I feel consumed by these feelings

Hi, I'm in need of some advice. I've been going to therapy for about a year now and I've been seeing the same therapist for that time. I started therapy due to issues in my marriage and feelings of depression and low self esteem. My therapist and I get on very well and I feel that he does his job well. The only thing I'm struggling with is over the past few months I have began developing feelings for him. This is extremely awkward for me because he is married and over 20 years older than me. I try extremely hard to control these feelings and every time I feel I'm doing a good job of it he says or does something that pulls me straight back into this horrible place.
He constantly repeats that I am attractive and I wouldn't find it difficult to find someone else (when talking about my relationship issues) even though I have made it clear I want to work on my marriage.
He has told me before that if he wasn't my T he would be pouring me a drink and trying to get me intoxicated (not sure what was meant by that comment)
He also signs off all email communications to me with an 'x' even though I don't return the sentiment.
The point I'm trying to make is that I'm not sure if my T is just messing with my head or if this is genuine transference on my behalf. These feelings are really causing so much frustration and pain for me now I just need this to go away and be resolved.
Thoughts please

First, it's very common to have these feelings for a therapist. I've been there in the past, also while married--it was particularly complicated because it was for our marriage counselor! And it's what initially led me to join this site. (I'm still married, incidentally!)

It could be transference, where you're idealizing him in some way. And it's not so much about him as a person, but the role he plays for you. Like if he pays close attention to you and expresses care, where maybe your spouse does not. Or it could be genuine feelings for him, where maybe you just seem very compatible--it can be very difficult to say, and it could be some mix of both.

However: From what you describe, I'm concerned, not for what you're feeling, which is normal, but because your therapist seems to be leading you on. His saying that you're attractive. His saying what he would do if he wasn't your T--saying he'd want to get you drunk sounds very inappropriate to me. Signing with the x--is he British, by any chance? I think that's a common way of signing correspondence there, but I believe it signifies a kiss and is a more familiar way of signing (I've had British friends sign off that way to me before). So doesn't seem that appropriate in this case.

But really what's most concerning to me is the drinking comment. It sounds to me like he's messing with your head and/or actually flirting with you (which could also mess with your head!). A T can be accepting of transference (and/or attraction and/or romantic feelings) while still holding boundaries and not encouraging them.

Things ended up rather messy with my former marriage counselor because he was very inconsistent with boundaries (like, he'd talk to me on the phone for a half hour for free, would tease me, etc.--and he knew of my transference). Nothing physical ever happened (and I don't think it ever would have), but I ended up very hurt emotionally when he suddenly decided to throw up strong boundaries after I said I loved him (and I even had said it before, and it was fine).

My concern for you here is that your therapist is not holding good boundaries and that you could end up getting very hurt. I would honestly consider looking for a new therapist, even though I'm sure it would be very painful to leave this one. Or to at least consult with another one for a couple sessions (you can do this without sharing your therapist's name with them--I've done this before when consulting about a different sort of conflict with my current individual therapist). Feel free to PM me if you want to discuss it more.

Thank you for your detailed reply! I do feel that I am going through some kind of transference that is being made worse by the comments that he makes. He first started by signing off emails with a kiss which I didn't think too much of and that transitioned to texting with 2 kisses between sessions, although we still only discuss relevant topics over email and text. I don't think the attractive comments mean anything more than him trying to boost my self esteem given why I started therapy in thr first place and I do think if he was aware of my feelings he would maybe stop the comments. The drinking comment was made when I was very upset during one of our sessions and I was crying, he said "if I wasn't your therapist I'd be pouring you a drink right now, but I think If I wasn't your T I'd also want to get you drunk" This comment came out of nowhere and shocked me because it seemed so inappropriate in that moment even if he was just joking.
He has also mentioned to me before that I am one of his favourite clients because he enjoys our sessions so much.
One part of me feels like I'm being unfair on him and the fact that he is only human and should be allowed to make comments without having them scrutinised. Another part of me hates the situation I have found myself in where I don't feel I can end the therapy but staying sometimes feels like torture. I think the only way through would be to speak to him about how I feel.
Thank you again for your reply.

He may be a human but this is still not OK. People being fallible humans isn't an excuse for wrong behaviour. If I were you, I wouldn't talk to him about the feelings, because he doesn't seem like a trustworthy therapist at all.

I think the hurt is already happening, unfortunately.

You had a great post in another thread here, about examples of actually good professional boundaries, even though this was another case, with another inappropriate and dangerous therapist, I hope you don't mind if I copypaste them here for illustrations that might help OP.

"You say that it's your fault for asking him sexual questions when you're manic, but the burden of that shouldn't be on you. You should be able to ask him whatever you want to. The burden and responsibility is on him to uphold the boundaries of the relationship. If you ask him if you have an attractive body, his answer should be more along the lines of "It doesn't matter what I think of your body" or "Why is it important for you to know how I feel about your body?" Not "I think your body is attractive." He certainly shouldn't tell you that he's felt "tempted." It's like he's leading you on."

As a 'therapist' (I couldn't call him that in my initial post because he does not behave like one) he ought to be mindful of the comments he makes. Why? It has an impact on clients. This human behaves like a lustful male *not* like an ethical, boundaried, therapist. Again, I would run away from him.

I think it’s unprofessional, objectifying and borderline abusive.

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I do not think he sounds like a trustworthy therapist.

The comment about trying to get you drunk is horrifying. If someone, anyone, said that to me, I'd interpret it as them thinking alcohol is a good way to secure sex when someone would otherwise say no. That's at best disgusting and creepy and at worst sounds like he thinks talking about rape is sexy. What the ever loving ****?

Your T is taking advantage of your romantic transference (which isn’t your fault, or choice to feel) and has admitted he wants to make you vulnerable (the comments about getting you drunk really stood out to me - it’s not that you should never be vulnerable in a T’s presence, of course, but T’s therapy space should be safe for you to be vulnerable in!)
I hope you got a new T or are considering it. This guy sounds dangerous and needs to be reported.

I mean I want to add more on this. What do we even mean by scrutiny?! Did he tell you that about it feeling like his comments are being scrutinised if you don't like whatever outrageous thing he's saying?! Or who told you that? That's gaslighting. Gaslighting about intent behind what's being said and how what's said or done comes across.

I bet he also manipulated you to make you feel like you can't end the therapy.

I hope you've got rid of this therapist since then!! Again, he should be reported to the authorities.

First, having romantic transference toward your T is common..it is not right or wrong..they are just feelings that come up for you. If he has romantic countertransference toward you, he needs to take that out of your therapy session and work on his issues on his own time. You aren’t paying for that.

You should feel absolutely free to scrutinize the therapist’s comments and actions. He is supposed to have your best interests at heart. He is also responsible for maintaining appropriate boundaries. You are entitled to having your own boundaries for him, too.

His comments about pouring you a drink and getting you drunk if he wasn’t your T …are over the line..
He is doing and saying things that make you uncomfortable. You are within your rights to tell him that these comments need to stop. He should stop them.