[sandersdillion948]

I once had a therapist tell me that I create these people and that I started doing it very young to deal with trauma or things in my life, but why would I create a voice in my head that tells me I am worthless and not worthy of love? Calls me names, laughs at me, talks to other voices in my head about me, saying awful things? How is that healthy or productive? I have done some $hit in my life I am not proud of and I carry a lot of guilt with me, it seems that when i start thinking about them that the voices start. Driving in the car today, I could smell summer in the air, it was the same smell before I went into the hospital the first time. It sort of triggered negative feelings. I can remember being very young and talking to the people in my head when no-one was around, or acting on what they were telling me to do. I always thought that I was a sociopath, void of emotion, depressed, angry, having homicidal thoughts at 10 years old, cutting my arms, smoking cigarettes... I use to go to sleep with my arm in the air, who does that?
I had a very loving mother, my dad hated his job and drank, being 10 years old I would always threaten to kill him for talking to my mother like that. I still fail to see how someone did not notice I was different, I thought it was totally normal to hear voices, I never told anyone about them though, it was a secret. I use to go for walks at 3am and talk to them when nobody was around, I would sit on the beach and idealize situations where I would kill myself. Do you know what I mean? Growing up my friend would always say I had a great imagination, but that was not imagination, i was hallucinating! lol did anybody see me at ALL? was I invisible?? wtf My dad called me tonight to tell me I had mail there, to come pick it up. He has said things in the past few months to would insinuate I was some kind of a monster. I don't like that he holds me hostage, he knows some of the things that go on in my head, cuz I confided in him, and I feel like he tells everyone I know what I said, I don't own those thoughts, they are not me, do you know what I mean?
I thru my Latuda in the trash, Last night I took it and violently through up in the shower, I started to pass out it was so bad and I started to see stars, i banged my head on accident and all last night my left eye was blurry, it had a blurry spot, its still there tonight. I am going to take half a zyprexa tonight and I going to see about starting ECT treatment, I have not done it before, they say it causes memory loss and rewires your brain. It would be nice to go a few months without hearing voices. I thought about telling my therapist about them, that I am hearing them again, but, she will stick me in the hospital and I have papers to write for class.

[sandersdillion948]

and breathe.....

[DePressMe]

sanders, it's tough to deal with this and still manage to get through life--like you doing your school papers when you are obviously not feeling well. You are a strong person--you've carried a heavy weight your entire life and yet you're still making it through it.

My voices were with me from birth, the people have always been after me, my thinking is not right, I've always had violent intrusive thoughts about my own death and now about killing others...crippling anxiety, constant paranoia and all my other mental illness crap that-just like you- I always knew I had to keep secret from others. It's been a huge burden for me to bear and most my life I've had to do it all on my own, but I'm still here. I've managed to survive it all. I have not lost yet.

Well, I'm trying to let others into my world so I'm not so alone. It helps to just have another person know about some of my struggles. Writing and blogging helps me figure things out and release some of my pent-up emotions. Antipsychotics, mood stabilizers and sleep meds are absolutely required for me. Some days are better than others.

I don't have too many answers for you but I do understand some of your feelings and what you are going through....hang in there...talk with pdoc about new meds maybe......you are a survivor....D.

[djclark01]

Be sure to differentiate the voice of your conscience from these other voices.
Also, make sure you go easy on yourself. Although I am not a doctor, I will advise you to take your meds regularly and in the correct dose. Without them, the voices will continue and who knows what will happen. I have SA disorder but I don't hear voices or see things but I know that must be rough and a very hard thing to deal with. I don't know if the meds help with the voices but I think it will make things worse if you don't take them (not saying you don't). Just remember to be honest and open with your pdoc about all of these troubling experiences, so that you are diagnosed and treated correctly.

Your mental health is more important than school and she may not put you in the hospital (you don't know that for sure). You can't continue on with your life hearing these voices and acting these ways. Unless your get your mind under control you are not going to succeed in this world. For example, you can maybe get through school but you won't be able to hold down a job if you are hearing voices.

Don't be ashamed of your disorder or what is happening to you or try to hide it. That's the worse thing you can do for yourself.

Also, I would say that you should do a lot of research before you get an ECT treatment. There are a lot of drawbacks and downsides to doing it. I would see if I could get it under control with meds first before you consider more severe methods.

Do your best to let your pdoc knows what's going on before something bad happens.

Take care.

[sandersdillion948]

I've been doing a lot of reading and apparently this is common, does anyone else smoke cigarettes? I am kind of in shock I guess, after speaking with a few friends, what I have go on in my head is not normal. Growing up I never told anyone about them because I assumed everyone had other people in their head. Last year I went into the hospital for #2 thinking I was possessed by a daemon, again. It really boils down to the voices in my head telling me to do stuff and having poor impulse control as well as OCD and ADHD, plus SA and depression. I can see how in movies like "The devil within" or the exorcist, how it must look like evil daemon possessions...The throwing up (Which i get from intrusive thoughts that accelerate through my head giving me massive anxiety), etc... Not to mention that I was in no control over myself at all in the hospital either times, it was like i was there watching and someone else was driving, whats with that?

I'm concerned how all this medication is going to effect my liver though, My last PDoc said I might function well off medication, but I don't think he totally understands how my mind works, I am medication dependent, anti-psychotic drugs tone down the voices a bit, Zyprexa was working great for me, then it just stopped working, so LATUDA it is! its been like ... almost 2 weeks though, when does it begin to work? I am on a low does to start off with because last time it made me sick, I did not realize i had to eat 320 calories though, I am a bit of a health food nut, i make low calorie meals.

I was exposed to so much sexual violence growing up, from it I have ptsd also and am on a low dose of blood pressure medication that is suppose to suppress the nightmares I have been having these past few weeks. Last night I had a really terrible one, woke up this morning all bet out of shape, But i went to class still. I have been thru so much, but i did manage to catch up on my homework, now i have another paper to write, and I am feeling okay about that. I am 2.5 years into a 5 year program for a Masters in Social Work, who better if not me?

I technically do not have to ever work again, I have SSDI, I have an apartment that goes for 1200.00 and I pay 225.00 a month, everything included, a car payment and food stamps, plus medical insurance! but i WANT to work, i want to make my own money again, but not for 10$ an hour, for 100.00$ an hr. So, I chug along, chug chug chug, slow like the turtle while all the hares keep passing me by, but I will get there, eventually.

[djclark01]

I just hope you find the right pdoc and the right meds. It seems like you are not as stable as you could be. I am with you on your concern about the long term effects of these meds, but I wouldn't continue to let myself be tormented. There are other options and a chance to live a better life.