[33yankee33]

A couple of weeks ago I had an episode that still disturbs the hell out of me. NormallyI hear a voice or voices that have a mean tone to them. I pop a 10mg Haldol and they go away. No big deal. Then it changes. Suddenly I can understand what the voices are saying. They're telling me to kill one of my six cats, Dimmer. It took every ounce of willpower I had not to choke dimmer to death. I took a Haldol and still the voices kept egging me on. I'd told my huband what was going on, and he helped restrain me while I took another Haldol...20 minutes later I was fine. I am still feeling guilty about this, I mean I love my cats. What if my husband hadn't been there? It makes me feel crazier than I already felt. My T said it's the disease not me. I don't know...any similar experiences out there?

[newtus]

i threw a chair and cracked a window in high school

i was paranoid.
they gave me a xanax because i got so scared i got angry
it just kept escalating.

[RunningEagleRuns]

I understand. Good luck!

[cheskarry]

Sometimes I get extremely violent thoughts about hurting people that I really love & care about. For some reason they all come up & about when I'm around my best friend. I love her, & I'd never hurt her. But sometimes I get the feeling of wanting to hurt her. I know I'd never do it, but the thoughts in my head are uncontrollable. And whenever she sleeps over, and I get tired she says I really scare her because I "turn into a different person"

[costello]

Yankee: Sorry you had this happen to you. I don't think you should feel guilty about this. Having a negative thought or emotion doesn't make you a bad person. Be kind to yourself.

[mgran]

Hi Yankee, I'm really sorry you had such an upsetting experience. I know that you love your cats (you wouldn't have offered them a home if you didn't) so I can only imagine how badly you must have felt.

But the point is, you didn't do it. You took meds to try to quell the voice, you told your husband about it, you fought it. The fact that you asked for help speaks volumes about you. You're open about what happened... if you were vain you would try to hide what had happened for fear of looking bad. You care about your cat more than your reputation. You have courage. Be glad of that. Don't punish yourself. It wasn't your fault.

[33yankee33]

Originally Posted by mgran

But the point is, you didn't do it.

Thanks for your encouragement mgran. My only concern is what if something like this happens again? Will it have a safe outcome? I liked it better when I couldn't understand the voices,

[costello]

Originally Posted by 33yankee33

Thanks for your encouragement mgran. My only concern is what if something like this happens again? Will it have a safe outcome?

I would probably have this fear too if I were in your shoes, but I hope I would try to refocus on the positive outcome not the fear that it might happen again and go horribly wrong next time.

I always think about the time when I was 11 and my dad decided it would be a cute idea to teach me to drive. He put me behind the wheel of our 1970 VW Squareback - red just like this one: http://www.volksworldusa.co.uk/wp-co...llpaper-02.jpg - and, with him in the passenger seat, had me driving around in circles in the field in front of our house. Then he decided I should drive on the gravel road next to our property.

So there I am, 11 years old, driving along a road for the first time ever, a little excited but a lot scared, when my dad (who was holding some kind of alcoholic drink in his hand, btw, what was the man thinking?!?) points out the window to the right and says, "Look at that quail!" So, I obediently look at the quail which is flying off away to the right and ... nearly drive off the right side of the road! Thank God my dad noticed and grabbed the wheel. (I also distinctly remember he took a huge gulp of that drink at that point.)

My dad apologized and explained that it was his fault because of course I was going to tend to steer in the direction that I was looking. Lesson learned. Unless you want to follow the quail into the ditch, keep your eyes pointed in the direction you want to go - down the road.

That was a valuable lesson, because I've found it applies to thoughts as well as eyeballs. You're going to get pulled in the direction of whatever you focus your attention on. So focus on the good outcome. Focus on your strength and wisdom in drawing on your resources - your husband, your medication - to help you make that good outcome. Focus on the fact that now you know what you'll do if faced with that situation again. Focus on the fact that that experience gave you a chance to exercise your will so now you're just a tiny teeny bit stronger.

I liked it better when I couldn't understand the voices,

[mgran]

Costello, you're right! What was your Dad thinking? But what a good illustration, thank you for sharing it. There are plenty of times we all need to not look at the quail but keep my eyes on the road.

[brackenbeard]

If neccesary you can always remove yourself from the situation. There's a strong part of you that knows what is right and wrong, and sometimes it's best to cool off. I know the voices won't go away by merely removing yourself, but take a walk around the block and then see how you feel. You can't worry about if it might happen again, instead you can hope that it never happens again, but who knows??? It could, but are you really going to let your attention stick to that, no no. Might aswell go about your life hoping it doesn't, and if it does, at that point you'll deal with it the best you can. No one can ask anything more of you.