Mutual attraction with therapist

short background info: i have romantic/erotic feelings for T, and T has said he felt attracted to me and would have liked to get to know me better had we met outside of the therapy context. (he told me this a few months ago).

last session, i talked about my fantasies about him, and we talked about what they meant, what i needed (emotionally) from him. however, at some point i got physically aroused (breathing especially, hope he didn't notice, but i am not sure) (also - perhaps i would like him to have noticed) (it felt good) (even though I know that is not what I am there for - perhaps I am also wondering whether i am using therapy the wrong way now, but i thought it would also be good to talk about my fantasies about him).

i don't know about him, but i saw him look down at his groin quickly at some point. i quickly glanced away. it got me thinking though, perhaps he was also feeling the sexual tension.

when i talk about this to friends (even without the groin detail), who are also in therapy, they doubt whether this relationship will be therapeutic for me.

i don't know what to make of it. have others experienced mutually acknowledged attraction, and wondered if both they and their T felt sexual tension at the same time, and what do you do - talking about my own arousal is one hurdle, but asking HIM if HE was aroused is another level. not really sure how to properly handle this, i like it a lot but don't know how helpful it will be to me therapy-wise

I had a similar experience with a therapist and it turned into some very scary, very long term exploitation. While it was in some ways exhilarating to learn that my therapist shared my feelings of attraction, it turned into something quite torturous and painful. I think it's worth taking a serious look at whether this is helping you with the issues you entered therapy to address or if it's just causing you more distress. I wish you the best.

I don't think that looking down in the direction of his lap likely has anything to do with sexual arousal.

I don't understand why he thought it would be helpful to tell you that he is attracted to you. Saying he would have been interested in getting to know you better in other circumstances may or may not have been helpful, but I don't see the point in talking about attraction. Did he actually say he was attracted or is that what you were thinking based on the get to know you better comment? Just wondering. I would be more concerned if he out and out said he is attracted to you - the other comment does not necessarily imply romantic attraction (though obviously it can).

Red flags to me...

@susannahsays : when a few months ealier, i had talked about my attraction to him, he later told me (literally) that he found me an attractive woman, and that he would have wanted to get to know me better if we had met in a different context (because we do have some chemistry in terms of humour etc).
When I asked him if that meant he wanted to do the same things as I did (I had said something about wanting to kiss him), he said: 'Well, I just said I found you an attractive woman, so.' (or something similar).

Perhaps he said so because one of my issues is that with men, things always turn sexual, and I had the conviction/feeling that they cannot really be be interested in a non-sexual manner. Also I have have often been treated disrespectfully by the men I was interested in. Perhaps he told me to show that a man can also be attracted to me, yet still also be actually interested in me as a person, AND treat me respectfully without crossing my boundaries. When I asked him why he had told me, he said it wouldn't be fair if he had NOT told me. He is under supervision and it was decided in supervision that he would tell me.

@CoffeeFan : thank you, and I'm very sorry to hear that. While at the moment I cannot imagine him exploiting me in any way, it is good to keep in mind what you said (I suppose you also had not expected that in the beginning). I will be talking to his supervisor next week, where I can also ask some questions and get good answers hopefully.

Sounds like it might be a good time to think about what your goals are in therapy and whether you are currently making progress on them, or how this therapist is helping you to make progress. If the attraction is helping you to break an old pattern of relating to men, then that might be worthwhile. But it sounds like this could lead somewhere painful.

It's good he has supervision. I'm surprised you have access to his supervisor, though. My T has one and I have no idea who it is.

That is all kind of concerning, SoAn. I am really surprised that he and his supervisor made that decision, especially given your history of sexualized relationships with men.

@Salmon77 : thank you for your reply. when you say this could lead somewhere painful, what do you mean? do you mean in terms of something physical happening, or more in terms of me getting confused and being disappointed at some point?

it is a small psychotherapy practice, and my own T offered I could talk to his supervisor (who did my intake) after he had told me about his attraction, if that would make me feel better about/more trustful of the situation.

about whether this might help me work through issues with men: yes, that is probably the main question i need to ask myself, thank you for reminding me of that. I will give it a good think.

That may be true, but there are other ways to address your issues with men without him crossing that boundary. It does seem inappropriate, and he may have regretted it just as soon as it came out of his mouth which may be why he is open to you speaking to his supervisor about it. However, if he, on the other hand, thinks it is perfectly appropriate to express such things to a client, that seems like a red flag that should be considered when deciding if staying in therapy with this therapist is a good idea.

Personally, I have never had a therapist say or do anything remotely inappropriate that would have made me think I needed to speak to a supervisor about. If I did, I would have been out of there in an instant. Don't stay with a therapist that feels at all inappropriate; the stakes are too high.

that makes a lot of sense now that you put it that way.

or perhaps he wants to explore what my response to that is...
but then again, yes, perhaps that is doable without having it all happen in the therapy room and in our relationship.

thank you for the warning, that makes sense, maybe I should already be more careful.

He doesn't need to insert himself into the equation and act out some sort of thing with you in order to explore anything. You aren't a guinea pig to be manipulated to see what your response will be, and never mind if his actions prove harmful. That is completely irresponsible and careless. It is not therapeutic for your therapist to knowingly initiate and engage in some sort of reenactment with you - if that is what he is doing.

Hi, SoAn: I sent you a pm,did you receive it? My t "sexualized" our relationship.

Sorry you're struggling with this. I've had mostly... all?... female (and short-term ) t's, and I was glad of that. And, past my thirties, I'd have avoided a male one; I'd definitely have sexualised things.

So I completely understand.

It's not your fault.

I'm worried that you might be walking into the agonies of unrequited love here.

Others here have had the opposite, but equally crushing, experience of being sexually and emotionally used by a therapist.

So awful!

Think of it this way. Would a medical doctor who you have to undress in front, be examined by etc ever ever ever for even a millisecond see you in that way?

Why are you talking to his supervisor? Is he under disciplinary action or is he still just a student?

I see the OP lives in Europe. In the Uk at least, supervision is an ongoing requirement for ALL therapists, at any stage of practicing. It is meant to protect therapist and client but obviously supervisors can be just as flawed! Usually, two heads are better than one.

It is never a good idea for a t to admit attraction to a client; it brings up confusion; everything a t says is supposed to be for the benefit of the client.

Thank you Nicole, I will message you back

Thank you, yes, that perspective also makes sense to me. I do not think I am in love with him, or infatuated, but I do think about him a lot, and imagine doing couply things together such as watching TV. I don't feel like I am smitten with him, but I do sense a lot of sexual tension (on my part) during the conversation, today as well.
At some point, I think in the beginning of the session, he decided to close the blinds a little bit, because the sun was very bright. To pull the strings of the blinds, he walked up to my side of the room next to my chair. He was standing so close, not in an objectively inappropriate way at all, but that was so exciting to me.

Tomorrow morning, I will meet his supervisor (he is under supervision as he is still learning, or perhaps it's common for all therapists, but it's not because of anything out of order).