[Nix]

I've been a stay at home, homeschooling mom for many years now. My kids will be in school this fall for the first time. I am working from home during the day (and cleaning offices at night), but there will be significantly less stress in my life. For the first time in many years, my husband and I are having a conversation about me taking over the bill paying in the household again.

I always paid the bills, but in periods of mental illness, there were bad times. Driving hours away to grocery shop and spending whole paychecks on expensive food because I thought the cheaper kind was poisoned. Giving away thousands of dollars we didn't have to give and missing mortgage payments as a result. And then, just the regular stress of bill paying, which, when mixed with psychosis, meant paranoia that our money was being stolen and we were being cheated somehow on our regular bills.

Eventually it was too much stress and too much of a train wreck, and my husband took over paying the bills. I feel guilty about that, because even though I do a lot of work, both around the house and making supplemental money, I still have more free time than he does. He's the one with a full time, stressful job that mainly supports our family. I don't like adding more to his work load because I'm incapable.

A little over a year ago, when he said he wanted to divorce me, I got my own checking account. Things have improved since then, both with my mental state and our marriage. I got on medication and went to regular treatment sessions. I've managed to pay my own credit card bills each month, track all my debit spending, and keep up with the account without any problems. I even saved enough to get us through extra expenses during the summer, when I don't have much work. This is the first summer we haven't ended in the red.

Now that I'll have fewer responsibilities at home during the day, it's a big step, but I may take over the bill paying responsibilities again. It will probably add some stress to my life, which slightly worries me, because stress can put me over the edge mentally. At the same time, I feel like it means my recovery from the last episode is going really well, and I'm healthier.

I'm not sure if I should have some sort of system in place to allow someone to take over if I suddenly take a turn for the worse. Of course, I am hoping I will remain stable as long as possible, but you always have to plan for a disaster just in case.

I think I can just try to keep things very organized and well-documented. At least that way it would be easy for my husband to jump in and take over if I have another episode, although if I have another episode he will most likely leave, and I don't want to think about the bill paying situation at that point. It's frightening to consider not being able to properly care for myself and I don't like to even think about it. I just hope it doesn't happen again.

It's brought me a lot of satisfaction to organize my debit account each month and see the numbers work out the way they should. That's not really like me, as numbers usually confuse and frustrate me, but somehow it feels like having a grip on that one thing makes my whole life feel less out of control. So maybe I can take on this new responsibility.

[Shoe]

Sounds like things are getting better for you there phoenix. Integrating order and structure is a positive thing. Keep some small ledger of bills and money spent and go over it from time to time with your husband.
Save a little money here and a little money there because like this old fisherman friend of mine use to say, Crumbs is bread.
He used to wear a hat that said, Happiness is a positive cash flow.