I've had a pretty bad month. I finished working on a home project about a month ago that left me feeling really proud of myself because I did it alone, and after that a lot of crazy crap started happening. broken water pipe, bad plumbing job, broken washing machine, broken bolt IN washing machine. My self esteem seems to have plummeted even further down than where it was before.

It just doesn't feel like coincidence. But, while working on previous home project, I was judging my family -- comparing how they do things with how I do them. My work is really good in comparison to theirs - I feel like I care about these things and their work looks.....mediocre because it's not "theirs to worry about anymore."

They were just thoughts - not nice ones, but, thoughts. My meditation teacher told me once that thoughts are not actions -they're not real - don't feel guilty for having them. Acknowledge and let them go. I struggled to not think this was "God" punishing me. Then a few days ago, I thought about karma - does karma get you even in thought? I mean, I don't deserve this and it just feels so real....like something is getting pleasure out of my bad luck...and I'm losing my drive to fix anything anymore. I'm feeling worse about myself because....I can't handle it all alone.

I told my family about how these things were happening - they just laughed. When I say family, I mean my sister. She really didn't listen and sadly, wasn't supportive. ....it felt that way....but things that she said also made me feel like she wasn't being supportive.

I'm really hating this - giving into fears of retribution from gods....it feels invalidating - my mother invalidated my feelings - my sister has too....now the gods too?

I hate this feeling of self pity, but I also feel it's unfair that I upset the cosmos and I'm paying for it - I was doing so damn good. I'm struggling to find positive things. I went and bought some tools I needed to help me replace some parts on the washing machine (felt good about tackling that thing again). As I worked on it, a f#$^%$#@ing bolt broke - now I have to go out and get more tools....

[Thunder Bow]

You are being your own Crisis Warrior! That is some thing to be proud of! Now go get the tools you need and get the job done! You are doing well.

All objects fashioned by man will decay and fall apart.
I think you are reading too much into things.

You need to work through your doubts and confusion.
Many people deny their powers of reasoning and believe things simply because they want to.

You need to find out who you are, who God is (If God even exists) and how the universe works for yourself through your own seeking.

It is wise not to believe anything anyone says or writes until you prove it to yourself.
Do not believe anything I just posted.
Believe what you want. Do what you want.

We are all in the same predicament

[avlady]

you should appreciate the ability to know and have the knowledge to do things around the house, that is a great accomplishment for people ,and you should feel appreciated hopefully you do by your others. everyone could use a handyman.

I really appreciate what you all said - I do.
I was getting ready to cancel this account - I think it's a BPD tailspin moment...just wanted to throw everything away.

Thank you Avlady, Indefatigable, Thunder Bow -

Originally Posted by MMBean

I really appreciate what you all said - I do.
I was getting ready to cancel this account - I think it's a BPD tailspin moment...just wanted to throw everything away.

Thank you Avlady, Indefatigable, Thunder Bow -

I have bpd as well. I have found that it is important to know that our mood-swings into dark places are just a 'tailspin moment." They will pass. The sooner I recognize my mood swings, the sooner they pass. I constantly do "reality checks!"

[(JD)]

I don't believe in coincidences.

[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by MMBean

They were just thoughts - not nice ones, but, thoughts. My meditation teacher told me once that thoughts are not actions -they're not real - don't feel guilty for having them. Acknowledge and let them go. I struggled to not think this was "God" punishing me. Then a few days ago, I thought about karma - does karma get you even in thought? I mean, I don't deserve this and it just feels so real....like something is getting pleasure out of my bad luck...and I'm losing my drive to fix anything anymore. I'm feeling worse about myself because....I can't handle it all alone.

I disagree with your meditation teacher in the respect that thoughts are real. You bet they're real. But, you shouldn't feel guilty about them. You need to acknowledge and deal with them appropriately.

We've had extensive discussions of karma here and we can't really get into it, but yes, karma affects your thought patterns, actions, personality, etc.

Thank you for your replies everyone - I'm not someone that likes to have problems unresolved - I tend to go and try to fix the problem quickly and I let myself get overwhelmed. I didn't like it, but I actually didn't do a single thing this weekend. I have a huge pile of clothes to wash and issues still unresolved, but I told myself to forget about it and worry about it like any other job....on Monday. I'm taking my time and planning things out so that I don't feel like I've accomplished nothing - it's unreasonable of me to want to handle everything and get it all done quickly when it's just not possible.

Thank you guys for your help and support -

Webgoji, you sent me a monkey wrench, and I REALLY need left handed drill bits and a screw extractor! Your comment about thoughts being real is making my black/white thinking a little confused, but I don't mind analyzing this for while. I have to remember what you said about not feeling guilty about my thoughts - and I think that's exactly what got me into such a bad place last week.

My meditation teacher spoke Spanish and I don't think I wrote things accurately he said "pensamientos no son hechos" "Thoughts are not facts, actions" I think that's a more appropriate translation. But, I can see how they are real, but they're not actions until put into action.

Well, i just finished my last cup of coffee and I told myself that when I was through, I'd go and attack that leaking pipe first today. So....I just wanted to say thank you for your help everyone.

[(JD)]

Thoughts ARE real... they form physical "branches" in the brain of which the brain refers to for future action. Kewl where brain science has gone...
Whenever there is a negative thought, we must ASAP change it or at the very least counter it (such as saying: well, THAT'S not true) so that it isn't toxic to us.

As a man thinketh, so is he... I believe this.