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Seaboard2020
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Default Dec 02, 2020 at 05:57 PM
  #1
Hi there, I have met a girl who told me on our first date that she is schizo-affective. I was not concerned and didn't feel like that should be a reason as to why we should stop talking. We connected on an intellectual and creative level sharing our love of books and art film. The first date went well but the next couple of days became strange to me. Now, I'm very new to Schizo-affective disorder and I'm extremely understanding and compassionate. I'm eager to learn what I can in order to know how to be supportive while still being respectful and allowing her to be her own person. I am going to describe the next few days from an uneducated perspective and end with what I have learned from reading material online and watching videos on YouTube of people with the condition.

We went on a second date later that week and I noticed she was withdrawn, quiet, and extremely distant. We sat next to each other and didn't speak and when I brought up topics to discuss she gave one word answers. I asked if everything was okay and she stated she had something on her mind. I said okay. The night progressed and I felt rejected and as if she didn't want to be there. I asked numerous times thoughout the night what she was thinking about and it was answered everytime with a response I didn't expect, such as, "I need more vape juice" or "I am looking forward to reading when I go home". I became deflated. It was as if she was not there and was a completely different person from who she was on our first date. She was still receptive to me holding her hand and we exchanged kisses. I thought it was me and she was just ready to go home. A few times when I mentioned topics to talk about she would respond sharply with a "No." Or a slightly insulting comment. I ended the date abruptly, and drove her home.

On the ride home I stated that she had been distant all night and the tension was very thick. I asked if she wanted to hit me because I felt she was annoyed with me. She said no, but that we are on different wavelengths and that I didn't let her just be herself. She said she just wanted to go home and read her books and I was stressing her out. I said okay, well we can go our separate ways. I dropped her off and I have been left with so many questions that I turned to the internet to learn more about schizo-affective.

I have learned that there is a "flat affect" and people can become distant, emotionless, and withdrawn. I have learned that there are voices that can combat with a person while they are attempting to do basic actions. I have learned that stress can be a trigger to an episode.

I am now hurt and dissapointed with myself for not putting two and two together but I did not know of these additional side effects. She takes medication. She has told me her last boyfriend ever things due to her having an episode.

My question is pretty deep and I want to do the right thing. I have not spoken with her in 5 days, and I want to reach out and apologize stating I've done some research and I believe I misinterpreted her actions. I don't know if it will be recieved in a friendly manner, if I will cause more stress by contacting her again since we agreed to go our separate ways, or if this is the begging of an episode. If it is the beginning of an episode, I want to help and be there but at the same time I do not know her that well so I fear I may trigger delusions in her where she would think I'm something I'm not. I also do not want to act as if I am someone in her life when I'm not causing her to be more upset with me. Should I call? Should I text? Should I wait for her to reach out? Should I call in a few weeks? I only want to apologise and work to move forward learning what I can about this and what I am allowed and not allowed to do given that I am new person in her life.

Thank you in advance
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Default Dec 03, 2020 at 12:03 PM
  #2
It sounds like you are a very caring person.


I don't know exactly what you should do but if you feel like reaching out, then reach out. She will either accept it or she may be withdrawn still. Still for me, as a person with Schizoaffective disorder--depressed type, I am always happy when people reach out to me, even if I can't express it well at the time. If I am going through something I usually sleep a lot. That is how I withdraw. I don't talk a lot even when I have something to say. Sometimes I still hear voices, like yesterday, even with medication. Sometimes I see visual hallucinations too. Some are benign but others are frightening. It depends how I react to them. Sometimes they are just annoying me but I'm still focused on them and not so focused on what is real that is going on around me. Other times I am able to ignore them better but I still may not be fully able to concentrate on what is going on around me that is real because the hallucinations they seem so real.


I have delusions sometimes but they aren't about other people. Sometimes I do get paranoia though. I don't know if she will get any delusions about you.


I think you know, if you are interested in her, then try to reach out. If you aren't that interested in her, then don't make it more painful and just go your own way. It is nice that you want to help her if she is in the beginning of an episode. Sometimes episodes last a long time, just so you know.


Hope this helps a little. Kit

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Seaboard2020
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Default Dec 04, 2020 at 01:21 PM
  #3
Hi Kit,

Thanks for the reply. Im glad that you get happy when people reach out to you. I think someone just calling to check up on someone means allot. I decided to reach out to her and call. I didn't get ahold of her but I left a message. She called me back later but I missed her call and then I called her back yesterday. She didn't pick up. I haven't recieved a call back yet so I'm gonna give it one more shot then go about my way. If she doesn't pick up then I can only hope she's doing well. This has been an eye opening experience for me and I will continue to learn what I can. I do not want to be unprepared and uneducated the next time I meet someone with SA disorder.
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Default Jan 17, 2021 at 01:09 AM
  #4
hey seaboard. well, thanks for putting in the effort to understand and know more about people like us with schizoaffective disorder. one thing you have to remember is were "person before illness," because it's easy to slip up into playing the part of wanting to help too much, we just want to have a good date or read a book too. we're very normal with some extra challenges. just wanted to make sure you remember not to over-step and begin figuring us out with regard to our illness.

you're obviously a good guy. just like dating with anyone we're just trying to have fun and make a connection. it's ok to have questions and i commend you coming here asking them. try an remember we're just dates like any other person.

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Default Feb 01, 2021 at 04:59 PM
  #5
Thanks for sharing

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