[nothemama8]

I have been lucky enough to have 2 aides come to help me , most of the time B......... is the best aide in the world, , M........ is abit lazy but always here for us, problem lately B......... has been asking me for cigarettes, food for her kids, to do laundry, and when out of money a few bucks here and there, she gets paid from my state account just like M........ . Need prayers on what to do if I report this it is considered abuse and emotional extortion (sp) she needs the job but I need sanity help me friends what to do??????
Angie

[SeptemberMorn]

Angie, just tell her "No!" She knows that you have a limited income and she shouldn't be asking you for money. You have an alter that wouldn't have any problem telling her where to get off.

[(JD)]

I've had help in my home and have seen this pattern. Not all, but some do build up your trust in them and befriend you so they can ask for things later.

Sit down and talk with her, person to person. Tell her you think she's a good worker and appreciate her, but that you are not able to help her out with the things she asks for. You don't have to say you're sorry, there's no reason for it. She's put you in a situation that is uncomfortable, and she's relying upon your goodness to come through for her with the goods.

She'll find others to ask for those things, betcha! You aren't the first, and you won't be the last.

[Hunny]

Praying for saftey, the right words and for the best outcome.

Hunny

[(JD)]

Angie, remember she is YOUR employee, you are her employer (say BOSS.) Would you ask those things of any of your bosses?????

[Elysium]

wait.....

wait.....it's coming.....

wait for it.....

Whoa....here it comes.....


I AGREE WITH SKY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG Someone must have just divided by zero!!! LOL!!

Seriously though...I agree with what Sky said....100%.

Who knew?

[phoenix7]

I agree wiht everyone - let this person know that you are not in a position to help them and if they dont listen then ask for them to be changed if you can - you do not deserve to be treated in this way

take care P7

[KathyM]

nothemama

Do you employ her directly or does she work for a company/agency? If she works for you directly, maybe you can explain to her you can't afford to give her bonuses and benefits. Encourage her to look for work elsewhere.

If she works for a company or agency, you could call her employer and tell them she's overstepping her boundaries as an employee and making you feel uncomfortable.

I hope you'll be able to come to a peaceful resolution to this problem.

[eskielover]

Angie,

I don't know if you remember when I came here to PC5 years ago, I was dealing with the home care person who stole my Mothers ID & all the valuable jewelry along with other bad things. Luckily it was only 5 days, (who knows how much more damage she could have done if I hadn't caught her) but it was 5 days of complete terror. I am sure the person's motive in my case was evil to start with, not just simply asking for money like your situation, but who knows what B......... might do if her need for money gets greater.....also the fact that if things & money come easy from you, her asking will only grow to be more as she continues to push to see how much more you will freely give. For people who find it easy to ask for things & money, the problem usually only grows & who knows what it will grow into.....you definitely don't want to enable that.

I know how impossible it was for me to ask for help when I had my financial problems last spring with my electric bill. I also know that there are places in the community where you can go for help when you are in need especially with food.....money has a limit & she may well have already reached the limit of help they are willing to give her if she bothered to go there for help in the first place. If she has been too embarrassed to go to places like that for help, then she needs to direct herself there for the help she needs & not to you as it is wrong. If she has already used up the help they are willing to give, then she has a deeper problem that needs to be addressed. She needs to learn responsible budgeting with the money she has available & to find the place where she can get the rest in an appropriate way. Anyone who is in need of money & is not willing to give up smoking (which is just burning up money) when her children are in need of food or she needs to do laundry......does have a problem even if her smoking is an addiction.....sometimes we just have to do things for the well being of our family whether we like it or not. (so much for my part of the message)

How I would approach the situation is that I would sit down with her & tell her that she should know it's wrong to ask you for money in her position with you as you know they made it clear when she took a position like that (this is a very important point to let her know as this makes it clear to her the seriousness of what she is doing & also puts you in control of the situation). If she doesn't happen to remember, I would remind her that legally, it is considered to be abuse & emotional extortion given the position she holds with you. I would remind her that if you were to report what she is doing that it would destroy her chance of ever working in a position like this again. I would add, that you are sure that she really wouldn't be doing that to herself if she would really stop & think about what she is doing.(this gives her back a little positive feeling in herself in that you trust that basically she is good & wouldn't be doing something wrong if she had really stopped to think that what she was doing was actually wrong) I would tell her reporting her really isn't something you want to do ether. (my first thought was to let her go, but I thought she would just turn around & try it with the next person sooooo.....)
I would then tell her that you would love to give her a second chance to prove herself as you really think she is the best aide in the world & that you would love to have her stay as long as the asking for things stops immediately....otherwise you will be forced to report her. If she chooses to stay, then you know she is a well intentioned aide & it's a good way to keep check on her & she will be less likely to do it to others when she is reminded of how seriously wrong it is. Otherwise, if her intentions were to be the best aide to get you to like her, get you dependent on her good work so you feel there is no one better, then get you to feel sorry for her & she finds that her free ride has ended, then she will probably leave on her own. If that happens, you might say that you understand that she might be embarrassed by the situation & sometimes we end up in rough spots in our life that we have to work through & you are more than willing to work through it & put it in the past if she is willing also (sort of giving her a second, second chance) If she still decides to leave, I would mention to the people in charge of placing her that you are concerned about her situation in that it seems she is having financial difficulties & that she may need help in finding needed assistance beyond just her work placement, as you don't want her going out & doing this to every home she is placed in.

It's important to give her enough dignity throughout the whole conversation so that unless she gives you complete cause to believe it was her intention to do this in the first place, she will realize that you are being kind & compassionate to her & really helping her more than trying to hurt her. I would definitely not go into it with an apologetic attitude either as it is a serious wrong thing she is doing & needs to be pointed out....she is the one that needs to be sorry.

Will pray that you find the strength to confront the situation, the right time & the right words.

Debbie

[KathyM]

eskielover

[nowheretorun]

Originally Posted by nothemama8

I have been lucky enough to have 2 aides come to help me , most of the time B......... is the best aide in the world, , M........ is abit lazy but always here for us, problem lately B......... has been asking me for cigarettes, food for her kids, to do laundry, and when out of money a few bucks here and there, she gets paid from my state account just like M........ . Need prayers on what to do if I report this it is considered abuse and emotional extortion (sp) she needs the job but I need sanity help me friends what to do??????
Angie

(((mama)))) this reminds me a little of an experience i had a few years back with a homeless friend... he had been out on the street several years by the time i met him and he had learned the ways of getting by... i was working at a store that had put a donation jar for kids causes up on the counter and one day while i was working in the back of the store he helped himself to all the money in the jar.. he was caught on tape and he couldnt deny it... at the same time i was letting him stay at my recently deceased grandmothers home until we could get it all cleaned up..

i told him that he was caught on tape and he admitted what he'd done without lying and so i explained to him he wasnt allowed in the store again and also he wouldnt be allowed back into the house... i hurt having to tell him this because i had compassion for his need

i told him i wasnt angry at him, that i understood he had felt driven to do the thing he'd done and he was very apologetic and promised me he would never repeat the act again.. i had a hard time trusting him after that tho and the friendship had changed permanently... (i saw him again a few years later and he was receiving the disability assistance he qualified for)

i am bringing this up because i believe that no one really wants to be a burden or manipulator of friendships/work relationships.. B probably has a real need for what she is asking for and times are probably very hard for her but i agree with the others, there is a better way for her to get the extra help she needs besides asking it from you... if you dont have it, you cant give it...

i hope you find a peaceable solution also.. sending in my prayers

[nothemama8]

Had a friendly talk with her, she turned everything around on me , she is very happy with the 525.00 every 2 weeks but sees no reason why she can't ask for advances (she never pays them back) she wants the other aides hours plus respite even though she doesn't work them, she said she sees no problem with this , doesn't think I'll report her.
Angie

[AAAAA]

I respectfully disagree with you nowheretorun, there are some people out there that make a career of taking advantage of the kindness of others. When I worked in the health care field we couldn't accept anything, not even a piece of hard candy or a stick of gum. The only exception was during the holidays a client or family member of the client could give gifts of candy or baked goods (or whatever they wished) BUT it had to be given to our boss to distribute.

By definition of the job, the people that require that service are in need of help and vulnerable in some way. I cannot even comprehend accepting a gift from a client let alone asking for something!

I recall one time doing a favor for a client on my own time. I knew her my whole life and transportation was not available until the next day to get her from the nursing home where she was rehabing to her home in my parent's home town. I told her that I would be happy to bring her home later that afternoon as I could visit my parents but I had to pick my kids up first.

My father was her life-line contact so he met us at her home to help her into the house and make sure her medic alert was set up etc. My twins were toddlers at the time and I felt VERY uncomfortable bringing them there. She was quite well off and offered me a handful of cash for the ride, stating that it would have cost her $300 for the medical transportation not to mention the fee for staying in the nursing home an additional day. I absolutely refused. Her home was jammed packed full of beautiful antiques and since I refused to accept payment for the ride she kept handing Hummel's and knick knacks to my kids "gifts from Grandma Mary" which I kept plucking from their hands and replacing. She complained to my father who replied "I raised her better than that Mary."

No matter how well B does her job, I would feel very uncomfortable with her unethical attitude. It really bothers me that there have been people before that have given her things because they felt obligated. I would not have her in my home caring for me or a loved one.

[phoenix7]

from her attitude when you were talking to her it does seem like she is a "taker" im sorry but i would do one of two things

1 sit again wiht her explain what you expect and dont expect

or

and i favour this one jmo - speak to the agency and see if she can be replaced

its hard but you have to look after you ok

take care and let us know how you get on

P7

[nowheretorun]

there are some people out there that make a career of taking advantage of the kindness of others.


ty and you have a valid POV on this A, i thought about it after and, well, guess i like thinking the best of others ..

it was worth a try mama.... looks like you need to go the legal route... its kinda funny, i see the laws as love in their own way on this, protecting us... still praying

[eskielover]

Originally Posted by nothemama8

Had a friendly talk with her, she turned everything around on me , she is very happy with the 525.00 every 2 weeks but sees no reason why she can't ask for advances (she never pays them back) she wants the other aides hours plus respite even though she doesn't work them, she said she sees no problem with this , doesn't think I'll report her.
Angie

Definitely not the kind of person I would allow working in my house....even with the rules she refuses to follow....

No choice but to report her & end all her chances of ever doing this to other people.....better to end her job than to allow her to destroy many other peoples lives.....seems definitely an important thing for you to do as people like her in society need to know in no uncertain terms that what she is doing is wrong.

I remember when I caught the home care person on the phone applying for a credit care with my Mother's ID as if she were my Mother & giving out her credit information, she came to me with a sob story about how her dog had been hit by a car & the vet had called her that night about having to put the dog down & how she was so distraught about it that she just wasn't thinking straight to get me to feel sorry for her......when that didn't work, the next day, she called the police & they came to the house, accusing ME of abusing my mother. It may start small, but when they continually get away with wrong & end up rewarded for doing wrong by getting away with it, the wrong only grows.

Make sure you stop it before she has a chance to really hurt someone.

Know you know the right thing to do especially given her attitude.
Debbie

[CJR520]

I would fire her and get someone else. This is all wrong and she knows it.

[phoenix7]

how are you going? what did you decide? i know this is hard for you - are you ok?

(((((((((notthemama8))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[billieJ]

This is considered extortion, a form of client ABUSE. You can remain anonymous if you call Adult Protective Services. In Texas, the # is 1-800-252-5400, so that 800 # should be nationwide. I'm not saying she wouldn't know it was you, but she must have other clients, and she is probably doing this to everyone who will go for it. billieJ

[nothemama8]

I have given her notice that I want my money back if she does not give it to me by Sat. 10/10/09 I will not sign her time sheet and have already reported this to my caseworker, Thanks to you all for your support and wise words
Angie

[eskielover]

I am so proud of you for taking care of this......sounds like you have handled this very well......glad all the wise words here helped reinforce what you knew was right in the first place.....that's the wonderful part of here at PC......great input for tough situations.

Good job,
Debbie

Originally Posted by nothemama8

I have given her notice that I want my money back if she does not give it to me by Sat. 10/10/09 I will not sign her time sheet and have already reported this to my caseworker, Thanks to you all for your support and wise words
Angie