Could my mom have this?

Hello, visiting here from the bp forum in search of insight regarding my mother...I'm wondering if she may have schizoid personality disorder (something I wouldn't dare bring up with her, but it would at least help me understand our relationship more). I'm wondering if anyone here identifies with this (sorry this is so long - hard to sum up a person in writing!):

My mother is very beautiful and smart (unusually so in both categories). She is known for her articulateness, grace, solitariness, and stoicism (she's a chemist). For us who are closer to her, she is also known for her inability to empathize and her absolute avoidance of self-disclosure - she literally keeps everything to herself, including major life events like being tested for cancer, splitting from her partner/my 'step'-dad, getting hit by a car etc. I'm an only child (now 28) and she has always been an extremely good mom in terms of supporting my life choices, education, in general just doing whatever she can to help me succeed and making it clear how much she believes in me. On the other hand she is completely unable to relate to me on an emotional level and though I know she loves me to death, I can tell she even feels uncomfortable touching me (she forces herself to sometimes, but it is clearly unnatural...) Because of this I felt very alone during my childhood.

I'm an incredibly emotional and impulsive person and she usually reacts to this either like a deer in the headlights, simply standing and staring at me as I throw myself against the wall, or feebly attempts to talk me out of my feelings (which she clearly doesn't relate to at all). Sometimes I will be sobbing and screaming at her on the phone and she will simply "change the subject" out of nowhere by asking me how my cat is ...it is very disorienting.

My mom has suffered a lot of trauma throughout her life. Her entire family has passed away in surprising and tragic ways and at very young ages. My father cheated on her and then left her for another woman. Now she is re-married (15 years later) to someone who makes no sense at all (my dad is an artist, this guy is a retired dr...and a total asshole, but that's another issue). It is obvious to everyone that they have no real connection, it's more like 'an agreement' - it's quite disturbing to see her playing her part. I can tell he's around the corner when I talk to her on the phone because her voice is different. In fact much of the time in social situations I feel she is acting, and is unaware of this. The only time she feels real to me is when we're alone for long periods of time and she is more relaxed (not 'on' for other people). She keeps everything to herself but at the same time is sure to be very polite, hospitable, overly helpful. She's told me that social situations exhaust her, however everyone likes talking to her.

She has confided in me that she empathizes with plants and animals more so than other people (she is indeed an excellent gardener!). She describes her inner life as 'incredibly rich' and is attracted to whimsy and fantasy. I guess she might be described as a little bit goofy/quirky - she's definitely odd, but not in a bad way. She loves to be alone and has almost no friends (a choice that is obviously hers, as she is well-liked), though she takes piano lessons and has one close girlfriend. She is incredibly dutiful, selfless, and stubborn (to the point of being almost irrational due to her rigidity) - she has obvious issues with control but does not impose this on others. For example, she can't do anything impulsive and does not like when a plan is disturbed, but she is the opposite of an overbearing parent - very 'hands off' (at times it was not enough). She works very hard to do and be good, so she is also very defensive. I believe she knows she cannot give me what I need in the emotion department so she makes up for it in other ways, by trying to make my life easier and better in the ways she knows how to.

I have seen her cry - and just one tear at that - only once in my life. The strong emotions of others make her very uncomfortable. As a teenger I cut my wrists on a daily basis for three years and she 'never noticed' (even though my school forced her to take me to the emergency room at one point). We never talked about it.

I always used to think she was just cold, but I don't think this is true. There is no question of her love or loyalty or anything like that - we talk almost everyday on the phone - but I wonder if she may be truly unable to connect with people in certain ways. Perhaps this is just 'normal' but different, i.e., not a 'disorder' but it feels so extreme to me, and I'm not alone here. It's like I want to shake her and wake her up and get her to come out of there!! I feel like an alien next to her, her reactions to me are almost surreal sometimes. I love my mom so much and I worry for her, especially because I know she would never confide me in if she was sad or confused or anything. How is it possible to be so close yet so unbelievably distant from someone at the same time?

I would like to hear your thoughts, not because I wish to 'diagnose' my mother, but so maybe I can understand her world more and adjust my expectations and treatment of her accordingly.

Thanks for reading this memoir of a post!

It sounds possible... maybe she just has some emotional walls put up as a result of her life and doesn't necessarily have schizoid or another disorder though. My mom is much that same way and it definitely impacted my life negatively... I'm sorry you had to go through that because I know it's really tough to have a mom that is emotionally cold and distant... I know my mom did her best and she's a good person - I don't hold it against her or resent her at all or anything, but it's hard to be a child in that situation.

She could have been born that way to some extent too. Maybe she has some aspergers-like qualities that make it tough for her to connect with people, or maybe it's all just defense mechanisms that result from her life and are entrenched in her personality.

I feel like I mention this concept a lot on here (I did to someone else earlier today) but you might find alexithymia interesting to look into. There is a good wikipedia article on it and other info online. It sounds like you might find it useful to consider in regards to her.

But it sounds plausible that she could be schizoid maybe (or like just schizoid-ish without actually having a PD). Or she could have some asperger's traits maybe, even if she doesn't have aspergers. The odd/quirkiness, social situations being exhausting, hard time connecting emotionally, stubbornness/rigidity, being a chemist, would fit into that as well (maybe not the graceful and articulate part though, hehe). That's kind of a leap though I guess...

She sounds like a good woman, though... maybe she is a little schizoid or a little aspergery or a bit of both. Or maybe she was born introverted with solitary tendencies and also went through a lot of crap in her life that has accentuated these traits and caused her to shut out emotions.

Anyways just throwing out ideas. Read the wikipedia article about alexithymia if you feel like it - it isn't a disorder but it sounds like she might fall into that category. Not sure if that's helpful but as I said my mom is similar in a lot of ways and it was tough for me growing up so I definitely can relate from that standpoint... she's not overly polite and hospitable though unfortunately

nowheretohide pretty much summed up what I was thinking. She very well could be Schizoid or something else like having Aspergers or just simply having some qualities of them.

Some of the things you mentioned sound a lot like myself. I'm actually really good in social settings and have a lot of er, social grace and people like me a lot. But it's all a facade so that people will leave me alone that also doesn't go against my morals (that everyone deserves respect). If I didn't have that moral I'd be very happy to just have 0 social grace at all and not fake it. I can't connect with people at all on an emotional level and choose to be a loner. I'm also quite odd and quirky, but this might not necessarily be a part of being Schizoid as that's not listed as a symptom or anything. You know her best, but personally I would be fine with someone bringing up something to me like this. If it fit I'd be intrigued, and if not I'd simply say it doesn't sound like me. I just don't get offended by anything - that takes emotions that I just don't really have.

Thanks both for your responses! I hadn't thought of the aspergers-esque traits...I did look up alexithymia, which I'd never heard of before, and 50% of the characteristics are right on and the other 50% totally off (the 'constricted imaginal processes' and 'externally oriented cognitive style' don't fit her at all).

I really appreciate your taking time to read this...even writing it out I think helped me pause and consider how she might feel on a daily basis (as I'm always on my own rollercoaster sometimes I forget to think about others...)

noewheretohide, sorry to hear you had some chills in your childhood also...

Since Schizoid Personality Disorder no longer exists (because it was removed from the DSM), your mom cannot have it. Since it no longer exists, none of us have it.