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SQLVR
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Default Mar 12, 2021 at 04:08 PM
  #1
Hi everyone,
I am super embarrassed to be writing this, but my therapist said reaching out might help me shed some of the shame I feel.
I have affective psychosis and sometimes my state of mind gets so bad that I lose connection to my body, which can lead to bathroom accidents at times. This has put a strain on my family relationships as they are my caretakers and sometimes have to change and clean me if I am unable to take care of myself. I feel bad for this and disgusting even though I know it is not my fault. I have been doing well lately and only have accidents at night now, but I am still ashamed and sad at my condition.
How can I overcome feeling guilty over something I can’t control?
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Smile Mar 12, 2021 at 08:43 PM
  #2
Thanks for sharing this. As a person who also experiences incontinence I have some understanding of how you feel. And I appreciate how difficult it was for you to share it. I think your therapist was wise in suggesting you reach out. There are probably millions of people worldwide who experience incontinence for various reasons. You are very far from being alone. And coming to realize this, I think, is comforting in-&-of itself. There are even individuals who wish to be incontinent and / or choose to be voluntarily incontinent, again, for various reasons.

I don't know anything about you or your situation other than what you wrote here. So it's possible anything I write may be completely off the mark. If so, please forgive me. With that thought in mind, though, the first thing I would say is that taking as much control of your incontinence as possible is the first step in lessening the guilt & shame you feel. Believe me everyone, or at least almost everyone, who experiences incontinence goes through a period of guilt & shame over it. But many are able to find their way past this over time. You can too.

The first most basic way of taking control of your incontinence is to find & use an incontinence product(s) appropriate to your needs. We are fortunate, nowadays, to have available a wide range of very effective incontinence products. Some can be purchased at your local pharmacy or even supermarket although the best ones are mostly sold on-line. (There are even alarm systems for use overnight.) Yes, your caregivers may still have to change and clean you to some extent. But the more you can do to take charge of your issues yourself, and minimize the amount of cleaning & changing your caregivers have to do, the better you will feel about the situation. At least that's my perspective.

Beyond that my personal opinion is that guilt & shame, whatever it's cause, is best addressed with acceptance. I believe in DBT they refer to it as "radical acceptance", if I'm not mistaken. However there's a Buddhist practice I'm personally fond of: "compassionate abiding". Here's a link to a mental-health-oriented description of the practice:

Relieve Distress By Allowing It: Compassionate Abiding 101 | Mindset: Perspective Is Everything

So these are my recommendations (for what they're worth) for overcoming the guilt & shame you feel over your incontinence:

1. Develop an understanding of the fact you are far from alone. Many people experience incontinence in various forms.

2. Find ways to take as much control as you can. Your caregivers should be able to help you with this. This will also help to minimize the amount of work your caregivers have to do.

3. Cultivate radical acceptance of your condition. (If you haven't already done so, & you feel you can, it may be helpful to express to your caregivers how you feel.)

My best wishes to you.
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Default Mar 12, 2021 at 10:55 PM
  #3
Quote:
Originally Posted by Skeezyks View Post
Thanks for sharing this. As a person who also experiences incontinence I have some understanding of how you feel. And I appreciate how difficult it was for you to share it. I think your therapist was wise in suggesting you reach out. There are probably millions of people worldwide who experience incontinence for various reasons. You are very far from being alone. And coming to realize this, I think, is comforting in-&-of itself. There are even individuals who wish to be incontinent and / or choose to be voluntarily incontinent, again, for various reasons.

I don't know anything about you or your situation other than what you wrote here. So it's possible anything I write may be completely off the mark. If so, please forgive me. With that thought in mind, though, the first thing I would say is that taking as much control of your incontinence as possible is the first step in lessening the guilt & shame you feel. Believe me everyone, or at least almost everyone, who experiences incontinence goes through a period of guilt & shame over it. But many are able to find their way past this over time. You can too.

The first most basic way of taking control of your incontinence is to find & use an incontinence product(s) appropriate to your needs. We are fortunate, nowadays, to have available a wide range of very effective incontinence products. Some can be purchased at your local pharmacy or even supermarket although the best ones are mostly sold on-line. (There are even alarm systems for use overnight.) Yes, your caregivers may still have to change and clean you to some extent. But the more you can do to take charge of your issues yourself, and minimize the amount of cleaning & changing your caregivers have to do, the better you will feel about the situation. At least that's my perspective.

Beyond that my personal opinion is that guilt & shame, whatever it's cause, is best addressed with acceptance. I believe in DBT they refer to it as "radical acceptance", if I'm not mistaken. However there's a Buddhist practice I'm personally fond of: "compassionate abiding". Here's a link to a mental-health-oriented description of the practice:

Relieve Distress By Allowing It: Compassionate Abiding 101 | Mindset: Perspective Is Everything

So these are my recommendations (for what they're worth) for overcoming the guilt & shame you feel over your incontinence:

1. Develop an understanding of the fact you are far from alone. Many people experience incontinence in various forms.

2. Find ways to take as much control as you can. Your caregivers should be able to help you with this. This will also help to minimize the amount of work your caregivers have to do.

3. Cultivate radical acceptance of your condition. (If you haven't already done so, & you feel you can, it may be helpful to express to your caregivers how you feel.)

My best wishes to you.
Thank you so much! You gave some great advice. I am working on being more independent and relying less on caregivers as I am in an ok place at the moment.
My family gets briefs and absorbent bed pads through Medicaid which I am grateful for. I would like to be able not to need them in public as they are bulky and hard to hide.
I think you are right about acceptance. I need to work on accepting my situation and need for care even if I am not happy with it.
I hope what I wrote made sense and again, thank you for being so kind.
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Default Mar 18, 2021 at 09:22 PM
  #4
I also wanted to let you know you are not alone. I have incontinence as a side effect of a med that makes me sleep so soundly I don't wake up in time. I wear heavier pads at night. I used to need them during the day and found a brand (Always) had thin ones that didn't show. I was allergic to them and found I didn't really need them but it might help you to try to find thinner pads for the day. Some of them hold a lot of urine. If it's not much at all I used to have patients (elderly women) who used period pads; I'm not sure how well that worked but I don't remember them being wet or smelly so apparently it did.

Please let me know if I can help you in any way.

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Default Mar 21, 2021 at 05:09 PM
  #5
I don't have incontinence, but I have extremely frequent urination due to med side effect. Sometimes I feel like having to pee runs my life. Anyway, I'm posting on your thread because I want to mention that there are a number of people on this forum who live with incontinence. You are definitely not alone here.

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