Self Loathing

Lately I've been facing a lot of criticism and disappointment from my family members. It seems like everything I try to do is wrong to them.They wouldn't stop commenting on everything I eat and my weight so I stopped eating. Now I have this messed up relationship with food, and I find myself being critical and judgmental of myself, I get angry with me over silly things, like buying juice that turned out not to taste good (that was today, I literally hated myself over it). In my mind I know that God loves me but I can't seem to get my heart to understand so I can love myself. I'd appreciate any input

I am sorry that you have family members that are critical and negative. When people are like that it is reflecting their charector defects "not yours".

People want "god" to change people and make life easier, however, god doesn't do that. What people do and the way they interact is "their will" and not that of gods. "Forgive them, fore they know not what they do". Do you know that message? Now, without any religion attached to that quote, think about the wisdom in that quote itself. What that quote is saying that is important to remember is that human beings often behave badly because they "do not know" how to interact with you in a more "positive" and "caring" way. The reason that is important to understand is because one should not be judging "self" and "worthiness" because of the "unknowing" of others.

It is ok to "greive" when others who do not "know" are unkind and respond with negative judgements towards you. However, it is important that these individuals don't convince you to also be "self blaming and punishing". A statement that never got put into the Bible that is important is, "Anyone can have a special relationship with god. What you must do is look inward and discover your own god given gifts". The reason that was not included is it encourages a human being to be independent instead of giving into following along with others and being obediant to a "ruler" of some kind. If you think about it, when your family members respond in a way where you are led to thinking badly of yourself as you have been so doing, you are allowing them to "control" you. But, the way they have treated you is "hurting" you and that needs to change. So, what you need to understand is how to develop your personal relationship with "god" and decide to "love self" and be "nurturing to self" and to make sure you develop a strong inner voice that is "nurturing and kind and forgiving" to self instead. Self nurturing is allowing self to "learn and grow" and in that "if" you end up buying a juice that doesn't taste good, it's ok, you learned about something so next time you wont buy that juice.

If you think about that message, "Forgive them father, fore they do not know", that applies to "self" too. There has been a lot of confusion about "god" ((nomas)), and that confusion is thinking that if "god" doesn't present a person with "gifts and magic" that there either is no god or he is angry at us. Well, that is just not the way it really works. It is accepting "god" within yourself and in so doing develop "self care, self love, and self forgiveness". You "do" have the ability to develop what many call "a wise mind" part of yourself that is "kind and caring and ready to learn" in spite of the things that "others do or say to you that are "hurtful".

You have an amazing "brain" that can learn many things throughout your life. You also have emotions and it's ok to "feel" emotions and acknowledge them. But, these emotions are meant to "help" you understand the hurts that others can present to you, not because you are "bad", but many times because "others simply don't know" what they are doing, saying to you is "hurtful". You cannot change their unknowing and choices to say hurtful things, even judging you unfairly. However, what you "can" do is slowly learn to realize that how others treat you that is "hurtful and disrespectful", is not because you deserve to be treated that way or should accept their judgments. Instead, you can embrace "god" in yourself and develop that relationship throughout your life and in so doing allow yourself to keep learning, growing, experiencing life and looking inward towards discovering "self" and always in a forgiving "caring" way. Also, while others can be "hurtful", you can choose to be different, be open and understanding to others in spite of the many who do not "know how" to be that way. When you "practice" having this mindset, you will actually slowly "learn" how to be able to be slowly stronger about how others affect you and you will slowly learn to teach yourself to keep being "self caring and forgiving" in spite of the messages others offer that do not "comfort and help" you when you do not know or reach out to others for friendship or healthier interactions that help you on your "learning" journey in your life.

Lots of people will say there is no god simply because of the magic they don't see taking place. That is actually sad, because the magic is not about parting seas or many of the things that were really meant to draw attention to the "messages" that are meant to encourage a person to "find god in self".

To embrace the dissonance of others, make it your own and loathe yourself for doing so is most unfortunate. Acknowledge what has transpired, learn, forgive yourself and move on.

I know this space (your experience) very well. You need to learn who you are. You need to find out what you want and need. Find yourself. Others are just trying to tally you up to their expectations. Once you discover yourself enough, you will be able to pass off what others say about you. Expand your perspective. You do not need to be what others want you to be. Learning to love yourself is a lesson that can take a lifetime. Once you get a handle on "who you are", everything else begins to fall in place though. Find your center.

It's hard to not believe or absorb what others, especially family members who you love and who presumably love you, say to you. But when what they say is hurtful, try to transcend it. Focus on your own positivity. Know that you are loved.