Mutual attraction with therapist

About gift giving-
Some T’s accept gifts (I’ve learned) and some don’t.
I’m glad you didn’t give him the opportunity to refuse it.

Brought a gift to an outpatient Christmas gathering/party as part of this hospital’s aftercare program. I wanted to give it to the T I’d had as an inpatient.

He refused to accept the gift. I think he explained he didn’t accept gifts from clients. It was a gift I had put some thought into and I thought it would make him laugh. So I said, ‘ok, don’t accept the gift but would you open it?’ He said , ‘No.’

I was upset (being very new to therapy, never expecting this would happen). Then he said something like, ‘Just pretend I died.’ In front of everyone...at a Christmas gathering! I was pretty angry about it. Devastated.

Oh gosh, that's awful Precaryous, how insensitive and unkind. I'm shocked that a therapist could say such a thing.

That was an awful response from your T. I would have been devastated too.

Such a common narrative. Client arrives in therapy looking for help with some problems. Ends up in bizarre relationship quagmire with therapist and exits with new set of problems.

I had strong feelings for one therapist. I said so. The therapist claimed not to have any mutual feelings. Though some signs indicated otherwise. It was degrading and pointless and stupid to go thru this.

What good can come of this? If you reveal ANY sort of feelings for the therapist you are bound to get back something awful:
- reciprocal feelings, which cannot be acted upon
- unrequited feelings, likely to be humiliating possibly damaging, but which are supposed to be tolerated for purpose of "analyzing" the feelings
- ambiguity and evasion
- a bunch of psychobabble and a "diagnosis"

If it becomes intolerable, you run to a new therapist.. Perhaps the new therapist is a matronly type, and you fall into a surrogate mother fixation. Same dilemma... disclose this and face humiliation/rejection/weirdness, keep it a secret (healthy!), bail to yet another therapist. Repeat for next 10+ years.

Hello SoAn, I have to agree with your friends-I do not think this will be therapeutic for you. In fact, I think the opposite is true. I found myself in the same scenario you described. The therapist I was seeing told me that he had sexual and loving feelings for me, that if not for the fact that we were in therapy, he could see us in a relationship. I was in therapy due to struggles with PTSD, including depression, anxiety and suicidal ideation. When the discussion of our feelings became a topic, it was one of the most discussed subjects. His inability to deal with his described feelings for me became yet another problem for me to deal with. I won't go into all the details of what transpired but I will say that I agree with what BudFox said, in the above comment. Therapy is difficult enough without having romantic feelings a part of the mix as well.

I wish you all the best. Sending you hugs.

That's awful, I can hardly think of a less thoughtful way to respond, I'm so sorry about that.
And yes, fair point, perhaps he wouldn't even have accepted.

@BudFox and @CrimsonBlues : yes, makes sense. I still somewhere see how it is related to the issues I'm there for, then again, there is also the side you mention. No easy decisions here.

Sorry you went through that, CrimsonBlues. I assume you left this therapist? Hugs to you too.

Small update:

I e-mailed my therapist, explaining I decided not to return to therapy anymore, giving only a minor explanation of why I was leaving (simply that I had found the last session too uncomfortable), and thanking him for the sessions we have had.
He replied that he would find it a pity if we would end therapy like this, that he hoped I would reconsider my decision to terminate in this way, and whatever I decided, that he wished me the best and good luck with X Y Z. I thought that was a friendly and professional reply, and in a way was happy that he went against my decision (I had anticipated a shorter, businesslike response, just saying goodbye).

It's a couple of days later, and I have not made up my mind yet. I also don't like terminating like this, but I did not arrive at that decision on a whim, either. I will give it some time . Hugs to all of you, it's awesome to be able to share thoughts about this with you.

Big hugs. That can't have been easy.

Thank you, it helps hearing that. I just replied to this e-mail, saying that I want to stick to my decision. I really don't like this way of ending at all, and I wanted to write that to him, but that doesn't make sense to me to write if at the same time I am also still ending it (I feel like that would be rubbing it in his face how bad I felt after last session. I think that's clear enough by my decision anyway).

If we could have said goodbye in a session, there were quite some things I would have wanted to share with him which have been good for me during therapy with him. I experienced feeling accepted (and even liked) while also just having been snappy, which was a first for me. He also has a way of making me aware of the mechanisms in my mind in a mildly ironic way, which was nice, safe, and fun. In some of those moments, I felt most connected to him, because I felt like he saw through me, but also brought up the issue in a way that I felt good about. And all the times that we laughed because we had a good time for a large part of the sessions. We did have a good chemistry in a way. It is sad that we cannot keep working on what we have worked on and built on in the past year. I am going to miss his focused gaze when he was concentrated on listening or talking. I am also going to miss the sweet gaze of sometimes. I am going to think about his chuckle a few more times.

Yep
What was my ultimate fantasy turned into a real life nightmare that I am still suffering from 10 years later .

That really sucks, and I hope that something will help you be able to move on more. Thank you for commenting, comments like yours are really helping me to rid myself (slooowly ) of my own fantasies and see the situation more realistically. (I don't think he would ever have acted on anything, but still).