I need to get this out

I have been sitting with this for a couple of weeks now, without any therapeutic support (one is MIA and the other is on vacation) and I need to get it out before it consumes me entirely.

I have been diagnosed with BPD and AvPD on separate occasions. I have read a lot about both of these, trying to understand what the diagnoses mean, and trying to see how they fit me. I do have a hard time socially, but not because I fear ridicule. And I do avoid a lot of social opportunities. I often attribute this to low self-esteem and lurking depression.

As for the BPD, that was first pegged to my forehead three and a half years ago when I decompensated and ended up in the short stay unit a couple of times. The behaviours that I exhibited when 'in extremis' fit the DSM list pretty well. But I have never had a problem with anger, and I do not have unstable relationships. And under normal circumstances I don't exhibit the other behaviours.

Getting to why this is posted in this forum, in reading about those two PD's I of course encountered some information about SPD. For a while now I have been thinking maybe the right label would be BPD with SPD features. (if there is such a thing!) But recently I read the 'Self-in-Exile' page referred to in another thread here. It all sounded painfully familiar. I then got a copy of the Disorders of the Self book in which SPD is discussed at length, form the "Masterson" perspective. I had it sent halfway across the country from a university library.

So, now I have found a complete description of my internal life. In black and white, in a book. Beginnning with the conditions in whch I was raised, and going through pretty well all of my emotional development, and on into an entire adult life trying to feel connnected, being afraid of intimacy and wanting to die so many times because of the conflict between those two. Even the way I struggle in therapy is described, including the fact that my therapist is usually a lifeline for me, the only semblance of a real connection I can handle.

I know it is not a good idea to self-diagnose, but I also know that no-one knows my life, my emotions, my struggle as well as I do. Except apparently the authors of this book. And in the end it is not about getting the label right. It is about feeling like I have finally found the reason why, in spite of trying and trying and trying to fix myself by any means I could think of (including exiling myself to a BUddhist monastery for three years), nothing has ever shifted. I remain as alone as ever, and in as much pain as ever. I have a myriad of defenses against awareness of that pain. The strongest of which has always been to just blame myself. There's something wrong with me, or I'm lazy, or a coward or some kind of grinch or whatever.

Today I know that my life fits a pattern that others have experienced, that it is not my fault. I suppose there is some measure of relief in this, but mostly it is very heartbreaking. And somehow frightening, as it seems I have a long long road ahead of me. And it really is a huge disaster that the therapist I had begun to trust has been torn away from me. And I don't know how to begin to talk to any of the three non-professional people I have tenuous connections to about this. I keep ending up locked in my room with the lights out, curled up on the bed, waiting for help to arrive. I needed to get this out somewhere where someone might understand. Sorry it's such a long post. I hope it makes sense.

(((((ripley))))))

isn't it a relief when we find something that just speaks to us on such a personal level so well? i agree that you shouldn't self-diagnose, but i relate very strongly to having found out about certain conditions and having felt pure relief that other ppl could understand my pain.

you seem to have a fair amount of insight into your pattern of behavior - want intimacy, scared to get it, self harm through self-blame, shut yourself away from the world until you're desperate and need someone to be a lifeline and reach out to you.

yes, it may well be a long road ahead of you. but you have also been in a monastery for 3 years!! to me, that shows you have the patience, wisdom and strength to grow and get through this. and i also feel that, with appropriate support, that you should start reaping benefits a lot earlier than 3 years time. already you've identified your relief in finding this, and are starting to let go of some of your self-blame.

when is your therapist back from holiday? you can always post here for support.

i was also wondering if maybe a support group of sorts would be useful for you? it would be a supportive environment in which you would meet other ppl, but also be allowed to make 'mistakes' and such without fear of repercussion. and, it would be something you had to commit to, so you could start to break the pattern of isolation you put yourself through.

Thanks deliquesce,

I see my my replacement therapist on Sept 17th. Seems like a long way off. I do have a support group that I attend, but it is around eating disorders, so I wouldn't feel comfortable talking about this stuff. But I can at least talk in general terms about how I am doing. It meets on Mondays, so again a bit of a gap due to labour day.
I think I need to stop thinking about this and find ways to distract myself. If I can find the energy to leave the house that is...

do you have a garden? i've found that at least sitting in the sun is better than sitting on my bed.

I also have looked at schizoid pretty closely. Check out "Psychotherapy of the Schizoid Process" by Gary Yontef. It's a PDF file online and is a lecture he gave @ "99. Good luck. Don't wait to reach out until there is only one tenuous line to connect with the rest of us.

Thanks ratanddragon

I did read that article. All I can say is "Yes, that is me" At least I know what the problem has always been now. It is pretty hard to solve a problem when one does not know what it is. Not for lack of trying though...I feel very sad for myself when I think about how long and how hard I have fought against this invisible enemy. It seems I am not a bad, failed human being after all. Just a badly hurt and damaged one. Here's to finding the help I need to heal.

Thanks again to the two who responded. I felt energetic enough to do some overdue cleaning this afternoon. And now I am going for a walk in the park. It is good to feel listened to.

Look at it this way, if you actually are in the grips of a PD, it was a childhood coping mechanism that has outlived its usefulness and has run amok. You needed it at one time. I don't know where I fit on this stuff either, but a lot of Masterson and the "Self in Exile" patterns make sense to me viscerally.

Hello Ripley. I looked for the Self in Exile page and couldn't find it.

I don't think that having Schizoid P/D is so bad (but of course a schizoid would feel this way!). Just because we tend to be loners and disdainful of phony social games does not make us bad people. Indeed, I think that schizoids are really just radically authentic people who have a talent for 'being real' in a plastic society that fears honesty.

Schizoids don't have many close relationships (face-to-face anyway), but they are intensely loyal and 'deep' with the few they do manage to have.

Schizoids have a marked tendency to isolate, so watch that. I think of it as 'insolating' because I go deep within myself for long periods of time. I think that this site is perfect for schizoid people who desire 'close' yet 'safely distant' relationships. For example, if I have more than 3 physical friends in my life at any one time, I feel overwhelmed and 'trapped' in too many relationships. This site offers me a way to meet a number of really cool people (I'm still new here) and to interact with them in a distant but very deep way. I can be myself here (so far) and be accepted by people I will most likely never meet but will still grow to be fond of and concerned about.

I feel like I can be myself here and have brief but authentic and meaningful interactions with others,

Boy, aren't I talky here. Anyways, Hello. Mike

The Self in Exile site is still there. I have it bookmarked and just checked. Went through something similar and couldn't find it a few months ago. Then I was able to access it a page at a time using Google's cache. The only thing missing was the quadrant diagram. Hope this helps.

The Self in Exile front page is here. The quadrant diagram (and discussion of it) is on the Characteristics 1 page.

"Psychotherapy of the Schizoid Process" by Gary Yontef (Transactional Analysis Journal, Vol. 31, No. 1, January 2001) is here in PDF format (17 pages) or here as a blog repost (html).

Hi, Fool Zero, I just read some of the Self in Exile page. Someone else had referred me there once but I just wasn't very interested at the time; but I just read about "The Exile" and the hair stood up on the back of my neck. It put some stuff in perspective for me, let me tell you.

I had to stop reading after awhile, too much info!

Thanks for putting that out, FZ -- Mike

It's interesting how that Self In Exile site seems to be using a somewhat different perspective from the canonic one represented in, say, the DSM. Then again, when Yontef goes past the DSM-speak and gets down to the experiential nuts and bolts of working with his clients, his perspective sounds very different too.

I don't know if I'm schizoid or not. I've been in therapy (a long time ago) but never officially diagnosed with anything that I know of. A shrink whom I once worked for (in research) suggested I might be, and based on how I remember being in those days I'm inclined to agree with him. I avoid many of the same kinds of activities that schizoids are supposed to be afraid of but it doesn't feel to me as if I'm afraid of them, more like there's nothing there that I'm interested in. For instance, I generally have no use for parties but one friend of mine occasionally throws parties that I do enjoy, with guests I do like being with, and I'm always happy to go to hers.

People who self-describe as schizoid seem pretty real to me. When I read about schizoid process (Yontef) or self in exile or the false-self system (Laing) I find myself going, "Doesn't everyone do that to some extent? Don't some people get stuck doing it, unable to stop, while a lot of others get stuck doing other stuff to avoid it?"

Being schizoid (if I am) doesn't seem to get in my way at all; I like my friends, my friends like me, and in most areas of life that I am interested in I seem to operate a notch or two above average.

I do have one friend who, I suspect, has been working to overcome shyness or something. It used to be, maybe still is, an effort for her to work her way up to something like performing before an audience but once she gets there she gets a big kick out of it. She's sometimes invited me to participate in some of these activities with her; as with most things like that, I usually haven't been quite interested enough to bother. I often seem to see her projecting some of her own resistance onto me: "I'm not afraid, you are. Come on, go for it! Oh well, what could I expect from someone like you..." Actually, on the rare occasions when I do feel inspired to show off I seem to be comfortable doing it and pretty good at it; I just don't feel like it very often, nor miss feeling like it when I don't.

But enough about me -- unhijacking ripley's thread now, lol!

The parts of all the descriptive materials that ring most true for me are those that deal with one's internal environment. I am sure to most people I appear quite normal, if not very sociable. I have developed a very adaptive 'functional self' that carries me through daily social contacts. And I have been around long enough to know that temperamentally there are those of us who just don't need a lot of group social time in order to feel OK. Plus, I am smart, and I get bored with most mundane conversations. (Sounds arrogant, but it is a fact of life) But it is the inner sense of loneliness and disconnection that can be almost intolerable at times. And, sadly, my most emotionally fulfilling relationships are with characters on dramatic TV shows. Still, I get by for the most part. I can go for months on end without noticing how lonely I am. Just when it hits...as in when I connect to my own emotional centre...then I know I need help.

There...unhijacked from this end too

To give credit where credit is due, others (in this thread and and elsewhere) had mentioned the Self in Exile site before and I found I already had it bookmarked. Ratanddragon mentioned Gary Yontef's paper. All I did was track down both and post the links to them.

I made a point of saving copies of those pages in case they disappear or something.

[quote=cypher;1175654]Hello Ripley. I looked for the Self in Exile page and couldn't find it.

I don't think that having Schizoid P/D is so bad (but of course a schizoid would feel this way!). Just because we tend to be loners and disdainful of phony social games does not make us bad people. Indeed, I think that schizoids are really just radically authentic people who have a talent for 'being real' in a plastic society that fears honesty.

I liked the way you put that, I'd like to quote this, I think its often true can I use that as a quote??

try www.selfinexil.com