In love with T

I honestly feel that I am. T is female and straight, I am female and straight, yet I find her so attractive and I'm so jealous that she has a new guy on the scene. I don't know how to handle this. T knows that I have strong feelings about her, we have talked a little about it, but I've shied away from too much because I know that T sees love as coming in all forms and doesn't necessarily mean romantic or sexual love. She accepts how I feel. But I don't know whether to tell her that I'm jealous of this guy. I don't even know whether I'd actually want to be with her in that way, if it were possible, which it isn't (T is very ethical).

I'm trying to work on my life/issues and find ways to be fulfilled that aren't just around T. But it's hard because I honestly feel in love with her. I don't think it can all be explained by childlike feelings towards a mother figure. Some of my feelings are very adult. I find her very attractive. I haven't had gay tendencies outside of this relationship apart from one person on Tv (which probably doesn't count).

It's just so hard.

Im sorry this is so hard. I wish I knew what to say, I relate 100% to this, especially the part where you say you want to find ways to be fulfilled that don’t just revolve around her. I also think I’m in love with my T and I’m finding it very hard not to put him right in the centre of everything that is important/interesting/fulfilling in my life. It’s a tough situation to navigate, but just wanted to say you’re not alone in feeling this way.

I've had similar feelings in the past for a former T, so I understand how painful it can be. But I've been told that maternal or paternal feelings (like for a T) can also show themselves in more of a romantic/sexual way once you're an adult, if that makes any sense. Because we're not children anymore and have adult desires, the brain just interprets them differently.

As for feeling jealous of the new guy, it could be that you're just generally jealous of the attention she'd be paying him. Rather than something necessarily sexual/romantic. But then maybe they *are* actually romantic/in love feelings.

I'm not sure if this will help at all, but remember that how your T is toward you, in session, is not how she is to others in her outside life all the time, including her new partner. In a therapy session, the therapist is focused solely on the client and their needs for that period of time. In an outside relationship, it would also be about the therapist's wants and needs. She will have bad moods, likely want alone time, say the wrong thing, snap at the other person (whether partner, friend, family), etc. She may not feel like hearing about her partner's day.

I remember once when the T I had (both romantic and paternal) feelings for said that at various times, he'd been furious with his wife and kids and yelled at them. I had trouble reconciling that with the gentle, caring person I saw in session each week. (And then at one point, when I apparently pushed a button, I did see that side--and it was very jarring and painful).

Again, I'm not sure if that's helpful at all. Perhaps your T is gentle and caring (or however you'd describe her) with everyone in her life pretty much all the time. But your relationship with her is special and unique--it's different from how her partner knows her.

As for what to tell her, I'd maybe just say that you're struggling with attachment to her (or whatever term you want to use), without making it about the guy. And then see where that goes?

Thank you so much for replying. Feeling so deeply about a T and feeling as though you have to focus on other people/things is so painful isn't it My T is very much in the centre of everything and no one else really matches up, that's the problem. I'm so glad I'm not alone with it.

Thank you Lonesome that is so helpful. Yes I read that about the adult brain interpreting childlike feelings differently. And I do think there is something in that for me. I had a dream once where I was going to have sex with T but in the end we cuddled like a mother and child. There IS that element there, I'm totally sure, but I don't think it's just that.

I think I am jealous of the attention she's giving this guy because I'm scared I will lose out as a result. But as above, I also think I am genuinely attracted to her.

It is a very good reminder that T is different with me because it isn't about her needs and in other relationships she might have moods etc. That is something I'm trying to remind myself about. I have seen her being less than perfect (!) a number of times and end up feeling frustrated, so I know it would probably feel different if our relationship was different. She is a very open person and I know she is pretty much the same with everyone she's with in terms of her personality etc, but it is definitely important for me to remember that it won't be exactly like it is with me due to the nature of therapy.

I need to find some way of talking about it especially as its impossible to hide much from T. She will know something is wrong.

All of our feelings are valid....not right or wrong, they simply are. I fell in love with my t and we talked about it a lot......Unfortunately, he led me on.....long story. We are attracted to both men and women. I had a woman t, and deeply admired and loved her.

Thank you so much. I'm very fortunate that my T has never made me feel there's anything wrong with my feelings or that I shouldn't be having them, but I'm so confused about what they are. I suspect there probably is a lot of things mixed in. I also deeply admire and love my T. I've never felt like this about any previous T even though I was very attached to two of them. This level of attraction is unique to current T.

I told T how I'm feeling in writing. I haven't seen her in person to discuss it yet but she isn't upset and said everything is okay. The problem is, I really do feel awful. This level of awful is unbearable.

It’s very brave that you told her this! I think it will be good to discuss it in person and I really hope it puts your mind at ease a little. I don’t think you have a reason to feel bad…feelings are feelings, we don’t have control over them. It’s far healthier to bring up stuff like this than to hide it, it shows you have a strong relationship with your T and you’re able to discuss difficult things.