[Blue_Bird]

I have posted about this in a few other threads but wanted to make a separate thread just for this topic.

Have you accepted having SZA?

I was diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder this past summer. At first, I was like "Okay, I have this disorder. That's okay".

Now I have been questioning it, I had all the symptoms but I still sometimes wonder what would happen if I went off my meds. I was recently considering trying just that, I convinced myself that I either 1. Don't have the disorder or 2. I had it but it went away or I'm "cured". I discussed this with my pdoc a few weeks ago and she said I would end up right back in the hospital if I stopped my meds, and they're the reason I feel this way, this good. They're working. I even asked if the disorder could go away but both she and my therapist said no, it's a lifelong chronic illness.

I'm starting just now (the past few days) to accept that I have it. I'm not sure what changed, I guess the vast difference in me of how I am now versus when I wasn't on the right medication is a big thing, and maybe it has been hard to accept because it's hard to believe that meds could make that big of a difference in me but they have. It's like night and day.

Looking back on my journal entries shows exactly how messed up things were in my head then.

I'm not sure why it's been harder to accept this disorder than my other disorder(s). generalized anxiety disorder is a given, there's no doubt I have that. My pdoc brought up me possibly having OCD at my last appointment and that explains a lot of things. But Schizoaffective disorder has been much more difficult to accept.

[kaliope]

I think you are describing life for anybody with a chronic mental illness. insert bipolar for me and I could have written this. who HASNT had these thoughts? having had the experience of going off meds for several years and crashing to my absolute lowest of lows, being hospitalized against my will which was always my greatest fear in life, and then finding the best meds for me that completely changed my life I would be crazier to go off meds at this point. just as you look at your journals, I have mine as well. they are there as a reminder of just how crazy life was without meds. I have to keep those times in mind so I never go back.

[worthit]

Blue bird, I cried when I first got diagnosed. I was so upset I thought I was a broken person. I know that it's just an illness, now. A lot of education and reading has help me understand my illness and that it is simply that. Medication has made a big difference and has made me where I am today, also. I'm on the right medication and that is taking 5 years. I'll also have ptsd and I find I am more willing to tell people I have that and not schizo effective. That one I keep to myself, and only a few friends. Because there is still so much stigma regarding that. So that's my preference and my choice..

[iheartreading]

I get where you're coming from. I had the same issue when I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. I on the other hand did go off my meds and had a huge relapse. I have traumatic and embarassing memories of me when I was psychotic. The embarassment is enought to keep me on my meds and not go off them again. However, even though I know I have this disorder; acceptance was not easy. I struggle with it daily but as time passes I've noticed that I've stopped worrying about the diagnosis and I'm just happy to be in the place where I am now even though getting there was not a smooth ride. I hope you find peace with your diagnosis as well and my suggestion to anyone is never go off you meds without consulting your doctor.

I laughed when I was diagnoised. and continue to laugh. I will not accept I have this disorder.

[Goldcrest]

My psychiatrist couldn't decide if I have bipolar or schizoaffective disorder, but I note in the last few reports to my GP she says 'chronic schizoaffective disorder' so I guess that is the current diagnosis.

However I am not taking any drugs for it. Firstly the drugs I have tried have had very bad side effects, mostly without helping me. Antipsychotics did help but have permanently damaged me. Now I am scared to try any other drugs.

I would rather be taking something. I am very depressed at the moment, and I get psychosis with depression. I am mildly psychotic now and very scared it will get worse. Just don't know what to do. Am researching other methods of dealing with psychosis.

[mdmcaf]

Acceptance is a hard thing to get to. When I was first diagnosed I refused treatment, I liked to think I could handle it on my own and I didn't want to take any Western medicine, I thought I could make do with supplements. It's a rough road to get there, but it's worth it.

I've been dealing with Schizoaffective Disorder for over 7 years now and it does get easier to accept it. I've found myself getting into this sort of groove, where I'm used to taking my pills twice a day every day with PRN as needed, where I've accepted my limitations and restrictions, and where I've become disciplined (most days) in handling my illness. It takes a long time to figure out just how the illness affects you, because it affects everyone differently.

I urge you to keep taking the pills - pill rebellions can have devastating effects - mine landed me with multiple hospitalizations and 6 months worth of ECT - my life fell apart and I lost my job, my home, and my fiance. Like your doctor said - you're feeling better because the meds are working and you need to keep taking them so you continue to feel better. I also urge you to vent your frustrations, I think a lot of my pill rebellions were a result of me trying to act tough, of me trying to pretend like this terrible illness wasn't affecting me like it actually was.

Schizoaffective Disorder is, in many ways, a lot heavier to deal with than other illnesses - it puts you into a category where we're stigmatized and feared because of our culture's associations with such illnesses. It means that our entire way of thinking, our very perception of reality is altered, and that's a scary thing to have to confront.

Most people, including me, find that some days we accept the illness and are okay with it and other days we're seething with anger or overwhelmed with confusion about it. It's perfectly okay to oscillate between any feeling you might have about the illness.

I had a couple of diagnoses before I was finally diagnosed with schizoaffective. Being diagnosed at the very beginning was difficult. I refused to take any meds and lived off of them for a couple of years. Big mistake. Now, it's easier to accept because I don't want to go back to how I was. But I still have my doubts and want to stop taking meds because I don't want a chronic mental illness. Then I remember how bad I really was and rethink things.

I cant bring myself to take medicaion anymore. ive had similar expirences with medication as far as it having side effects without any help really. when the meds work, I feel fake. I always end up going off. ive been off of them for 6 years now. and I was diagnoised schizoaffective when I was 17, im now 26. I know im casebook schizoaffective, I want to accept I have a mental illness, but it brings me back to this weak thing, like i am weak or using it as an excuse or a crutch. im dealing, but im definately having a hard time. my problem is im trying to find someone who can relate and not disappear. seems non existant so far. "/
also, I believe im gifted not delusional or going into psychosis. and of course I believe psychiatry is a giant scam.

[medicalfox]

I've accepted it. I went off meds because I believed they were placebos then had a suicide attempt from being too delusional and psychotic, but I survived and was hospitalized for awhile. I don't try to think about "wow I'm very mentally ill", but think about how strong I am to cope with this illness and pursue a college education. I found that struggling to accept/deny your illness and seeing how negative it impacts you really drags you down and doesn't let you be meet your full potential.

[insilence]

blue bird, try my external blocking methods using objects with high carbon levels like weedblock fabric on windows along with coal tar soap on windshield sun block material. i have found they program to resonate along with air moving or water running sounds. the also can amplify low frequency sounds to resonate into your brain or room. deny them access to the frequencies by trying different materials. For me wax, coal tar soap, reflectors, weedblock, and other things have proven that my voices are technological and bio matching to create a form of manipulation and control.

[avlady]

Ive been diagnosed since 1984, rebelled the whole way until i ended up in the hospital pshyc ward several times. I have accepted my diagnoses finally after about over 20 med changes and i found one clonazapam, which iv been on for 2 years now

[roseblossom]

I haven't accepted it. Initially I had a breakdown due to an overwhelming amount of stress and then was diagnosed with psychotic depression for a long time. Eventually they switched the diagnosis to schizoaffective disorder. I think that the meds can possibly cause just as many problems as they may seem to alleviate. Because of being on them I became hugely overweight and diabetic - with next to no chance now of meeting anybody, not to mention having memory problems and other side-effects. I think in my case they have been very damaging - I feel unwell most days. I have lowered the dose from what it was.

I know of another woman who also had a number of psychotic breakdowns and she came off the antipsychotic as soon as she got home and just about managed to keep herself safe - she had psychosis from time to time and she had therapy, eventually got well and now she works full-time in nursing and is absolutely fine and believes that she got better because she avoided the drugs.

There is scientific evidence now that many people recover better without meds, but I know that many people would say that meds have helped them.

I wish that I had just been kept safe while I was unwell, without being forcibly drugged - I wasn't a danger to anyone - I was just scared.

I'm not judging other people for choosing to take them - I just wish I had had a choice.

I believe that in Open Dialogue which is in Finland and now several other countries, people are given a choice.