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Default May 11, 2021 at 12:43 PM
  #1
I would always sit in my room alone. I had no care in the world that I was being lonely. It didn't clue in. I just thought I was introverted, or didn't have the energy to do anything. I have Schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type, and in November 2019, the hospital release forms said (MRE: Manic). So scary.

After being diagnosed, I thought about mocking the doctors who tried to give me the diagnosis. How obtuse? It was all alone and by myself. And I ain't ever going to try that again. This new psychiatrist seems to have opened my very eyes to the fact that they help people. Just by saying, "Peace". I feel clearer now than I have felt my entire life. If I would have been open to all the possibilities in the air and what they threw at me, maybe I would not be sort of floundering according to myself.

I had this 'double standard' on the doctors: HELP ME ALL YOU CAN SO I CAN GET SO MUCH BETTER, then I thought: YOU'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO HELP BE BECAUSE I AIN'T SICK AT ALL. So arrogant. They see these things all the time. I was never in a right state to be obviously obtuse with them. So that means there was never any real meat to what I was saying.

I had my first break from reality (that went diagnosed) in 2013. I was living obliviously to the rules of adulthood. Feeling comforted by the doctors since that last appointment. Oh man does it seem to sink in that I needed help.

Psychosis is a break from reality. And I think I can comply with the doctors to make sure that I can function totally in the world. I really want to make it in this world. Be something to someone rather than a ragdoll in her room stewing over made up **** that does not even seem real to even herself.
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Default May 11, 2021 at 02:34 PM
  #2
@Brego welcome to MSF My Support Forums. I am sorry you have suffered from mania. But I am glad you are working with professionals to help you.

Try not to be too judgmental of yourself when you are manic. The symptoms of mania as I have read are believing I am invincible and I am not sick.

These may be of interest
Mania | Psychology Today

Schizoaffective Disorder | Psychology Today

Feel free to reply here and tag me so I get a reminder @CANDC

Lifestyle changes, although not a cure, can help stabilize emotions in my experience. Some of the things that help me are exercise, mindfulness, yoga, healthy diet and support groups where others with similar symptoms. For example DBSA offers these online Zoom Support groups Group Profile: Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance | Support Groups Central or if that long link does not work try this Group Profile: Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance | Support Groups Central

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Default May 12, 2021 at 11:27 AM
  #3
@Brego welcome. You are not alone. I have Schizoaffective depressed type. I've in in the hospital too. It probably saved my life. Now I see an outpatient therapist and a psychiatrist and soon I will have a case manager (temporarily) for a little while. I am looking forward to that. I hope you find support here. HUGS if okay, Kit

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Default May 12, 2021 at 02:09 PM
  #4
@SlumberKitty thank you very much. I have a hard time fitting in anywhere. And I will not take for granted the good, humble wishes of a right-now stranger. It seems like I've gone through some ringer. I need a little comfort and talk from someone who has been there. Some wise and understanding person who only has goodness in their heart to wish me well.
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Default May 13, 2021 at 11:44 AM
  #5
@Brego, this forum is a little slow but a lot of us who have schizoaffective disorder also hang out on the Schizophrenia forum. You might try there. There's a roll call post that you can just jump into and talk about anything that is on your mind.


I have a hard time fitting in too. I am finding as I am getting older that it is not as hard though. I volunteer once a month at a food bank and everyone is happy to see me. I am able to work and I don't stick out like a sore thumb too much at work. It helps that I mostly work by myself in my office.


I'm sorry it feels like you've gone through the ringer. Mental health treatment and mental health issues can do that to a person, from my own experience. I hope that you will talk here more and begin to feel as though you are not alone on this journey called life. There's several of us who have been there, and are still there and are just making it day to day.


HUGS my friend, if okay, Kit

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Default May 15, 2021 at 03:38 PM
  #6
Thank you so much. I am looking forward to getting the ball rolling. I find it really enticing to be well again. Or at least to reach a stable point. I think I can, I think I can. And there are always things that happen that provide the entire world to be over again. Then I mess up. I need to learn what exactly is a trigger that makes me so unwell. I need to really think about it in my history with this disorder. A trigger is a thing that makes me feel bad in the context of my illness. It means this thing or that thing affects me to be in a bad spot. I need to recollect all these things. (Excuse the language but I thought that was a common way to put it).

Anyway, I'm trying to not dwell on the moments because that makes it worse. Carry on, carry on. I think now that tea is sort of bad for me. But anyway, the doctor really saved the day when she said Infused Water with fruit 'seasoning'. I have a stupid habit of drinking water and tea and coffee and soda all day long. I find it hard not to call myself an alcoholic when I don't drink at all. Not a single drop. I feel dehydrated. My 'inner voice' says I'm one wicked abuser of all sorts of things. But let's not dwell on that either.

I think that I'm coming into my own and I like it. People are helpful.
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Default May 21, 2021 at 03:48 PM
  #7
Hi welcome I'm schizoaffective bipolar type also. My therapist is trying to get me to realize my triggers too. It's hard. PM me if you want to.

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Default May 22, 2021 at 04:12 PM
  #8
@Miguel'smom that's awesome! Once we all seem to understand ourselves, it all get's so much better.

I think that today, I've been so excited just to try being with people. Trying to be around them. I am so in love with the human race today. And that never happens. It's pretty. Life is such a pretty thing. It's not even small. I think that I should carry this sentiment to become a happy person. It would be so wonderful to love it all the time.
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Default Jun 14, 2021 at 08:00 AM
  #9
I think of my pets as therapy animals. Animals help to sort of get through it all. I have four cats. Miracle makers. So glad that we have them from my sister, and there is a wildcat from outdoors. Spending time with them seems to dissipate away at the negative things. The feelings of being alone. I like their touch to me. They are so cute and adorable. They are nice to see play and have fun. And so it makes me happy when I get to watch them. I am even happier when one lets me touch it. They give off a sense of well-being to me that is kind of oxytocin secretion. And I don't know what I'm saying, but they love me and I love them. So glad to have them. My Dad seems to love them too. I believe they are so good to me. They are welcoming. It's as if they really are my friends. And so I love my cats. They just give off good vibes. Mine do.
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Default Jun 15, 2021 at 02:41 PM
  #10
I love cats too Brego. I have two cats. A black and white one named Helen and a white and tawny colored one named Amelia. They make me happy!

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Default Jun 15, 2021 at 06:35 PM
  #11
@SlumberKitty, I'm so thankful they make you so happy! Cats are wonderous. And sometimes I think they may be sentient. That is just my thought though.

I seem to be concentrating on angels so often. I think it's because I would love them to help me reach a stable point. A stable point would be so wonderful to be at. They supposedly help one and all. I should know because I went to Catholic schools. But anyway, it is just wonderful to form your thoughts about something based on what you read and then it goes to your imagination.
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Default Jun 15, 2021 at 10:24 PM
  #12
My world is opening up so much!! I think again. My world is opening up for a great future that makes me wish to scream outside and have some fun at just shouting some blither.
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Default Jun 17, 2021 at 02:49 PM
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I walked in with believing that my life was a TV show that I did not sign up for. On par with The Truman Show with Jim Carrey in it. My thoughts really haven't drifted from that. But they are clearing up. So suddenly. And it's been about a week and a half. I couldn't help but say I was doing better on the Social Security forms. I hope it stays that way. It just sprung on me when I picked up L&M's Turkish Blend 100's to smoke. There are so many times that it should be there and it isn't. A prayer answered or something. Everything is coming my way. And I think everything is in it's right place. I am so happy that I could just savor the moments alone. And it is such a game to it.
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Default Jun 24, 2021 at 05:44 PM
  #14
My doctor told me that with this disorder, there is elevated dopamine in the brain. I wondered how that worked because I don't seem like I'm happy. Dopamine is the happiness neurotransmitter in the blood. And I smoke cigarettes which opens up the dopamine receptors of the brain. I must be getting more sunlight and dopamine in my brain than anyone. The amount that I smoke. I also read a Schizophrenia book that said the same thing. I am curious what effects elevated dopamine alone had. If there is an incapacitation.
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Default Aug 12, 2021 at 11:55 AM
  #15
I wait for the feelings to go away now. The feelings that someone is watching me that I feel in my body. It's all supposedly, "The gut feelings" gone awry. Is there some sort of intuition that states, "You will feel this physically and we will tell you how it all is in this situation." So, it's severe indigestion, right? These bodily feelings that someone is watching me is caused by what I consume to eat. It's an overwhelming sense of, "I know something is happening" and "I know what it is." And it is just running amok every day for long streaks of time.

I think I should be more open to my doctors. No-brainer, silly. I feel like I should tell myself, "Remember the diagnosis definitions, because that is definitely happening to you." I need to see a therapist. But I have this desire to do this in person and the virus cut me, as well as everyone else at the knees. Because I really do not wish to do this online. And I haven't asked the doctor who prescribes my medications yet if they are doing therapy in the clinic. I am in a thick spot some people might say.

But when I try to reach out to people, it is really a good time for me.
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