sad connections

At the risk of ending up talking to myself I will post this here, since it seems to be the most relevant place...I wrote this in my journal yesterday. Like most people I have a gap between therapy sessions right now, and this is hard stuff to just hold on to by myself for a couple of weeks.

At the mall today to buy some new snow boots, the place was crawling with high-school kids. Teenage girls, when I pass by them, make me cringe and avert my eyes. I think a normal person my age (49) would not react that way.

On my way home I was thinking about how I was forbidden to go to the mall after school. The couple of times I did I got in big trouble because it meant I was late getting supper on the table. That reminded me of something I read recently:

"The schizoid patient's subjective experience is not that of being a vital cog in the family system...rather, the experience is that of being a dehumanized, depersonalized function that can be called on the serve a purpose, any purpose and then can be consigned again to the back shelf until another service or function is required" That is from Masterson & Klein's Disorders of the Self..., the chapter on intrapsychic structures.)

My purpose was to cook supper 5 days a week and do the dishes afterwards, making sure to also sweep the kitchen floor. Weekends I was required to dust and vacuum the whole house, clean the bathrooms, and do the laundry including the ironing. If I did not do these things willingly, properly and promptly, there was hell to pay.

Other than all of that I really felt I was no use to anyone in my family. No one was at all interested in me, for me.

I highlighted the above quote the first time I read it, but I wasn't sure if it really fit. Today the truth of it is making me cry.

I have been connecting with a lot of stuff about my adolescence lately...I think it was the worst few years of my life.

Thanks for 'listening'.

It sure hurts to feel that one doesn't matter unless it's something that's needed from another person.
ripley

I can relate to this so so much. yes, dehumanized and depersonalized.......it's no wonder I struggle to connect with others. *sigh*

keep writing.... it can help to express yourself and receive support.

purple fins

Thanks for the replies

purple_fins,
I feel most connected to people when I am doing things for them. *sigh* Otherwise I have no idea why people want to spend time with me. I find myself wondering "what do they want?" My brother and sister are the exceptions. Over time I have become more connected to them, but it is still hard work and there is a lot they don't know about me.

You've been reading Klein! that book gave me so much understanding and insight too.

If you'd be interested, theres a study group - well, its in the early stages of forming, for people to share experiences and have support, at present we're basing on this book.

r.

(www.selfinexile.com )

thanks RiverX. Not sure how a study group would work, but keep me posted.