Do you think this is schizoid PD?

I was always a pretty detached person but I was also able to enjoy some fun with some friends as a kid and as a teenager. I had some superficial crushes on guys as well. Well, really superficial short lasting stuff but it was at least there. At age 18 all that somehow changed. I felt so disconnected from the world and people, I did not even want to see people anymore because my energy would just mysteriously get drained if around them. And the feeling of being disconnected was crap too, it was almost tangible. Also felt empty inside, no emotions anymore. Forget about being interested in guys too..

What was going on around that time, I went to a new high school, after running away from the previous one due to having enough of really bad conflicts. The people were initially nice welcoming in the new school but then just not much happened. I did not feel involved in anything even though I did befriend two girls. I did feel involved in the previous high school, I was sort of friends with a couple girls and had some other interactions, I did have many conflicts but it also allowed me to feel involved, lol.

At the same time I started the new high school, I tried two romantic relationships, my first two attempts, short lived. I'll go into details on that, I had some crush for the first guy but pretty weak, it was not constant... I did like his physical looks which helped but I was also anxious about the whole kissing and love thing. Then it didn't help that he soon stopped seeing me, I remember I didn't even understand that as he was not direct enough in telling me that.. I however remember I was still normal in an emotional sense, e.g. I felt some visceral resentment afterwards, well, until I recognized its source because then it no longer made sense to have the resentment and I shut it down.

The second guy, I no longer felt normal with him, I had strong initial interest but I couldn't connect with him, instead I just started feeling disconnected around him. Just like with other people at the same time. Same period of a couple months in the same year (it was October-November). I was still anxious about the kissing and the whole love thing. Nothing he did alleviated that, he didn't do much tbh or it didn't affect me at least. We ended the relationship early January next year.

Don't know if this has anything to do with all of this, but around the same time, I was also starting to delve into some theoretical topics that got me interested and started learning a new language too that really took my attention. I was analysing things I did not analyse before. Even my usage of my own native language changed, I became more analytical and theoretical overall.

OK so I was really disconnected from everything around me along with that intolerable energy drain and I could not go on like that anymore. As a temporary solution, from the end of that January I stayed home for half a year from the last year of high school. Then I went on to study at college/university (up to MA), I avoided visiting the courses as much as I could, I felt so terrible even just walking around in the corridors of the university building.

The terrible disconnect and energy drain stuff somehow resolved itself over time by my just staying at home all the time. (I never worked at a workplace, just did remote work.) Well and maybe also because I met many people due to a little business I was doing on the side in my twenties. At least I noticed such frequent contact with many different people (one on one) made me feel more comfortable around them.

Other than that, I still feel very different from my old pre-18 self, I spent so many years in isolation. Recently I decided I should try developing friendships IRL. I then found myself overly emotionally involved in a way I found hard to regulate. I'm getting better at that, I think... it's just such a hard pain in the ***.

I still don't feel like I am good at connecting with anyone. I feel like I've completely forgotten how things were when they were more normal, what sort of actions I should do as normal people do it, etc. Though I find that with certain people I'm more comfortable, people who make a situation clear enough in terms of how they accept me, are fine with the way I express myself and are able to make me have some fun for real.

As for romantic relationships, I still dread the thought of making intentional attempts at finding someone. I've tried a couple long term relationships where I could hardly experience any connection unfortunately. With the first person I was just anxious about how it should be good, how I should feel some emotions, feel in love and failing and feeling like I was missing something overall. With the second person, I was able to feel some warm bond at times but not much beyond that.

After those two relationships failed, I also had a month long relationship where for some reason shiit really got stirred inside me, I would feel stuff I never felt before, though it was not love, it was just some strong emotions. It didn't make sense, tbh... I didn't feel anything for the guy himself though and when I just could not see it going anywhere, I dumped him.

That shiit is still stirred though, lol. Since I met that guy, I got some periods where I got some really dysregulated emotionality, positive, negative alike, I think I've mostly got it under control by now though. Unless I'm wrong and this control is just temporary... I hope not. As I don't want this emotionality stuff.

What is this? If in your opinion I'm in the wrong forum, please tell me. Thanks.

You're not in the wrong forum since you're asking about SPD. So you're good. Is it possible you have SPD? I think so. If nothing else it sounds like you can relate to certain aspects of it. I'm guessing you've seen the diagnostic criteria for it since you're asking and have noticed, yourself, that you relate to some degree.

Do you have it? Not even the best psychiatrist could really tell you on a forum (you may already understand that). If you've ever had a chance to see the DSM-IV or V you'll see how big it is. There's a lot of overlap between disorders, so differential diagnosis would be needed from someone who can sit down and talk to you face-to-face.

It sounds like this is affecting your life enough to warrant actually doing that if you so desire. Getting a diagnosis from a qualified professional, I mean.

Thanks for the reply. Frankly though, I'm tired of dealing with psychologists/psychiatrists. They either just want to give you medication or after quite a few sessions already paid for, it turns out they can't help you due to not having the right qualifications or they don't have time for regular enough appointments or I just don't mesh well with them, etc. I am also skeptical about psychotherapy being efficient especially at the price it comes at for one hour of talking. It's a really really inefficient use of time. Surely there are other options?

I'm going to post this here too because maybe it doesn't belong in the BP forum. Anyone got any thoughts?

I was basically told this first and then my reply is below:

Quote:

You say you don't want to be isolated anymore-that doesn't sound like schizoid PD. PwSPD have a hard time interpreting human interactions and prefer to be alone. Having to interact with people can cause anxiety and drain their energy. I don't think the desire for isolation would go away without treatment, if at all.

Yes I had exactly that a long time ago. Anxiety, energy drain. Specifically for a few years I had incredible energy drain if around people. That started up when I was 18. I could not go to school or to a workplace. I stayed in isolation for 10+ years overall. (I did remote work.) I no longer have that sort of energy drain somehow, it went away after enough rest I suppose. The desire for isolation did not go away on its own though, it only changed 4 years ago when I ran into some guy who I tried to have a relationship with. That relationship lasted for a month but I never fell in love or anything, just the initial contact made me feel like I was connected.. for a short time or something. I never had that experience before I think? Not even before I was 18 and my normal default self. Then I just changed into this crazy and moody person afterwards lol and no longer wanting isolation. I'm 32 now btw if I didn't mention that.

...Does this sound like some messed up form of SPD? I'll add, I do still like being alone a lot but it's no longer as simple as just spending time on my own :| I wish it was.

It sounds like you've had some not-so-great doctors before. I can understand how you'd want to avoid that, then, that's fair enough!

One of the defining factors in SPD is a lack of desire for human connections. So, if that's something you desire but you avoid because of anxiety... my guess would be that it's not likely to be SPD. That is a part of several other disorders, however. What you'd have specifically can depend on many different factors.

You mentioned you had reservations about therapy. Therapy isn't (or shouldn't be) just you talking to someone for a while like paying for a sounding board. You may be interested in checking out DBT. It's a highly effective type of therapy for a lot of people that has a lot of scientific studies to back it up. You may be interested in this article 9 Myths and Facts About Therapy | Psych Central
It also doesn't always have to be that expensive if money is an issue. There are usually options for people who can't afford as much.
Either way, I'd encourage you to at least check out the possibility of it. It's really helped a lot of people.

There's always self-help books you can go to and coming on these forums the way you are is really great as well.

Eh after age 18, I didn't ever have a strong desire for relationships. Before 18, I was normal with ability to hang out and have fun with 1-2 friends. I lost that ability when I turned 18. Never successful in romantic relationships either. That was not about anxiety and then avoiding relationships due to having anxiety, it is the opposite, that is, if I was trying to connect with someone romantically then I would get a problem with that, I was just doing it because I thought I should but I never felt the real desire.

I still don't really feel the desire but I just think I should... I feel like I'm missing something otherwise. It is not an emotional feeling when I say I'm missing something. Just I do want what others have for a full life. Does that make sense to you? This is how I was from 18 until 28. That part of my life is where I was closest to matching SPD. At 18 specifically, I fully matched SPD criteria for a while.

From 28, I've changed to be just unstable and unmotivated in isolation. The fun thing is that at 18 I was motivated for my projects while happy being isolated. Now, it's not like that.

It's like some mental or emotional vulnerability got touched on 4 years ago :| that was safely buried until then.

What do you think? Does that ever happen to people with SPD? According to what I read about SPD, the schizoid is just good at "forgetting" about having and fulfilling their desires in actual reality but it does not always have to remain forgotten and buried. I didn't see too much on this topic though.

Thanks for the tips etc.