to be experiencing sexual attraction to T whilst in a relationship. If you can, and if the feelings get too intense, it could well be worth discussing them with T so you can explore why you're having them. Obviously you may find they wear off on their own and you don't need to.
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New Member
Member Since Apr 2019
Location: Canada
Posts: 5
5 |
#7
Yeah it is pretty embarrassing and telling her would make it more embarrassing. It comes and goes now. I agree that I have no interest in actually doing anything with her and I seem to be managing to discuss my issues with her without bringing it up. If I were to tell her and she doesn't handle it well then I will just experience more shame.
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Poohbah
Member Since Jun 2019
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,093
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#8
Quote:
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 3,983
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#9
I developed strong feelings for one therapist. It was immediately labeled transference. This did not normalize anything. It was still warped and toxic. This kind of unrequited clinical love might be common in therapy, but that does not mean it's healthy or natural.
People often talk about the shame they feel in this situation, which says it all. Some clients are totally infatuated with the therapist, and meanwhile the therapist views the client with detachment and indifference, as one customer among many. There is an implied rejection and it's experienced over and over. It's a recipe for shame and humiliation. |
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koru_kiwi
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Poohbah
Member Since Jun 2019
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,093
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#10
Oh gosh, my therapist is as far from detached and indifferent as you can imagine. I know many Ts ARE like this, but mine certainly is not. She is really kind and accepting, and gives a lot of herself to the process. I think a lot depends on the therapeutic stance the T takes - mine is very much from a humanistic perspective. She hasn't actually used the term transference at all, I use it because it's something I've understood about myself before, with other people. I think my shame comes from childhood and how sexual stuff became associated with love and care. I do believe she would be fine with knowing how I feel. For some Ts it would make them uncomfortable I guess, depending on how much or little their own stuff is impacting on them.
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