I have this, BUT I don't WANT TO "get better"

I used to be sooooo "sociable" and I liked being active with friends and I liked having boyfriends and getting a lot of attention.

I never knew, until recently what the heck my disorder was, but I've closed myself off from everything and everyone after years of abuse, many deaths, and then, when my son died, I got "way too" reclusive. My family has concerns, but they are not going to push me about it. They tried gently nudging and it just made me even worse.

I hide out. I don't date. I have no real sex drive (and I used to be overboard with that drive thing), I have a total "I don't give a rat's fanny" attitude about most anything and I do not like to leave home or be around people. I get very anxious when there is a crowd or there is company around. I fear "getting well". Being closed off (and living behind a keyboard) is MUCH SAFER. I am protecting myself from getting hurt again by not letting myself care again. Yes, I may miss out on "true love" but to me, it's not worth that risk. Love is over-rated and relationships are a pain in the arse.

I do realize that a lot of this is from depression, but I am a recluse. I love feeling safe inside the house.

Anyone else?

Thoughts?

• Well, I've got to get back to work. When I stop rowing, the slave ship just goes in circles.

Hello, RieRie123, and welcome to Psych Central! I can understand how it feels more comfortable to just shut away from other people.

Well, you may also be an avoidant. I'm also not for such a thing like "a cure" but just for sharing thoughts with similar schizoid-like people. Is there any prominent goal you've settled after what you mentioned?

I just joined PC and am glad to identify my lifelong (I am 72) schizoid personality disorder. I have all of the conditions you describe but not to their seriousness, but I think it is helpful to realize that there is comfort in being alone because it removes the pain of contact with others. So we can say that we are normal within OUR framework. It looks like it is difficult to change this, maybe many would enjoy talk therapy but I do not because the therapist is just going to say "express your feelings, talk to them"
Good luck

I recently found out that I have SPD. I am so happy to finally put a name to what has been tormenting me since I was a young child. It`s part genetic and part society. I believe that for me, I got this way because I was born with an extreme social anxiety, chronic worrying, depression. Young children shouldn`t feel that way. So as you get older you learn how to hide these feeling around people in an attempt to appear 'normal'. So in turn, I have an expressionless face, and I fanaticize about things to escape reality. Now I am almost 30 and I have no desire to do anything. I don`t want to have a single encounter with another human. I play video games, read, worry, think, go from feeling things are ok to depressed in a second. Now I am completely dependent upon a society in which I fear. Not because I am cruel, but because IM JUST SO ANXIOUS. Sometimes I wish that people would really understand what I go through everyday. I DON`T WANT TO GET BETTER either because there is no way to get better. I`ve tried medications, therapy, etc. I wish there was some kind of cure for all of us who go through this. But I`m kind of happy I know that it`s not just me and that I finally can put a name to what disorder I have.

Geez, Crow, every topic I go to, you have the same story as I do, haha.

Cygnus, you describe an excellent perspective - being normal within our framework.

There is much of me, especially since finding out I had SPD and wasn't broken somewhere, that does not want to get better. Meaning, there are many parts I don't want to "fix."

It's certain extremities I wish I could eliminate, I guess. It's completely frustrating and debilitating to be anxious as hell before, during, and after just getting in the car and going to buy groceries. To constantly be looking for ways out of any social event. To not be able to work and pull my own financial weight. To be cripplingly depressed while I'm alone.

I don't want to be "more social" or more in touch with my emotions or some crap. I don't want to want to be around other people. I just don't see why I should have to. That's a big piece too. Everyone makes us feel like we should and that we have to or we're broken. Commence more anger and resentment. We don't tell them to stop being social, do we? LEAVE US ALONE! Haha. ...But seriously.

Your posts describe me and how I think so well. Haha! Reading through your responses has been a breath of fresh air, I can really identify with what you write.

I can relate to this quite a bit. I used to be more outgoing, more daring, more carefree, even reckless in my youth. I got hurt a lot, real bad, and after a traumatic event, I became a different person, and I don't mind a bit. I don't want to be out there anymore. I don't want to let others in. I don't care about anyone, really, except my children.

I realized that I am on my own here in the universe and nobody cares about me more than me. I have to protect myself. Most people do not know this about me: I purposefully choose to be a recluse. I don't want others' drama in my space. I don't want to have to pretend to care. I am not going to do anything about it or help them, so I don't want to hear about it, and I don't care that I don't care.

God isn't going to protect me, that is clear. I was a child and God did not protect me, though my mother prayed every day. I know too many adults who were tortured as children and God did not protect them. So I teach my children to teach their children to exercise wisdom and protect yourself. The world is full of liars, schemers, manipulators, predators. Yes, there is a LOT of GOOD in the world too, and I see the beauty in many, from a distance, and appreciate it for all its worth.

Why am I here, in this forum? I believe my son has SPD. I want to understand him better. That's all.

Thank you for shedding light on the subject.