[newtus]

I posted this on another forum, but didn't get many responses.

How many of you have insight into your positive and negative symptoms but still believe them (positive ones) or can't help them (negative ones)?

I have read about the positive symptoms, for example. I read them and understand that they can be an issue, even the examples are seemingly inane. When it comes to that moment or period in time, the text I learned about means nothing other than what's going on right then and there. Which those periods of time further me from believing im not okay and more to believing what I feel I know or see/hear.

When does it become lack of insight? I don't know if theres even such thing as partial insight.

Im confused. I go in and out. But im mostly out. I only come into thinking im not okay when I get depressed cause im usually not. I skim my mind and say "ok maybe I was overreacting", but not much longer and more deep thought I go right back. Some people tell me to not think so much, but then I feel as I am being controlled by being told to not be myself. I am a deep thinker naturally.

[unaluna]

I would need more examples or something in order to be able to respond to you. I know what pos & neg symptoms are, but what exactly are YOU experiencing? People don't think ENOUGH, IMO, not the opposite, tell them to step off! or just to try it themselves sometimes (if they can without getting hurt!)

[newtus]

Yea, I was a bit vague, sorry.

By positive symptoms, for me, I mean It's extremely hard to break the idea that people are watching me. That perhaps my community doesn't like me at all. That my neighbors are watching me, reporting about me every time I step outside of my was. I fear that they want me killed. Them and the old community and city I lived in a few years ago, a few cities down. I don't talk to people. I thought that was fine, but maybe it's not? I fear talking to them anyway. I have social anxiety, too. I'm always on watch looking out my windows and looking over my shoulder me every 5 seconds, and in areas that are easy for others to hide in. I taped up my blinds on my windows in my house for extra safety of people looking through windows. I was thinking of putting up surveillance cameras. Though, this is a lot of money for what I feel I need. I recently had a friend point out that my proof is not logical and that I am not that important, but I felt like they were just not wanting to believe me and I felt extremely abandoned emotionally and so much more scared because of that. Then I thought about it real quick the next day and thought maybe I slightly over-exaggerating, but then I thought more and then it seemed logical again.

-I have thought this since I was 9. I was diagnosed as having depression w/ psychosis at 13 and then schizoaffective at 15. I am 21 now.-

With that though, I hear banging on the side of my house, and back of my house. I hear scratching on my windows and scratching and buzzing in the vents throughout my house and in the walls of my bathroom. I feel this is one proof that theres some sort of...i dont know, SOMETHING of a monitoring/recording device in my vents.

Sure I can read this somewhere and think "That's kind of odd" but when time comes to step outside of my house or use the bathroom or am alone, or whatever, it just seems like maybe i'm not having issues, maybe i'm being gangstalked or harassed, or something.

I don't really live around a lot of people, because I live in a rural area, but i've only been here maybe 3 years.

As far as negative symptoms, I was offering others to come talk, as I feel nervous because I haven't posted a lot. I actually am unable to recognize these in me.

In editing this, I'm not able to recognize these in me really, though, I don't know much about the negative symptoms as much I understand the positive ones.

[unaluna]

So like are you in therapy, do you go to school? At least you have SOME friends. Must be kind of spooky living rural, I don't like living in a single house, I prefer an apartment, I guess that's why, you are never really alone, even if the neighbors do get on your nerves sometimes. Older houses can make noise too, I was watching a tv show where they just showed like 6 different weird noises the water and furnace pipes can make, the host of the show said if his house made all those noises, he would think his house was telling him to get out! it was like a canadian tv talk show for women, he was being funny.

[newtus]

No, I don't goto therapy nor a psychiatrist. So I am not on meds either. I don't goto school. Or have a job. I'm really to scared to leave the house...my one friend is from middle school. I've kept in touch through the years. I'm pretty afraid of doctors of all kinds. I live with my father. I um, actually refuse to make friends in this town and county/area of the state. Mostly fear, but i'm sure they've got an agenda.

[Tsunamisurfer]

Originally Posted by newtus

...

When does it become lack of insight? I don't know if theres even such thing as partial insight...

I think there is. I'm in the early stages of ramping up with an antipsychotic after 2 months of being off them. I've been paranoid for those 2 months. Now my perception of things I was once very concerned about shifts from moment to moment - between suspicion and fear; and a strange, calm understanding. I liken it to the point where dirty river water meets clear sea water. As you swim underwater through it you have puffs of zero visibility with anxiety for unseen sharks, and clear water where you can see the beauty of the shoals of fish swimming around you.

As for when it becomes a lack of insight, you probably won't know - that's how anosognosia works. It seems to you at the time that all is perfectly clear (e.g. that everyone is out to get you).

I've had partial insight my whole life - a niggling suspicion that something isn't quite adding up, but I had no idea what or where to begin looking.

[newtus]

Originally Posted by Tsunamisurfer

As for when it becomes a lack of insight, you probably won't know

This makes me nervous

[Tsunamisurfer]

Originally Posted by newtus

This makes me nervous

Newtus, I gather you don't fancy seeing doctors, and I have shared your sentiment for a long time. I still find them hard work. But it was people who are intimately familiar with the symptoms I was experiencing (but not recognising) who were able to help me.

Initially it was a friend who has has known me for 20 years who came up to me with a list of questions, to which I answered affirmative to practically every one. He said "that is what our Bipolar support group is there to help".
It took a psychologist and a psychiatrist to finally agree that I seemed to have some sort of bipolar, so we treated for that. (Not an instant solution)
After a few doctor changes, I ended up with a new psychologist who asked a whole lot more questions and became convinced that I had Schizoaffective disorder, and he outlined a course of treatment to get me back on my feet - beginning with what I really didn't want to hear: antipsychotic meds. My psychiatrist agreed with him on the basis of the 2 months of psychosis and stable mood.

I understand your nervousness, and I want to encourage you that there is lots of hope, even though it can be tough going.

Do a search for pdocs and Ts in your area who have a good reputation for dealing with psychosis - people you can trust to have your best interests at heart. Get them to help you clarify what is really difficult to identify from the inside, and get a treatment and recovery plan going from there.

[porcupine2]

Originally Posted by newtus

With that though, I hear banging on the side of my house, and back of my house. I hear scratching on my windows and scratching and buzzing in the vents throughout my house and in the walls of my bathroom. I feel this is one proof that theres some sort of...i dont know, SOMETHING of a monitoring/recording device in my vents.

Welcome Newtus. I too hear the banging noises, scratching, knocks, and often hear someone, calling my name or doorbells and phone ringing. I actually thought there were paranormal things happening around me. Then I found this forum and when I read about this disorder it was like reading about myself. I have bipolar and agoraphobia as well as schizoaffective disorder and PTSD. Glad you found this community as it is safe here and everyone is very supportive.

[newtus]

Originally Posted by Tsunamisurfer

I understand your nervousness, and I want to encourage you that there is lots of hope, even though it can be tough going.

Do a search for pdocs and Ts in your area who have a good reputation for dealing with psychosis - people you can trust to have your best interests at heart. Get them to help you clarify what is really difficult to identify from the inside, and get a treatment and recovery plan going from there.

Yes, my fear is tremendous. I fear them being the people who want to hurt me or possibly kill me, and others if they aren't acting alone. Yes the weight gain on the meds was horrible, but it is also a tremendous fear of those doctors.

How do I go about finding one who specializes in something like that?

I will try, but honestly, it's only for my father and friend who i've known for 8 years or so, our friendship is on threads because he says he cannot get through to me. That hurts me.

[newtus]

Originally Posted by porcupine2

Welcome Newtus. I too hear the banging noises, scratching, knocks, and often hear someone, calling my name or doorbells and phone ringing. I actually thought there were paranormal things happening around me. Then I found this forum and when I read about this disorder it was like reading about myself. I have bipolar and agoraphobia as well as schizoaffective disorder and PTSD. Glad you found this community as it is safe here and everyone is very supportive.

I have social anxiety and agoraphobia along with schizoaffective disorder, too. I probably only leave my house once a week. Every so often I don't leave during the week. I can't tell you how many times on a daily basis I hear my name being called. Over and over and over and over.

For some reason, every single thing I hear and my fears of people watching me ramp up tenfold at night. Any voices I have comes at night. I can hear whispers in the daytime but clear voices come at night. I have even slept in the corner my hallway before because I know there are no windows that people can readily look in and see me from that area.