[Yismymindblank12]

I've work so hard to gain the adventure I crave.

In my insane perfect world, the world is focused and freeing. There would be pain and suffering, but the freedom of feeling constant triumph no more depression or anything holding me back.

I lived my whole life stuck in these chains of existence. Feeling both frustration and acceptance, many times, I consider suicide when I get older to cope and preserve my happiness in my mind of what is normal for me.

I fear death and equally embrace it and not fear it as well.

My psychosis is the only barrier between me losing my mind not having this delusions and having the world around me be barren in the ominous silence of everyday life.

I hope when I die, I'll have the choice to never come back here. I'll never return to this existence. I'll be my own self, and be my own choice of destiny. I have a belief system, that a higher power exists, I won't disclose much else other than. You can make your life go wherever existence you want. You don't have to ritual you're life away and that it's not my call to ever judge on how anyone practices their faith. Even being human, I'm more confused why people continue to judge me because I don't do things like everyone else does.

It's not like I don't care, I just don't care to be here. Not that I don't like people, I never felt like I belonged. Like I made a wrong turn in my existence bubble of choices. I felt I jumped into here by choice, and I'm facing my consequences. Sometimes I fear that this maybe my last existence in a form of the exile I seek. That my death and rebirth here is death in itself a constant limbo of living dying of what I formerly desired to come true.

Many times, I live life, expecting the unexpected and things become more predictable on a much smaller scale. So I find more excitement in a bigger picture until I realized those things have not came to me even by my own will and actions surrounding my choices to aid in my quest for pure happiness and adventure.

I really don't care about many things people worry about, I say that, not that I feel that they are not important, just not to me.

I choose these beliefs for the reasons everyone else has them, which makes me human, but I doubt all the time the relevancy of anything of it. That I'm not human not by my beliefs or my thoughts, or my feelings its like a knowing. I don't know how it was implanted in me.

I don't know what or why it's there that awareness. Has followed me all my life and I just feel constantly bored of what people do. Even on the vast greatness of the global scale. I wish I could just have a spaceship get shot into the vast depths of space alone venturing different galaxies on my way. Finding answers like a sailor set off to find more land in ancient times. I too never wanted to stay in one spot too long.

I venture to leave earth behind whether through death or in life in my mind. It's something I can't stand. It's nice, but it doesn't mean I have to like it despite appreciating it.

I find being human is cumbersome and well a mix of worth and not worth the effort. I don't know where these third person perspectives were relayed from my own physical mind. I struggle living on a daily basis getting a grip on everything even how to go to the bathroom. I mean, I don't have a mental disability I do have neuro problems, but it's an both an escape, but a natural subconscious reality that I accept things. I just don't want to die in the end being on this planet too long.

Maybe sometimes, my brilliant mind would create some nano tech for transhumanism. That can make me change who I really want to be and not be limited by being flesh and mind anymore. I just want to be mind, machine, and artificial flesh and blood. I strive to stuff like that, I like to go beyond where people don't go, because it's where I belong and most happy at.

If what people want to say there is heaven or hell... I am the type of person that venture beyond those conceived ideas and thoughts of where they are going. I want to farther than that and keep walking experiencing. Existing farther and farther away from the center and not return.

I don't fear death, I fear where I'm heading.

People think I'm just crazy because I'm different and many people think I'm full of BS and I just want to not be alone on my journey before I die. I desire for this one friend to accompany me after my death like an adventure. My life is very adventurous and is based on this epic tales and adventure. It's been rooted in me since I was born. I climbed out of my crib feeling I am free from my chains that liberation was worth it. I ran away from my parents when I learned how to walk, because not being held back is all I've found happiness, gaining independence from my parents feels like heaven to me now, because I can see the world much bigger without feeling caged.

I'm a person who does not like staying in one spot too long, but rather I could have billions and billions of dollars. Hide it away from everyone, and not carry a penny of it on my person, being homeless and intentionally living the world in every perspective as possible. I would find many heights not to become an overachiever for others. I just want to see the view myself.

So I hope this makes somewhat sense why I am always angry and depressed, existing is like a prison sentence, I feel like being in this country and monetary system which is all good and well, but feels like I'm getting no where in life, Seeing that most of our surface has been explored the moon, mars, and starting our solar system and all these things about how science can make the universe seem much smaller than actually is makes me feel depressed. I hate this stupidity that it may help them to find these measurements, but I find it irrelevant to their cause, but despite that it makes me angry it's like my world is getting smaller and smaller. I sometimes question if I have an existential crisis of claustophobia just because I'm alive I constantly feel trapped in every way and not overcoming this has brought me more distress and that being told that I may live a miserable life because of it.

Then so be it, because I'm not going to settle being here reliving things over and over again. I lost my mind before from this, and I'm not doing it again. I would rather die again and go far far away now then relive it again.

Sorry if this confuses anyone. I don't expect anyone to get this.

[H-H-H-H]

Hello, Yismymindblank12. You speak of what your wellness encompasses.

[Yismymindblank12]

Yes I am. Thank you for understanding.

[Fuzzybear]