[cinnamonsun]

I am struggling with this right now. A part of me feels like my higher power has betrayed me and let me down, because of all the horrible things I experienced within the past few years. On one hand, I recognize how I have been spiritually assisted to survive these experiences, but now I have to spend who knows how long healing and recovering from everything. I am beginning trauma therapy. Some of them happened while I was trying to be in service and do good in the world, I was persecuted.

I am getting reminders to have faith, but a part of me is so hesitant, because how do I know...whether another horrible trauma is coming my way? How can I have absolute faith and trust after everything I've had to survive? Sure, I'd love to believe good things are on the way. But experience has been one negative and bad event after another for years.

I still feel I am a spiritual person, and spiritually guided. I've lost a lot of faith and trust in myself as well. I'm wondering what others have done to restore their faith in a higher power. I sometimes think of it like any other kind of relationship. You have to practice forgiveness. Somedays I can, and some days I simply can't. It hurts too much. It haunts me too much. Why did I have to go through so much when I was only trying to be a good person and do good? Why would my higher power put me through all this if they love me? If I have a purpose, why is my life constantly derailed by either mental illness, physical illness, or traumatic experiences?

I really, really want to believe. I do. It's just hard right now. How does one overcome this?

[Yaowen]

I wish I knew what to say that would help.

Sometimes, I think that the desire to believe is actually a mysterious but hidden form of belief. What was it Pascal said? "You would not seek Me if you hadn't already found Me."

Depression, especially that caused by past trauma is a heavy, heavy cross to bear. It is normal to cry out when in pain and anguish. I think it would be inhuman if we didn't cry out when we are in distress.

Perhaps the cry itself is a form of faith and hope too. Sometimes, I think it is the most heroic kind of faith and hope, the faith and hope that seems like faithlessness and hopelessness.

Sometimes, I suspect it is in suffering that we actualize our self most truly, where all the false facades and props of faith fall away and there only seems to be darkness everywhere.

It could also be that we often have things backwards, I suspect.

The one absolutely certain thing is Mystery. Everything in particular and everything in total contains this pervasive sense of Mystery. Perhaps Mystery is ultimately what is Absolute in life. Perhaps it is only by falling or rather letting ourselves fall into Infinite Mystery that we find ourselves.

Mystery is kind of like the sky. The sky is always there but because of that we don't notice it very often. Mystery too. It is equally far from us and close to us at the same time. And there is something holy and blessed in it.

Perhaps what we crave more than anything is not the finite that we can master, but the Infinite Mystery which holds all things together in its hands.

And sometimes, perhaps it is only in suffering that we come face to face with Mystery in its purest form.

What can be controlled and mastered eventually becomes boring in its finiteness. We always seek out new mysteries. But perhaps behind all this seeking, what we really seek is an Infinite and Eternal Mystery? I am just speculating here.

[cinnamonsun]

Originally Posted by Yaowen

I wish I knew what to say that would help.

Sometimes, I think that the desire to believe is actually a mysterious but hidden form of belief. What was it Pascal said? "You would not seek Me if you hadn't already found Me."

Depression, especially that caused by past trauma is a heavy, heavy cross to bear. It is normal to cry out when in pain and anguish. I think it would be inhuman if we didn't cry out when we are in distress.

Perhaps the cry itself is a form of faith and hope too. Sometimes, I think it is the most heroic kind of faith and hope, the faith and hope that seems like faithlessness and hopelessness.

Sometimes, I suspect it is in suffering that we actualize our self most truly, where all the false facades and props of faith fall away and there only seems to be darkness everywhere.

It could also be that we often have things backwards, I suspect.

The one absolutely certain thing is Mystery. Everything in particular and everything in total contains this pervasive sense of Mystery. Perhaps Mystery is ultimately what is Absolute in life. Perhaps it is only by falling or rather letting ourselves fall into Infinite Mystery that we find ourselves.

Mystery is kind of like the sky. The sky is always there but because of that we don't notice it very often. Mystery too. It is equally far from us and close to us at the same time. And there is something holy and blessed in it.

Perhaps what we crave more than anything is not the finite that we can master, but the Infinite Mystery which holds all things together in its hands.

And sometimes, perhaps it is only in suffering that we come face to face with Mystery in its purest form.

What can be controlled and mastered eventually becomes boring in its finiteness. We always seek out new mysteries. But perhaps behind all this seeking, what we really seek is an Infinite and Eternal Mystery? I am just speculating here.

I really got a lot out of this. It reminds me of some of my thoughts today. I could accept and handle what I've been through a lot better if I knew or could see it serves some higher purpose. Besides just making me suffer. There is often a belief in a higher plan. Okay, sure. I want the Divine to explain this more to me. How is my life part of a bigger plan? What role does my life play in this bigger plan? Because right now, I just see someone with more than one mental illness, with a disease, who is disabled, that doesn't have children, isn't married, who don't have a successful career, and who hasn't had any kind of significant achievement or influence in the world. I've literally done nothing. I've never had the opportunity. I need some more answers and explanations, something where I can actually see and feel there is something really going on for a higher reason. Or that I have some kind of relevance to life or this world. I feel out of place and like I don't belong here because I'm incapable of being anything besides disabled and sick. I need more proof that my life has any kind of purpose.

And if I got an apology, I would be happier. I don't care if I get an apology from the people who hurt me, and I don't want revenge. But an "I'm sorry." from my higher power would make me feel better. I want my suffering and anger to be acknowledged and seen, and then "I'm sorry that happened. Let's move on." I would be okay with this. I think of all the times I begged for deliverance, for intervention for...something to happen to relieve me from the abuse and bullying, and nothing happened. I just want to know why. I don't expect anyone here to answer that, but why? Why was I denied in a moment of pure anguish, suffering, and abuse? All the times I was sobbing on my knees asking for help. Why was I not helped? Maybe I will never be able to understand this.

My heritage is Jewish. Why did members of my family have to endure the Holocaust? There is literally so much I think about. Why did this have to happen? Right before I fled the living situation in the state across the country. I looked at all the belongings I could take, which were in two suitcases. I remember how during the Holocaust, they could only take what would fit in suitcases before they were relocated. And I asked, "Why does this always happen to Jewish people?"

Why am I here? If my only reason for being here is to suffer, I am not interested. There has to be more to life than this. And while yes, I do value the lessons I have learned through my suffering, my goodness, I have had ENOUGH. I need a break! This has been too much for me.

Maybe it's time to explore a new mystery. I don't feel I will ever get what I need from the one I've been following.

[cinnamonsun]

I found the answers I was seeking on this.

I am not here to suffer, I am here to experience. That means, experiencing the good and the bad. Which are the same. I have these experiences so my soul can learn and simply experience them. I feel I made the choice to experience life as a mentally ill disabled person, with a disease so I could learn about this. And I feel my experiences with trauma and abuse were pushing me to learn about love. Loving myself.

In the end, I don't need an apology from a higher power or anyone else. I needed to apologize to myself for all the abuse I do to myself, and how hard I am on myself. And how I don't always make good or healthy choices. All this was me needing to look within to who I am and say "I'm sorry I did this to you. I will heal and learn to do better. I can treat myself better and love myself." I needed to acknowledge my part in this. There is a saying, "What you seek is already within you."

To be honest, I feel a sense of closure and peace now.

[Have Hope]

I'm glad you feel a sense of closure and peace about this. That's amazing, especially after all you've endured.

I, too, have been thinking and feeling the same thing lately about a higher power. I've prayed for a job offer for months, and all I've gotten are rejections so far. I've prayed for happiness in my career, and all I've gotten is misery and continued misery. I am in anguish over my career at the moment and over a new toxic boss who is making my life most difficult and miserable. Everyone else in my department has landed a job offer and has left - but not me. I still have to stick around and swim in the misery because no one has wanted me so far. I have questioned WHY a higher power would do such a thing to me and allow this to continue, when I've prayed nearly every day for the complete opposite. It sure has made me question my faith, to the point where I stopped praying. I haven't prayed in a week or two now.

All I've been told is that the suffering is meant for the soul's growth - that something good is going to come out of this negative experience, something that will help me in the days to come, and something I'm learning now is making me far stronger. Yes, I've been told this, but I don't understand why I need to experience prolonged suffering. I've already worked under many toxic bosses, and I've already experienced a toxic work environment many times over. My mental health is suffering immensely and it's taking all of my power to get through each and every work day without calling in sick. So why does it need to continue happening? This is the question I struggle with and I don't have the answers to this for my own life.

I know that I, too, need far greater self love, and maybe that's a part of what this is about. Learning to love and treasure myself, even when I'm getting beaten down by a bully boss or a tyrant boss. Learning how to stand up for myself and push back. I've been pushing back with my boss a lot, and kind of give it right back to her. But I do not think this is a good thing. I've become a belligerent employee instead and could even be considered as non compliant to get myself fired, when all I'm doing is setting limits on the amount of work I am given.

[cinnamonsun]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

I'm glad you feel a sense of closure and peace about this. That's amazing, especially after all you've endured.

I, too, have been thinking and feeling the same thing lately about a higher power. I've prayed for a job offer for months, and all I've gotten are rejections so far. I've prayed for happiness in my career, and all I've gotten is misery and continued misery. I am in anguish over my career at the moment and over a new toxic boss who is making my life most difficult and miserable. Everyone else in my department has landed a job offer and has left - but not me. I still have to stick around and swim in the misery because no one has wanted me so far. I have questioned WHY a higher power would do such a thing to me and allow this to continue, when I've prayed nearly every day for the complete opposite. It sure has made me question my faith, to the point where I stopped praying. I haven't prayed in a week or two now.

All I've been told is that the suffering is meant for the soul's growth - that something good is going to come out of this negative experience, something that will help me in the days to come, and something I'm learning now is making me far stronger. Yes, I've been told this, but I don't understand why I need to experience prolonged suffering. I've already worked under many toxic bosses, and I've already experienced a toxic work environment many times over. My mental health is suffering immensely and it's taking all of my power to get through each and every work day without calling in sick. So why does it need to continue happening? This is the question I struggle with and I don't have the answers to this for my own life.

I know that I, too, need far greater self love, and maybe that's a part of what this is about. Learning to love and treasure myself, even when I'm getting beaten down by a bully boss or a tyrant boss. Learning how to stand up for myself and push back. I've been pushing back with my boss a lot, and kind of give it right back to her. But I do not think this is a good thing. I've become a belligerent employee instead and could even be considered as non compliant to get myself fired, when all I'm doing is setting limits on the amount of work I am given.

I thought about that too. They say suffering teaches you compassion. Yes, okay, but one lesson to develop compassion is enough. Why did I have to go through as much as I did to learn compassion when it would only have taken one experience of abuse. Which I had a lot of as a child anyway. I brought that up in my prayers. I can be very, very confrontational to my higher power, but I also have anger issues because of all the abuse I went through.

So. To bring back my thoughts to what I am learning about. I've been learning to have more specific intentions in my prayers. For example, I ask for a job and add "A job that will use my talents and skills and be for my highest good, and the benefit of others."

Another thing is, if we have a deep belief about who we are, it will be reflected back to us. Because the world will act as a mirror. For myself, I am unlovable, and I've felt this way because of the abuse and emotional neglect of my childhood and throughout my life from my parents. So what happens, I ask for love and I am given a lover who reflects back to me how I feel about myself. Which is to be abused because I am unlovable and don't deserve love. Or I will tell God, "I am a healer and want to do your work in this world. Let me serve you." And then friends and romantic partners come my way who need a great deal of healing, more than what I can do. And then I am depleted and drained trying to heal them and ignoring myself.

I am beginning to ask...how do I feel about myself? How do I see myself? Is it what I truly see and feel, or is it what others have told me about myself? How someone else has defined me because they haven't healed themselves.

I know this doesn't really answer your question or my question, and perhaps...there really isn't a true answer. But I want to work on how I feel and see myself in hopes it will change what is being reflected back to me. I still have faith, and I do pray. I also feel some of it is on me. I want to do good in the world, but I want to do good for my highest good instead of destroying myself or being persecuted again. I tell God that has to end, I am not here for that.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by cinnamonsun

I thought about that too. They say suffering teaches you compassion. Yes, okay, but one lesson to develop compassion is enough. Why did I have to go through as much as I did to learn compassion when it would only have taken one experience of abuse.

@cinnamonsun, I've asked myself this question 100 times at least. I. too, have had a lot of abuse in my life - from bullies as a kid to bullies and abusers as an adult - in my professional and romantic life. I feel I have learned this lesson repeatedly. I don't get it myself.