[Michah]

Hi there everybody........

I am a rational, logical, analytical, intelligent person that craves order and stability but herein lies the problem. I am also irrational, nervous, hypervigilant, suspicious and cynical. You see I have a mental health history that spans my adult life but 5 years ago after much trauma, therapy, hospital, meds and suffering I put most of my demons to bed. I have lived 4 years in bliss (well, compared to the last ten!) Then about 1 year into my bliss I started to suffer debilitating physical symptoms.......they would come and go in their severity but i didn't pursue it because I was enjoying my life too much and so I self medicated(marijuana, Chinese medicine, pain killers, etc).

2007 was when it all stopped.......my life, my study, my job. 4 years bliss over.........dx bipolar which my therapists don't agree with(I was dx by my GP). I was so freaking ill i didn't think I was going to make it(more from grief than anything else, I think)........still no explanation for these symptoms. And so I get sicker and no one knows why. All this time my treasured thyroid was getting bigger and I was dx with goiter, nodules and cysts about 3 years ago. But nothing done until now.......and still my blood deceives me. I don't want to be sick but whats the alternative?, that I am stark raving mad and knowing I am which is impossible?.

My parents where on the band wagon about the thyroid........my mother went so far as to say that I have never been mentally ill......it was all my thyroid from 15 years ago!! Man, are you serious!!She wasn't even around then. Now that my Endo has said not Endocrine, my family has jumped on the "its all in your head" bandwagon. Make up your freakin minds.

After that insidious notion jumped into my head, I felt such intense rage and anguish I couldn't breathe. I spent years convincing myself there was nothing wrong but in the last few months I have had to find the courage and strength to pursue it(with help from my shrinks), to be "pro active" to not slip into "sickness". So I sucked up my intense fear and mistrust of doctors and opened myself up with the deep hope they would have an answer.

My point is, I cannot find the answer inside........I am not spiritual enough.......I am too scientific and logical.......I am not mentally ill(or so I have been told by my shrewd, intelligent, caring shrinks) and my stepmother and mother have made me feel like i am more deficient than I thought because I am doing algebra and calculus, not quoting Eckhart Tolle or the Dalai Lama. That I am some spiritual deviant because I cannot "change the way I think". I DON"T KNOW HOW!! If I did, I might want to utilise that(sarcasm!!)

i like who I am, I just want to feel better.........so am I damned because even though I find great merit in spirituality and do subscribe to it, I cannot change the way I think to find my way to health and happiness? Is it as simple as that? What am I lacking that other positive, activated people have? Where do they find it?

And the big question........if I knew how and did it, what if I didn't get better? 2+2 will always equal 4. This just doesn't have a logical conclusion and so I stagnate in my pool that lacks optimism but does trust that one day I will get out of it. Just have no clue how.

[(JD)]

i like who I am, I just want to feel better.........so am I damned because even though I find great merit in spirituality and do subscribe to it, I cannot change the way I think to find my way to health and happiness? Is it as simple as that? What am I lacking that other positive, activated people have? Where do they find it?

I think some might say you find it outside of yourself, and others would say inside only, or first?

You can change the way you think...if you wish to. It is not easy, because you must counter, often and consistently, all the negative comments you now tell yourself (having learned them from negative people.)

I would suggest that you write the affirmations down, and post them where you will read them often. Even the desires you have will do (such as: I will find my way to health and happiness...)

I also suggest that you seek a higher power. Of course, as most know for me, that is God. I believe that if you ask for knowledge (especially to know and sense Him) He will give it to you.

Then I would suggest that you set aside time each day for this... searching... meditating about what you want and how you might accept the results you find... do some visualization and see yourself healthier and happier. There's science to back up how this works, and then when you add a bit of "faith" that you can obtain what you seek... you will see positive results for sure imo.

Peace and good wishes.

[Michah]

Originally Posted by _Sky

I think some might say you find it outside of yourself, and others would say inside only, or first?

You can change the way you think...if you wish to. It is not easy, because you must counter, often and consistently, all the negative comments you now tell yourself (having learned them from negative people.)

I would suggest that you write the affirmations down, and post them where you will read them often. Even the desires you have will do (such as: I will find my way to health and happiness...)

I also suggest that you seek a higher power. Of course, as most know for me, that is God. I believe that if you ask for knowledge (especially to know and sense Him) He will give it to you.

Then I would suggest that you set aside time each day for this... searching... meditating about what you want and how you might accept the results you find... do some visualization and see yourself healthier and happier. There's science to back up how this works, and then when you add a bit of "faith" that you can obtain what you seek... you will see positive results for sure imo.

Peace and good wishes.

Sky, thank you. Yes I believe in God.......I have gone in and out of faith, but as i get older I have experienced moments of divinity.......I am scientific, but smart enough to know that not all can be explained by science alone. The thing is how can one fix something they had no idea was broken? I mean I know that there is stuff that still resides but i am aware of it and know the tools to amend what I recognise as negative behaviour.

I understand the affirmations policy.......that is why I have probably gotten this far........but i am so fatigued and brain fogged even my mindfulness techniques are like pushing cement through the eye of a needle. Everything just takes SO much energy. If I didn't have to deal with a sick body, might have more strength for the mind.

Maybe i have left it to late.......i am so depleted that I am relying solely on the skills of my therapists to raise me to a level just high enough to gather my own momentum.