Therapist I fell deeply in love with moved across the country and now I'm distraught

FellowBlueberry

I was in an intensive therapeutic program from the time I was 16-18. I connected too well with the therapist I had in that program, and in short, fell deeply in love with him. We ended our therapeutic relationship about a year and a half ago because I aged out of the youth program. I held onto hope that we could always rekindle things. Maybe I deluded myself, but I felt like he cared about me genuinely. I was hoping that I could start seeing him again if he ever worked somewhere else, or that I would at least run into him in the community once in a while (I had once before).

However, those hopes have been crushed, because I just found out he moved from California to Indiana, basically across the country. I will be honest, I'm guilty of internet stalking him. I would look on his FaceBook from time to time, but I didn't see anything on there about him moving. It wasn't until I looked up his license and saw that it expired in California almost a year ago. I thought it was weird that he would let it expire, he was fresh out of college and still working on getting his required hours to work in private practice.

I didn't want to believe it, but I wondered if it was possible that he moved out of state and that's why he wasn't licensed here anymore. Googling his name, I was able to find his info on White Pages, where his most recent address in Indiana popped up. I looked his name up on the license search for that state, and yep, a renewed license under his name showed up for the state of IN. I'm heartbroken, he's gone, across the country.

Luckily, I have an appointment with my new T on Tuesday which I badly need because honestly, I'm not okay. I haven't talked about my love for my old T before, but I think I'm going to have to confess it to my new T and start the process of healing. In one way, at least this kind of forces me to move on, because now I know I will never see him again, but it also hurts, SO BAD. I am obsessed, almost stalker-obsessed. I know that's not good, but it's the truth.

I think I'm going to take myself out for a self-care day today, maybe get some new clothes, because even though it sounds stupid, because in reality him moving has nothing to do with me, I am still so upset because I deeply love him.

If anyone has any nice words to say, I would appreciate it. It could help me cope while I wait to talk about this at my next session with new T. Please be kind, I know that my love/obsession is a problem, but I can't control my feelings.

If anyone else has a story about falling in love or becoming obsessed with your T, I would be interested in hearing it and how you started moving on. I know I can't be the only one who developed inappropriate feelings in a very vulnerable situation.

Stay well, my friends <3

ScarletPimpernel

I think it's really good that you're practicing self care!

I can relate to some of what you wrote here even though I've never been in love with a therapist. It's all been platonic, not romantic, love. But still very deeply attached.

I've also "looked up" Ts. I don't know whether or not I'd call it stalker-ish. There are some lines I don't cross. But just google searching them or looking at their social media...if that information is out there, I believe it's their responsibility to make it private.

Romantic love towards your T is quite normal. It makes sense when you think about the vulnerability that it takes to open up ourselves to another person the way we do in therapy. What's not normal is a T reciprocating the feelings. And if mutual feelings do exists, it's up to the T to manage the feelings themselves to remain ethical and do no harm to their clients.

It takes time to work through therapy trauma. Be patient with yourself as much as you can. I wasn't in love with my ex-T, and yet almost 8 years later, she still can haunt me.

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"Odium became your opium..." ~Epica

Lostislost

Someone told me once that you can't really love someone when you don't know them. Therapists do share some info about themselves, I have felt like I could love my T if only he would let me, but I get reminded that I'm just another client by his behaviour and I snap out of it. He doesn't want me, I know that. I also know I have no idea who he is outside of that room.

We never meet them as who they really are, outside of being a therapist. So we love the idea of them, but not the real them. I know it still really hurts though...I think the best place to start, apart from seeing another T, is to stop 'feeding the monster' and quit searching for him online. It will just drag it out and there's no point going through more grief. I hope the new T is helpful with all this well.

divine1966

It’s not unusual to feel this type of attachment

In reality of things you can call it attachment and perhaps infatuation but id not call it love. If you only knew him in therapy room and from what you see of him online, it’s not enough. You’ve no idea who he is irl. And age 16-18 is tricky. Many “in love” situations in that age felt like big meaningful things.

Try to move on to make connections with real life people and it’s an excellent idea to process it with a new t!

RTerroni

I had feelings for a former Therapist of mine and she later moved to another part of the country. I was very sad to find out that she moved as well.

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COVID-19 Survivor- 4/26/2022

smileygal

I don't know if I agree with this. I don't think you have to know all the 'facts' about someone to fall in love with them. By facts I mean their likes and dislikes. love is not based on that. We fall in love with people based on so many things we don't understand but often a big one is their values and their essence. We can get to know both of those things in therapy...Myself and my husband are very different people in soo many regards...If you put us down on paper would I fall in love with is likes, dislikes, hobbies etc...nope.. We are soo different.Do i love him for who he is at his essence. his values and his willingness to grow...yes....can we get a sense of that in therapy...absolutely...can we fall in love with that and our therapist...absolutely Yes...

smileygal

Oh Also, I'd like to add I think for many the 'obsession' part comes down to attachment needs. For many people therapy activates deep old attachment wounds..wounds that many have spent years figuring out ways of navigating, avoiding or hiding successfully...It opens them., exposes them but doesn't actually fulfil many of the longings many have spent years masking....giving many of those with deep attachment wounding a feeling of preoccupation or obsession....Obsession has such negative connotations associated with it but really I think many therapies and therapists indirectly cultivate it by missing so much of this.