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Burnthehero
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Default Dec 31, 2022 at 07:42 PM
  #1
At 19 I went into my depression. First psychotic break at 20, released from hospital on 21st birthday. Took the meds for like 2 or 3 months then stopped. Everything improved after that somewhat. Little over 2 years I got of chaotic abuse that I consider close to normalcy as ive seen in a while.

Then on my 24th birthday I got hospitilized again.... this time it was much worse. I didnt respond to the nedication well and ive been stuck in it ever since. Ive been trying to get off the second i started it just to fail everytime. No jobs, no hobbies other than non productive and non paying ones. Picked up smokong, then just this past month ive been drinking more than ever. The more i try to climb out my pit the deeper i end up in it.

I stopped my antidepressant and im not getting my next injection on the 3rd of jan. Im just done.
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Yaowen
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Default Jan 01, 2023 at 07:20 PM
  #2
I am so very, very sorry you are suffering. It is just utterly heartbreaking what you have been through.

It is unbelievably discouraging to experience medication failures and just at the time when one is at one's weakest. But I hope you will not give up.

Not sure how much meds you have tried but there are many kinds and many medications in each category.

Have you tried any kind of psychotherapy?

One of the hallmarks of depression is that it gets one stuck in a "could be better but isn't better" frame of mind. This is often the result of pathology in the brain, pathology which generates this endless thought stream of negativity about oneself and others, things and events, past, present and future.

A person lucky enough not to be afflicted with the horror of depression can balance the "could be better but isn't better" frame of mind with the "could be worse, but isn't worse" frame mind.

Of an person . . . of any event or thing . . . of any time or situation one can equally say: "could be better but isn't better" or "could be worse but isn't worse."

But these two thought streams generate very different emotions, thoughts and moods. The "could be better but isn't better" thought stream engenders feelings and moods of sadness, of anger, of guilt, of frustration, or irritation, of hopelessness.

It would be strange if this way of looking at things didn't generate such feelings and emotions.

Normally one can also see oneself, see others, see events and situations, see the past, the present and the future with a different set of eyes, namely: "Wow things could be worse, much worse, but thankfully they are not worse."

I could be a worse person but am not a worse person. I could have done worse things in my past but didn't do these worse things.
I could be doing worse things right now but am not doing them. I could do worse things in the future but most probably won't do them. I could have had worse things happen to me but they didn't happen.

The people in my life and in the world could be worse, but are not worse.

I mean, think of Hitler and Stalin who took the lives of tens of millions of men, women and children through genocide and forced starvation.

Most people have never done anything as bad as that or will do so. So I, you and most others could be worse but are not worse.

This way of looking at things generates different thoughts, feelings and moods, such as appreciation, feeling lucky, gratitude, joy of living, peace of mind.

I could be the victim of a kidnapping by a psychopathic sadist and suffer horrible violence.

I could be in West Africa suffering from the Ebola virus. I could have the kind of last stage cancer for which even the best pain medications do not work. I could be on fire.

I could be stuck in the Sahara desert, lost and with no food and water.

I could be completely paralyzed. My grandfather was completely paralyzed and all he could do was release tears from his eyes.

The problem is that depression often involves brain pathology for which medication is required and some medications don't work for some people.

But there are many treatments: Tricyclic antidepressants, MAO Inhibitors, Tetracyclic antidepressants, specific antidepressants that target mostly dopamine in the brain or norepinephrine or serotonin. There are atypical antidepressants. There are new antidepressants that work in totally different ways that the others.

There are genetic tests that predict which antidepressants will work best for which people.

Trauma of any kind can cause the brain to be over-exposed to stress hormones.

And over exposure to stress hormones has been shown to be linked in some to pathology in the brain: loss of mass, volume and density of certain regions of the brain through atrophy, loss of protective glia cells, dysfunctionally reduced regional cerebral blood flow and energy utilization [glucose metabolism].

Brain cell damage can be seen at the microscopic level in atrophy of brain dendrites.

All these chemical and anatomical changes are pathology and not related to normal brain aging.

And they cause things to happen in the body and mind: sleep disturbances, weight disturbances, negative thought streams, low mood, hopelessness.

Psychotherapy can help in some case. In others, medication might be required.

Some psychiatric medications need to be taken for life just as epilepsy medications are taken for life or medications for Parkinson's disease are taken for life. They are not like medications which are taken just for a short duration.

There are some depressions severe enough that when psychiatric medication is terminated the brain regresses, the gains are lost.

In any case, I hope you will not write yourself or your life off. There is hope. Just battling against depression is incredibly heroic and admirable. And I admire you for it.

Please don't let your losses, as terrible as they are, be the last chapter of your life.

There was a very depressed individual in Germany in the 1930's. His life was marked by failures: business failures, relationship failures, personal failures.

But at some point he decided to become a Holocaust rescuer and saved the lives of thousands of people. Nobody care about his previous failures. He is a hero.

There is a homeless woman in my town who lives in a tent under a highway overpass.

But every day with the little of the money she gets by begging, she puts some in those charity boxes in gas stations and convenience stores.

She gives a little to the March of Dimes, to St. Jude Children's Hospital, to the Red Cross, to the Shriners Children's Hospital, to Doctors Without Borders.

In these small acts of charity she towers above her own misery. She shows the world that in spite of all her losses, she can still do good, that she is a person of great dignity and stature.

It is never too late to turn one's life around. Please don't completely lose hope.

I apologize to you if my words are not helpful. It is hard to know what to say to help. Sometimes even when we want to say the right thing we say the thing and make a person feel worse. And that is awful.

I sincerely that hope others here will see your post and respond to it with better words than my poor and empty words.

I hope and hope and hope against hope that you will keep going!
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Thanks for this!
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Default Jan 05, 2023 at 07:40 PM
  #3
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yaowen View Post
I am so very, very sorry you are suffering. It is just utterly heartbreaking what you have been through.

It is unbelievably discouraging to experience medication failures and just at the time when one is at one's weakest. But I hope you will not give up.

Not sure how much meds you have tried but there are many kinds and many medications in each category.

Have you tried any kind of psychotherapy?

One of the hallmarks of depression is that it gets one stuck in a "could be better but isn't better" frame of mind. This is often the result of pathology in the brain, pathology which generates this endless thought stream of negativity about oneself and others, things and events, past, present and future.

A person lucky enough not to be afflicted with the horror of depression can balance the "could be better but isn't better" frame of mind with the "could be worse, but isn't worse" frame mind.

Of an person . . . of any event or thing . . . of any time or situation one can equally say: "could be better but isn't better" or "could be worse but isn't worse."

But these two thought streams generate very different emotions, thoughts and moods. The "could be better but isn't better" thought stream engenders feelings and moods of sadness, of anger, of guilt, of frustration, or irritation, of hopelessness.

It would be strange if this way of looking at things didn't generate such feelings and emotions.

Normally one can also see oneself, see others, see events and situations, see the past, the present and the future with a different set of eyes, namely: "Wow things could be worse, much worse, but thankfully they are not worse."

I could be a worse person but am not a worse person. I could have done worse things in my past but didn't do these worse things.
I could be doing worse things right now but am not doing them. I could do worse things in the future but most probably won't do them. I could have had worse things happen to me but they didn't happen.

The people in my life and in the world could be worse, but are not worse.

I mean, think of Hitler and Stalin who took the lives of tens of millions of men, women and children through genocide and forced starvation.

Most people have never done anything as bad as that or will do so. So I, you and most others could be worse but are not worse.

This way of looking at things generates different thoughts, feelings and moods, such as appreciation, feeling lucky, gratitude, joy of living, peace of mind.

I could be the victim of a kidnapping by a psychopathic sadist and suffer horrible violence.

I could be in West Africa suffering from the Ebola virus. I could have the kind of last stage cancer for which even the best pain medications do not work. I could be on fire.

I could be stuck in the Sahara desert, lost and with no food and water.

I could be completely paralyzed. My grandfather was completely paralyzed and all he could do was release tears from his eyes.

The problem is that depression often involves brain pathology for which medication is required and some medications don't work for some people.

But there are many treatments: Tricyclic antidepressants, MAO Inhibitors, Tetracyclic antidepressants, specific antidepressants that target mostly dopamine in the brain or norepinephrine or serotonin. There are atypical antidepressants. There are new antidepressants that work in totally different ways that the others.

There are genetic tests that predict which antidepressants will work best for which people.

Trauma of any kind can cause the brain to be over-exposed to stress hormones.

And over exposure to stress hormones has been shown to be linked in some to pathology in the brain: loss of mass, volume and density of certain regions of the brain through atrophy, loss of protective glia cells, dysfunctionally reduced regional cerebral blood flow and energy utilization [glucose metabolism].

Brain cell damage can be seen at the microscopic level in atrophy of brain dendrites.

All these chemical and anatomical changes are pathology and not related to normal brain aging.

And they cause things to happen in the body and mind: sleep disturbances, weight disturbances, negative thought streams, low mood, hopelessness.

Psychotherapy can help in some case. In others, medication might be required.

Some psychiatric medications need to be taken for life just as epilepsy medications are taken for life or medications for Parkinson's disease are taken for life. They are not like medications which are taken just for a short duration.

There are some depressions severe enough that when psychiatric medication is terminated the brain regresses, the gains are lost.

In any case, I hope you will not write yourself or your life off. There is hope. Just battling against depression is incredibly heroic and admirable. And I admire you for it.

Please don't let your losses, as terrible as they are, be the last chapter of your life.

There was a very depressed individual in Germany in the 1930's. His life was marked by failures: business failures, relationship failures, personal failures.

But at some point he decided to become a Holocaust rescuer and saved the lives of thousands of people. Nobody care about his previous failures. He is a hero.

There is a homeless woman in my town who lives in a tent under a highway overpass.

But every day with the little of the money she gets by begging, she puts some in those charity boxes in gas stations and convenience stores.

She gives a little to the March of Dimes, to St. Jude Children's Hospital, to the Red Cross, to the Shriners Children's Hospital, to Doctors Without Borders.

In these small acts of charity she towers above her own misery. She shows the world that in spite of all her losses, she can still do good, that she is a person of great dignity and stature.

It is never too late to turn one's life around. Please don't completely lose hope.

I apologize to you if my words are not helpful. It is hard to know what to say to help. Sometimes even when we want to say the right thing we say the thing and make a person feel worse. And that is awful.

I sincerely that hope others here will see your post and respond to it with better words than my poor and empty words.

I hope and hope and hope against hope that you will keep going!
If I could add "double-thanks" to this I would!

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"Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it!”

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Default Jan 05, 2023 at 07:45 PM
  #4
And, to the OP, @Burnthehero, my sincerest wishes go to you for your healing. Whatever form that may take, the future will tell. I often don't know what to say to people who have gone through similar stuff as I have, but honestly, I have gone through similar stuff, didn't know how I was going to get out of it, and certain things help, and certain things don't help. But you will find your way, I am confident in you. Just the fact that you reached out on a site like this shows your commitment. Seriously. I didn't think anything of it when I reached out on a site like this back in 2014 (I was younger back then), and then I returned to this site later and I realized that it had made a profound impact on my life just to have reached out. I didn't even read people's posts at first, but even one little nugget of wisdom could help. Anyway, those are my thoughts.

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"Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it!”

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