Curious, looking for answers :]

Hello, I'm Ben and I'm looking for opinions I guess, or any advice or something. I'd best start with what kinda guy I am.

I'm 20 years old and about 3 years ago I was diagnosed with Aspergers, both my parents and myself had mixed feelings, for my parents I think they had doubts about the diagnosis, as both I and them suspected something else, but on the other hand they were just happy some kind of diagnosis had been made and were happy to leave it at that.

I'm a very very quiet person, extremely isolated from the world and pretty cold and unforgiving in my emotions. I rarely feel anything at all, and I have no desire/need for friendships/relationships, even within my family. I live alone on disability living allowance, and haven't socialised for years. My family are rarely allowed to see me, and I feel no remorse at all for the amount of upset and worry I give them. I spend all my time in my flat, curtains closed, desperate to remain anonymous in the world, just playing xbox/reading/watching TV. No friends, no loved ones, nobody I particularly care for at all, and as I said, it's incredibly hard for me to feel anything.

[Earlier years, school etc]
I didn't find enjoyment in people, I avoided all eye contact, I turned my body to shield the front of myself from people in my vicinity, as in my mind it made me harder to see [I despise being looked at]. I didn't like bright lights or the sun, for fear of it somehow 'illuminating me' and making me easier to see, I didn't talk much, saying rarely more than 20 words a day. Always leaving the room if someone spoke to me or drew attention to me. I was fearful of any sudden movements, or of talking at all, for fear of attracting attention [and looks] to myself, I thrived in being anonymous. I was punished heavily by teachers for being so laidback, and so refusing of participating in any activities. Any praise or criticism laid on me was brushed aside as nothing, other people's opinions and rewards/punishment meant nothing to me.

I'm extraordinarily self-conscious, no mirrors in my flat to see myself in, curtains closed 24/7 so nobody can look into my private world. I don't like any part of how I look or anything about myself phsyically.

I don't enjoy sex, I don't seek/desire/need sex. I'm more than happy to spend the rest of my life without it, as it's always more of an inconvenience than a pleasure.

I find myself not really caring about anything, I do what I like, when I like, with no outside influences to alter my perceptions and way of thinking. Life, death, lack of food, lack of personal hygiene, it all means nothing to me. I don't care for other people, their feelings, how I make them feel, even if my immediate family had something bad happen to them.

I know there should be more to life than what I have, I was in therapy for...about 2 years I think? But none of it made any difference, I'm not sure what the outcome of therapy is supposed to be? Something one of them said summed me up very well I think. 'You just exist, you don't live'

With all of the above, I've looked up by myself for a while what could/may be the problem with me, I'm very curious to what the outcomes are. The leading diagnosis seems to be Schizoid Personality Disorder, which I think fits the way I am and who I am very well. With a few traits of Avoidant Personality Disorder and Paranoid Personality Disorder, but neither of them anywhere near as strong as Schizoid.

Well, that's me I guess? Just...an introduction and looking for people who suffer anything similar? And indeed, what anybody thinks it might be I have :]

peace!

Your life style sounds familiar to others I met at schizoid net.
I view myself as schizoid but we as humans are all different. I do hope you find what you are looking for that brought you here.