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mmmt91993
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Default Apr 26, 2017 at 08:08 PM
  #1
So, I have been diagnosed bipolar since I was in high school. I am now in my mid twenties, and was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder about a year ago, (which was inevitable, because schizophrenia runs in my family.) Anyways, I have always had problems functioning in society. In elementary school I used to literally run out of school during the middle of the day and run home. In high school I would just never go to school. I got my associates degree ONLINE so I wouldn't have to actually go to school. I feel nervous in public, and have panic attacks all day. I feel like everyone is staring at me, or talking about me. When I get too worked up it gets my voices going, and I feel like everyone around me can hear them and that freaks me out more.

I have been employed on and off for the past 10 years. I have never kept a job longer than a year, and the only job I was able to keep for a year I was fired from. I just started a new job 3 weeks ago working as an auditor at a hotel. Last night, before I even left for work, I knew it was going to be a rough night. I was dreading it all day, and started having a panic attack 20 minutes before I had to leave. This triggered my voices, which were telling me that if I went to work I was going to die. I had my fiancé drive me to work, because I knew that if I drove myself I wouldn't go, I would just run away like I always do. But that didn't even work. I panicked the whole ride, and could not stop crying, and right before we were about to turn into the parking lot I started screaming at him to take me home.

So here I am, at home, hating myself because I did a no call no show on ANOTHER job, (this has to be the 20th time AT LEAST!) I haven't looked at my phone all day long because I don't want to read everyone's texts and voicemails asking me where I am and if I'm ok. What do I do? I have tried so many coping methods, NOTHING helps! And I've been going through this since I was 5 years old. It's physically exhausting me. Last week I slept a total of 25 hours in 2 days because I could not stay awake. I am currently on Latuda, Depakote, and Xanax as needed. I have tried a multitude of meds, (Prozac, Zoloft, seroquil, amiben, Ativan, lithium, etc.) but they only ever work temporarily. My tolerance builds up so quickly, and for this reason I've gotten physically addicted to Benzos before, and I am NOT willing to put myself through that again. HELP!!!!!
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Heart Apr 27, 2017 at 10:16 PM
  #2

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Default Apr 28, 2017 at 08:37 AM
  #3
Sorry you are having this trouble. I also have schizoaffective and I am not capable of handling a full time job right now. I also am not a candidate for disability because I'm able to work part time and they say you can't usually get disability if you're working at the time you apply. I've left work screaming and crying, been pulled over by the cops and had to have my husband come pick me up, etc.

One of my part time jobs is alone at night cleaning offices and it's not a paid-by-hour position so that helps a lot. I can just go as slowly as I need to and I don't have the added pressure of people around me. The other job I recently got, and it's a lot more stressful for me because it's working around people. But it's only a few hours per week so I am managing so far. I am a little concerned that it's not going to work out but I'm trying to stay positive.

I know how you feel, being around people stresses me out way more and the stress of it exacerbates my problems. I also got my degree online. When I'm in a busy environment I start to feel like everyone is out to get me, I hear secret messages in all of the conversation around me, and I panic. Wearing sunglasses helps me cope but I don't think I am able to do that in my current work environment.

Is disability an option for you? If you've had a lot of trouble keeping jobs in the past you might have success with your application.
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Default May 07, 2017 at 05:06 PM
  #4
I hope you have a support system with a keen awareness of your illness(es). Frustration with and judgements of your actions are burdens you do not need on top of everything else.

I second the Disability suggestion--realizing it's not an answer anyone wants, but becomes a necessity at some point for many. Applying for Disability does not mean you will never be self-sufficient again.

While there ARE no concrete answers, it is common sense to conclude that every step in the direction of eliminating worry/anxiety is a step in the right direction.

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* Of course I'm out of my mind; it's dark and scary in there!

* SO, apparently rock bottom has a basement.

* Sometimes I wrestle with my demons; sometimes we just snuggle.
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Default May 08, 2017 at 07:58 AM
  #5
My heart just breaks for you. You are so young....you should be enjoying life instead of wrestling all this. It's not fair but with treatment, medications, a strong support system and some self compassion you will make it through this difficult time. I agree with the above poster about considering disability. Like they said, it doesn't have to be a permanent solution. I have to believe there is a way to gain more stability via treatment and the other things I mentioned. Please be kind to yourself young one. I know how dark it seems right now, how deep the hole is that you are in but there is hope. I wish I could hug you right now. Please take care.
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