Compassion and Idiot Compassion

Jan 14, 2010 at 07:32 AM

idiot compassion

Quote:

idiot compassion

Compassion and Idiot Compassion

student: I'm interested in the idea of idiot compassion that was in ken mcleod's book [wake up to your life]", and wishing compassion for someone who's doing harm to you or that you need to remove yourself from. How do you differentiate the feeling of compassion and the need to remove yourself from a damaging situation?

pema: idiot compassion is a great expression, which was actually coined by trungpa rinpoche. It refers to something we all do a lot of and call it compassion. In some ways, it's whats called enabling. it's the general tendency to give people what they want because you can't bear to see them suffering. Basically, you're not giving them what they need. You're trying to get away from your feeling of i can't bear to see them suffering. in other words, you're doing it for yourself. You're not really doing it for them.

When you get clear on this kind of thing, setting good boundaries and so forth, you know that if someone is violent, for instance, and is being violent towards you —to use that as the example— it's not the compassionate thing to keep allowing that to happen, allowing someone to keep being able to feed their violence and their aggression. So of course, they're going to freak out and be extremely upset. And it will be quite difficult for you to go through the process of actually leaving the situation. But that's the compassionate thing to do.

It's the compassionate thing to do for yourself, because you're part of that dynamic, and before you always stayed. So now you're going to do something frightening, groundless, and quite different. But it's the compassionate thing to do for yourself, rather than stay in a demeaning, destructive, abusive relationship.

And it's the most compassionate thing you can do for them too. They will certainly not thank you for it, and they will certainly not be glad. They'll go through a lot. But if there's any chance for them to wake up or start to work on their side of the problem, their abusive behavior or whatever it might be, that's the only chance, is for you to actually draw the line and get out of there.

We all know a lot of stories of people who had to hit that kind of bottom, where the people that they loved stopped giving them the wrong kind of compassion and just walked out. Then sometimes that wakes a person up and they start to do what they need to do.

Elysium · Jan 14, 2010 at 10:01 PM

Wow!!

That's awesome. I've been looking for a way to help my Mother understand exactly why I have pulled back from our relationship and set the boundaries I have set.

This feels like something I could send to her and maybe she might understand it.

My challenge is to send it knowing it will most likely not change her behavior and even if she gets it, she will probably choose not to put the knowledge/understanding to use, as it would not serve her well. It would take a lot of acknowledgment on her part...and I think that is probably just to scary/difficult for her to face.

But thanks for posting...it's great.

sanityseeker · Jan 17, 2010 at 01:44 AM

It's a lot easier said then done sometimes even if you know it is right. For may years I enable my mothers prescription drug abuse. Soon after I stopped she took her last over dose. It still haunts me to this day. Everyone told me I was doing her more harm then good. Hard to imagine that to be true given the consequences of my pulling away. I will admit that my compassion was self serving but it was also the only way I knew how at the time to care for her.

I just think the subject of compassion is complicated and if the compassion is enabling and one wants to stop the behaviour they better be ready for the consequences because some times they can be deadly. It is not for the faint of heart.

Elysium · Jan 17, 2010 at 04:44 AM

(((((SanitySeeker)))))

You're right....it is very complicated. It's still very difficult for me. I can hardly speak with my mother any more, and when we do speak...it is the same 4 questions. I've lost my entire family because they are all content in enabling and keeping the family unit dysfunctional. I'm the only one that seems to have been able to step away...but it hurts and it's the hardest thing I've ever done.

The consequences that you faced from making your choice to stop enabling your Mother were horrific. But her overdose and demise WAS NOT your fault, or your responsibility. Your Mother was sick, but she had choices to make. She made the decision to commit that final act. You merely stepped back out of her disease process in an effort to keep yourself healthy, but also to get yours and your Mother's relationship healthy.

I'm sorry that your Mother made that choice and was unable to see how much you cared for her.

(JD) · Jan 17, 2010 at 10:38 AM

Please bear with me as I share on this subject?

I think it's dangerous to begin using this term of "idiot compassion." The world has enough problems trying to figure out what compassion is, and how to show it without creating a new term for something that we in the field of psychology and similar sciences have identified as dysfunctional "enabling."

The term "idiot compassion" is part of a religious belief anyway. I personally think It would be much more appropriate and well within guidelines to use the psychological term of enabling (as members who have posted have identified) especially here at PC, don't you think?

I think this is a great topic, and one that most faiths deal with in some form or fashion.

I like the way someone wrote about compassion:
Compassion is one aspect of love.
Compassion may grow from feelings, but true compassion represents a practical attention to someone's needs.
It doesn't require us to feel: it requires us to act.

Sympathy says: I feel bad that you're hungry.
Empathy says: I know something about how you feel, I was hungry once.
Compassion says: Let's go get something to eat.

Enabling...enabling is a high-energy expression of love. It is positive when it supports recovery, and it is negative when it supports the disease.

Here are some examples of negative (dystonic or dysfunctional ) enabling...

Repeatedly bailing them out - of jail, financial problems, other "tight spots" they get themselves into
lying for them to employers, police, friends
Giving them "one more chance" - ...then another...and another
Ignoring the problem - because they get defensive when you bring it up or your hope that it will magically go away
Joining them in the behavior when you know they have a problem with it - Drinking, gambling, etc.,
Joining them in blaming others - for their own feelings, problems, and misfortunes
Accepting their justifications, excuses and rationalizations - "I'm destroying myself with alcohol because I'm depressed".
Avoiding problems - keeping the peace, believing a lack of conflict will help
Doing for them what they should be able to do for themselves -
Softening or removing the natural consequences of the problem behavior
Trying to "fix" them or their problem
Repeatedly coming to the "Rescue"

Trying to control them or their problem
( ref: from internet of the mind)

BUT enabling can also be a good thing, when it promotes positive (syntonic enabling) results.
Isn't that part of what Psych Central is about?

We are here -through words and pictures- giving support... trying to enable (positively) others to do what is good and in their best interest.

showing support for them as human beings with needs
reminding them of aspects of their lives that are good
helping them to embrace who they are in their own "skin"
helping them identify the real issue(s)
offering options of how they might find a solution to problems
sharing how we solved or worked through a similar situation
asking how they are and encouraging them to do good self care
help them realize nothing is "all their fault"
and when money is a main issue, we chip into the community fund

Perna · Jan 17, 2010 at 01:43 PM

Compassion is a feeling, like empathy, but which often prompts one to look for ways to help the other person. One of the hallmarks of compassion is understanding the other person's pain (as in, "Yes, I'd feel pain were I in that situation too as I've been in a similar position before."). I try to remember to look for what is causing the person's pain and remember I'm trying to "help" and not necessarily just make the pain go away (for me or the other person).

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