[Vibe]

(Note: for me spirituality =/= religion. I meditate but I don't 'pray' since I have no set concepts regarding deities. Thus this might be a bit different for me than it is for others. Trigger icon for slight mention of suicidal thoughts and what might be perceived as a negative spin on healing. *takes a deep breath and presses submit*)

I can't feel it anymore. I can't feel the things I used to. I've been doing better mentally, but at the same time I feel that I'm just conforming and becoming another drone of society with no depth, or life, or creativity. Can I be successful in life, healthy in mind, and keep my 'extra senses?' Or am I going to have to lose that extra side of life that I hold so dear, in order to live in this world? This source of joy and wonder and sometimes fear and frustration. Would you even want to be 'normal' if it meant losing pieces of yourself and dulling a sense to the point of nonexistence? Would you even be yourself in that case?

And then I have to delve into the horrible possibility that my spirituality is a symptom of mental illness. I developed a lot of my concept of spirituality according to what I experienced, and a lot of that occurred when I wasn't well. When I 'feel' more, lose control of my body, share my mind, sense things others don't, feel things others don't, etc. ... is it really spirituality or are these symptoms of a psychotic episode? And if it's the latter, does that mean I have to choose between them and getting healthy? I'm doing 'better' but I've been so closed off for so long and it's starting to drive me nuts. Ironically. In a way, I think I'd rather be dead than spend the rest of my life this way. At least then I'd be free... I think. Or maybe that's just my mind searching for the easy way out. I don't know.

I'm just so lost right now.

[Shank]

You are roughly describing what it means to be apathetic.

But yes, I think that everyone who ever felt or sensed special emotions or "vibes" (as I like to call them) in their life lose it at some point. This is probably because the mind eventually gets used to this feeling, so you don't even register it when it's there. Some days it seems worse than others. Meditation can help. Weed helps me, but I won't condole drug use of any kind to anybody but myself.

[Vibe]

Really? I thought being apathetic means not caring. And while I've been going through that in other aspects of my life, for this I care so deeply that I'm conflicted. I guess ambivalent? I'm not sure.

Yeah, it actually got worse when I hit a lot of trauma in my life. That's when I lost 90% of it. And I won't go down the road of drug use because I'm afraid it could make the dissociation worse... although maybe I need that in order to get it back? I can still feel it, but it's so far away and I can't reach nor do anything with the 'vibes.' *sighs* Nor reach those other parts of myself. It's like a pressure surrounding me that I can't break free of.

I miss myself.

(Oh, and thanks so much for responding. It's really nice of you, and it helped to know someone heard and cared. <3)

[Shank]

Originally Posted by Araya

Really? I thought being apathetic means not caring. And while I've been going through that in other aspects of my life, for this I care so deeply that I'm conflicted. I guess ambivalent? I'm not sure.

Yeah, it actually got worse when I hit a lot of trauma in my life. That's when I lost 90% of it. And I won't go down the road of drug use because I'm afraid it could make the dissociation worse... although maybe I need that in order to get it back? I can still feel it, but it's so far away and I can't reach nor do anything with the 'vibes.' *sighs* Nor reach those other parts of myself. It's like a pressure surrounding me that I can't break free of.

I miss myself.

Well, there's two parts to be apathy. Not feeling any real sense of emotion or feeling that you feel you should, and that usually leads to not caring.

Yeah, I won't tell you to do anything. But I can def. relate to what you're saying. I remember that indescribable feeling I used to get from doing things I enjoy. Like a natural state of euphoria. I miss it all the time, and it often leads to the rooting of many of my mental issues. I guess the present me can't get over I was. Which is weird, considering I remember how I couldn't wait to get older when I was younger.

[Vibe]

Yeah, I know what you mean by that. I got so much worse in that area - being spiritually connected. But I feel like I've hit a new low recently. Like when I feel good, all I am is an automaton performing the necessary tasks as mandated by the collective. I first started down this path so I wouldn't feel bad. But for the few months I was really functioning (despite the high anxiety that plagued me) I felt almost nothing. I accomplished, but I wasn't me. Everyone around me noticed too, and a few even commented that they didn't like how I was changing. It surprised me, since I figured I was putting so much less stress on them. But feeling it again to some degree (bad and spiritual), I see so much of what I'm losing too and that terrifies me. Not as much as the thoughts of suicide, but it still makes me scared.

[sunshine1status]

I don't know if you believe in the Bible but if you do there is a scripture that tells us not to walk by sight but to stand on the word of God. There are times like what you're going through right now where we don't "feel" the spiritual presence but it is still there. He promises never to leave nor forsake us.

[Typo]

((((((((((((Araya)))))))))))))

I don't have any advice over the topic right now, but I wanted to stop by and leave my support for you and let you know you are heard. I hope you find the answers you seek.

Peace and Serenity
Typo

[FooZe]

I don't have time for a longer answer right now so I'll give you the short version:

For me, spirituality isn't a "thing" that you can find or lose. You can only experience it differently at different times in your life, or get so preoccupied with other stuff that you have no room for it. Chasing after spiritual experiences in order to prove something to yourself is a pretty sure way of making yourself oblivious to spirituality. As far as I can tell, there's little or no connection between spirituality and psychosis. Being in a psychotic state could prove quite distracting from spiritual pursuits or, on the other hand, could attract someone to them, but that wouldn't mean the spirituality was a product of the psychosis or vice versa.

I'm sorry if this reads like Sanskrit. I may or may not be able to come up with an English version later.

[Vibe]

sunshine1status - No, I'm not religious in any way, but I can kind of translate that to my own beliefs. Thank you! It just feels like that 'world' is out there but I've become blinded to it. That I'm numbed to the point where I can hardly touch it. And I'm becoming so focused on the outside world that I'm truly becoming spiritually dead.

(((((Typo))))) - Thanks so much for the emotional support. It means a lot!

Fool Zero - You make perfect sense to me. Thank you. I suppose that's part of my dilemma. My family has a history of psychotic depression, and I sometimes reevaluate all the things I've been through and wonder if they grew out of the acute depression I was facing. I also wonder if mental instability can open you up spiritually, though? Since I've seen signs of that as well - especially in my own family. I dunno. It's all so confusing. Some days I look at it one way and some days another. But when I get too far from the more everyday aspects of my spiritual self, I really feel I'm losing something and it scares me.

You are definitely right about that part, though - chasing it doesn't work anymore. I used to feel the world was open to me in that way. That I could simply try at something and make it work. Now it's like closing my fist around a handful of sand and watching it slip away faster. This frantic mindset is likely making it worse, so thanks a bunch for pointing that out.

I've actually been working with a friend of mine and she's been helping quite a bit. She doesn't think that the spiritual side of myself and my emotional problems have much to do with each other; but since they were both such major parts of my being for some time, that I began having experiences with one when I worked on the other. (Sorry if that doesn't make any sense.) So we've been working on engaging in spiritual pursuits in a positive state of mind. It's been ... slow going but I think effective. I have to wonder if I used my excesses of energy and altered states of consciousness to take shortcuts. Which would explain why I attribute one aspect of myself to the other.

Sorry, now that I'm calmer I feel like I wasted everyone's time. Sometimes it just becomes overwhelming and I panic. Or I make connections that aren't necessarily the case. I think I'll contact my friend again and see if she'll do some more work with me. Thank you for the clear minded insight. I really needed it. <3

[lilly02]

Originally Posted by Araya

(Note: for me spirituality =/= religion. I meditate but I don't 'pray' since I have no set concepts regarding deities. Thus this might be a bit different for me than it is for others. Trigger icon for slight mention of suicidal thoughts and what might be perceived as a negative spin on healing. *takes a deep breath and presses submit*)

I can't feel it anymore. I can't feel the things I used to. I've been doing better mentally, but at the same time I feel that I'm just conforming and becoming another drone of society with no depth, or life, or creativity. Can I be successful in life, healthy in mind, and keep my 'extra senses?' Or am I going to have to lose that extra side of life that I hold so dear, in order to live in this world? This source of joy and wonder and sometimes fear and frustration. Would you even want to be 'normal' if it meant losing pieces of yourself and dulling a sense to the point of nonexistence? Would you even be yourself in that case?

And then I have to delve into the horrible possibility that my spirituality is a symptom of mental illness. I developed a lot of my concept of spirituality according to what I experienced, and a lot of that occurred when I wasn't well. When I 'feel' more, lose control of my body, share my mind, sense things others don't, feel things others don't, etc. ... is it really spirituality or are these symptoms of a psychotic episode? And if it's the latter, does that mean I have to choose between them and getting healthy? I'm doing 'better' but I've been so closed off for so long and it's starting to drive me nuts. Ironically. In a way, I think I'd rather be dead than spend the rest of my life this way. At least then I'd be free... I think. Or maybe that's just my mind searching for the easy way out. I don't know.

I'm just so lost right now.

you are a child of the living god who somewhere in time created nature-look at nature and soak in the energy and realize this is god and he is ever present in you..put the pen and the appointments down-your expression of confusions is so painful just to read-go look at a rose-iot means love smell it tpouch it look at it then imagine thats you-god took that time with you and the more you do this the more stable you will beocme-and go to yougr god-not everyone else-there are seasons and in this getsemene-God wants to show you a better way so open yopur spirt to that beauty by soaking up nature and realizing we tto are part of what god created and when you learn look out youll be dancing agan...lilly02

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by Araya

Sorry, now that I'm calmer I feel like I wasted everyone's time. Sometimes it just becomes overwhelming and I panic. Or I make connections that aren't necessarily the case.

Like heck you wasted our time! Thanks for sparking a very interesting discussion. If you wanted to continue it, I wouldn't mind a bit.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

*trigger?*

Araya,

Experiencing that loss is something that most sensitives go through. Not to make them suffer not to make them feel less than who they are but to give them the experience that millions of others feel every day of their lives so that they know without expemption total compassion for others who feel lost and agitated and are trying to re-establish themselves in their spiritual life.

I don't know how long you have been suffering this feeling, but I know it will recede and you will re-establish your spiritual strengths and really appreciate your connections to spirit.

We are powerful spiritual beings making our way through a physical experience and we all will have hiatus' and take byways from time to time. The important thing to do is to allow the experience to take place without damaging us if possible.

I just wanted to let you know along with the others that you have support and there are those who have your back,

Thinking of you,

Rhi

[Vibe]

Thank you so much for the offer, Zero. I'm honestly not very stable right now (especially in that area) and I don't want to trigger anyone, but I might take you up on it someday.

It got really bad years ago, Rhiannon; but recently I've hit a new low. I think part of it has to do with the things I'm feeling now though, plus my qualms about getting treatment. I'm so confused right now. I think I'll try gentle reestablishing of some of my spiritual strengths though. Maybe that slight pick-me-up will give me some of the help I need. Ya know, self assuredness and ability to go on better and healthier.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

As long as you know that there are people here who care about you and are ready to help if they can...

Loving thoughts,

Rhia

Spirituality is not Religion. Our Modern World is a lonely World. I offten sit in the Desert alone with the Hummingbirds and Allagator Lizards on my Vision Quest. If find my Spirituality within my deep Spiritual connection in Nature. If you sit quietly those spirits will come right up to you.

Within you is a Spirit. Your Spirit is very Strong and Beautiful. Your Spirit is Very Real. Some things people say are not real. Know yourself and all that power and beauty that is within you. For that is very Real.

Sincerely;

MountainLion

Wishing you the best, Araya.

[phoenix7]

the more you reach and grasp for somthing - the more it slips through your fingers - for my spirituality is being cinnected to the universe - trusting my instincts that were given to me to help me survive

I dont knowanything about faith.. or believing in god - i believe in the power of good and the power of evil and you can call it what you want - i dont htinnk you can lose that - somtimes its misplaced - other things tumble in and take over our lives and we have to deal wiht it

when things quiet down .. then you see more - sighs im prob talking in circles - anyway sending hugs to you

[Ygrec23]

Dear Araya,

In my experience, your fears are ungrounded. Spirituality is available to human beings in any psychological state, sick or healthy. It may change a bit as your world view changes, but it's still there. Be patient. Put yourself in quiet situations where what's inside you can come out. It may fade for a while during the period that you're getting healthier. But it's only adjusting together with everything else in you. I can almost guarantee you that in the future you will be as spiritual as you could wish. This has been my experience. Personally, I believe in God (hope I'm allowed to say that), and my faith has never been shaken in 34 years, despite all kinds of ups and downs. Sometimes more, sometimes less. But always there. Don't let your concern about your spirituality hinder your getting well. Getting well is priority number one. The spirituality will follow, and you'll be healthy and spiritual at the same time. Don't worry. You have enough problems to deal with without adding more that are unnecessary.

Take care,

[WLFTW]

Originally Posted by Araya

And then I have to delve into the horrible possibility that my spirituality is a symptom of mental illness. I developed a lot of my concept of spirituality according to what I experienced, and a lot of that occurred when I wasn't well. When I 'feel' more, lose control of my body, share my mind, sense things others don't, feel things others don't, etc. ... is it really spirituality or are these symptoms of a psychotic episode? And if it's the latter, does that mean I have to choose between them and getting healthy? I'm doing 'better' but I've been so closed off for so long and it's starting to drive me nuts. Ironically. In a way, I think I'd rather be dead than spend the rest of my life this way. At least then I'd be free... I think. Or maybe that's just my mind searching for the easy way out. I don't know.

I'm just so lost right now.

I ask myself if my spiritual beliefs are symptoms of psychosis a lot, so I can empathize.