Hi, new here, not really sure about this part of me

Hello,

I am new here. I was diagnosed with mild Schizoid about 3 years ago. I really don't know that much about it other than I have it. I am also bipolar so it is weird. I just want to say hi and see if other people can relate?

I was an only child and never good at making friends. I go through phases where I just want to be alone and then I get so lonely I go crazy. I don't know if that makes sense. I don't like working in groups or asking for help. But at the same time I was always a "performer" as a kid. For example, I feel much better on a stage where 300 people are looking at me than in the crowd surrounded by people.

Also people don't seem to "get me." I always feel like I'm walking around with a big "There's something wrong with me, don't talk to me" stamped on my forehead. Even online I feel like I'm doing something weird and people are repelled... I just feel totally disconnected from people. I get aggitated easily with people and want to hide. I feel accused a lot or unwanted, but I think that's more the bipolar.

I'm really aloof a lot. Sometimes I think I'm really excited about something but my husband calls me "zombie," and accuses me of not showing any excitement? He is always saying things like, "there's that zombie face again." And I think I know what he means because I see it, too. In photos where I don't know if I'm in the pictures or home movies where I didn't know I was being filmed (although sometimes when I am aware, too.) Also recently we got a Kinect and it takes movies while you play. Well, I have a lot of fun, but in every video of me my face is totally blank. I don't get it.... I don't even know if this has anything to do with it...

Anyway, nice to meet you all.

Hey, dark heart. I'm not SPD as far as I know, just bipolar--but we've got quite a bit in common. Only child, prefer my own company, don't like groups, don't make friends easily (not all that interested), disconnected from people/society to some extent. Maybe a major extent.

So yeah, you've got company here. I hope you find the same sort of support I have, & if I can help any with the settling-in process just say so. Or if you don't want to ask for help, visit my page. I'll catch on <grin>.

Thanks.

I'm glad to find a place that has a lot more forums than just the normal few.

I know that schizoids can also be too open, too vulnerable, hence the withdrawal, or semi-withdrawal, do you think the 'blank' face is a sort of lack of communicativeness?

theres info here too: www.selfinexile.com

Bit of a late reply, but just wanted to introduce myself. I am diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and a schizoid "style"...quite a few symptoms but not enough for the full-blown diagnosis.

I'm afraid I can't completely relate to you, although our diagnoses are the same. Funny how that works! Although I feel different from most people and can have that "zombie face" as well, I am actually quite good at making friends. Never had any trouble with it, but simply don't WANT to make any friends. I cherish my alone time. I'm also an asexual, so I don't desire romantic relationships.

Like you, I despise working in groups, and used to be very comfortable doing speeches in front of many people.

Nice to see some more posts in the Schizoid forum, this place can be like a ghost town (no surprise there, though!)

I don't know if this fits the description or not, but sometimes I can be pretty withdrawn, and then other times I go completely overboard in social situations. I'm trying to find a middle ground. And I've heard for years that I need to smile more.

Ah the story of my life. Nothing is real except me. However people may consider me as being unreal, I know I view them as being unreal.
So yeah I don't feel like an alien but I am alienated.
And yes every day is the same as yesterday and tomorrow. nothing new.

SO just to play along "happy new years everyone"

I relate to everything you are saying. I feel different, like no one understands me and my ideas. I'm not good at making friends either, and when I do I drop or avoid them completely when they do something I don't like.
I hate working in groups or being around people I don't know. However, I am incredibly lonely. I want close relationships, I just don't know how to obtain them and keep them.
The part about your zombie face is what I connect with the most. My family calls it my "permanent ***** face". Even if I'm happy or excited, everyone asks me what's wrong or why I'm mad. What I'm feeling on the inside is never communicated through my expressions, so people always think I'm mean or angry.

Hi, Diane. Welcome to PsychCentral! dark_heart_x started this thread last November and may not see this--if not you might want to click on her avatar & leave a visitor msg on her profile page. Just thought since you felt a connection with you might want to touch base ... & her not responding here won't necessarily mean anything .
Roadie

I am so surprised my thread is still going a bit.

This is exactly how I feel. I want friends but I am not good at keeping them, or something happens and I want to shut them off. I feel very uncomfortable having to sit in a room with people, especially if I don't know them. I "seem" very outgoing. At work I play a role, but it is driven by this "I hate being in a room with people I don't know!" At home I am more comfortable with my family but I still often feel like an alien around them. I am very driven to want to hold onto my family, though.

I feel like I'm not sure what face I should be making. I tend to get that blank stare. Sometimes i'm better than others.

If you're trying to understand the secret schizoid here is a blog of such a person telling about his experiences. thesecretschizoid.wordpress.com

I can relate to this. I have a distinct outer and inner world. I have learned enough about social interactions to keep up appearances. But it is all a lie. But I choose to keep this up. I am married an I have a job. At both I always have my facade up. I don't know about your inner world, but sharing mine is just not an option. I have accepted this. I write a blog about my social interactions. Because of the social anhedonia and lack of empathy I have to keep up appearances. It is next to impossible to be honest about a lack of empathy. But at times is also has advantages. thesecretschizoid.wordpress.com

This is an old thread, thesecretschizoid, and I don't know whether dark_heart_x gets linked to it anymore. You might want to connect directly via a PM. Welcome to PsycCentral! I hope you find all the generosity of heart and great support here that I have.
Roadie

Actually, I did see this. I float around here sometimes, in the empty bored for people who do not desire to contact others.

^ this is why I question my diagnosis on this level. I do have empathy. I'm very empathetic. I'm clumbsy at showing it, though. I think I come off as fake. I am very emotional, but certain emotions I feel like they don't come out right. Or sometimes they come out right but then they don't.

Surprise is one. Empathy is another. Cheerfulness or happiness is another. I often have people ask me "What's wrong?" or say "What's the zombie face for?" When I'm content and happy. Or people get mad because they surprised me but I don't seem excited and surprised. These things I practice. I will think, "I was just surprised," So I will smile and say "yay!" in a happy way....

Not sure if that's how this goes or not.

Sorry for rambling or if I said that already.