[Cat_Lover_58]

Where do you find that place within?

Long story short...very abusive mother in many ways. She now acts in some of the same ways toward my grown girls. I've not talked to her much in 3 years...so...

My cell rings, her number. I get a hot flash type feeling...and then...realize...

I can bring up voicemail and delete it without even listening. That's what I did...BUT...it was my FL sister's voice. She's up to visit...last minute flight!

I talked to her for a few minutes and we'll get together Monday for coffee or breakfast. YAY HORRAY

My point is...I've felt guilty for so long and really struggled with not having my abusive mother in my life. In the midst of other struggles currently in my life...money, less hours at work, etc., I found my strength.

I had that hot flash feeling and then decided MY thoughts needn't go to that dark place where anger, resentment and fear live...

I stayed calm. I made a good decision for me. I'm stronger than I give myself credit for!

What inner strength do you have? Please share...

[alchemy63]

That's a great example of personal inner strength Cat Lover. I think the kind of inner strength you've talked about is the kind of strength it took you to prevent/avoid a situation that you knew from previous experience was likely to be emotionally harmful to yourself and children.

I support the idea of finding solutions with those we've disagreed with whenever possible but I understand also that some relationships produce only painful experiences. I know the hot flash you spoke about very well. It's a signal to me that I am about to encounter something that has caused unpleasantness in the past and even though I've worked at resolving it, I know I haven't yet. I'm learning to understand the true value of what pity is. I don't see pity in it's most negative form but instead, I see it as a variant of sympathy. Sympathy is something I can give to someone who has had less control of their life direction. Pity, on the other hand, is a feeling I have for those who could have chosen a more positive direction for themselves, but didn't. Perhaps someday, they'll get it.

My story of inner strength? My whole life has been a struggle of inner strength. Over time it became apparent to me that my level of sensitivity is higher than most people. At first, I tried to reject my sensitivity, telling myself I was too much of a bleeding heart, that I was an enabler and that having a hard shell was necessary, but I realized, that believing those things about myself was buying into the lie that it was right and best to be insensitive towards others. Accepting my level of sensitivity and learning to be strong and commit to the healthiness of it, despite what the outside world tries to tell me is better, has been my lifelong adventure with inner strength.

[Cat_Lover_58]

Thanks Alchemy63 for your response. I think one response to things that are not mentally healthy for us begets another...

Sometimes I feel like I'm on a roll, then I slide back, but always progressing...

[alchemy63]

We both are

When you stop and think about it, isn't that how learning is? When you were in school, you didn't instantly understand the theory behind algebra. It took you time and making mistakes and making corrections before you understood. One principle was built upon the previous principle and so on until you reached a passing grade.

What I meant about pity/sympathy wasn't meant to put you, yourself on the defense, so, I hope it didn't. I was thinking back on one person in particular in my life who the mention of an abusive person reminded me of. There have been others.

What I meant to say is that for many years this person/people caused me a lot of discontent and I let my thoughts about them affect my everyday actions. In other words, I gave power to them to control my emotions.

I've since learned to take away that power from them. I am the captain of my own ship as it's been said. I can allow them to rule my thoughts, or, I can choose the way I want to feel. I don't see a purpose spending my time in anger or sadness. If I want my life to feel positive and good and if I want to send my life and my spirit in a healthier direction, that choice is mine, no one elses.

[avlady]

So true, i let my sister control most of my adult life but had to give up the feelings as she was projecting on me. i would become angry and sad as she got the rest of my family against me too. i have 9 brothers and sisters, one of which killed herself after i left home . i think there was no one left for them to pick on so they chose her. we can't go on successfully inhibiting feelings of hate but we can do something about it. i know you did the right thing. good luck.