So This Is What I Have

I think I've been this way for so long, I don't know how to be any differently. I don't feel I am on the extreme side of the spectrum where I am completely devoid of all emotion. I smile. Even if my emotional expression is somewhat limited, I smile enough and put enough expression on my face in most situations to pass as normal. People think I'm very sweet, cute but extremely introverted because I am. While I have friends...well, two real life friends off the internet. I have a few online friends too, but I don't feel a deep connection with any of them. But I guess emotionally I am very fond of them and appreciate them.

For the first time in 7 years I developed romantic feelings for someone. That's uh....a long, complicated story I'm not getting into. But I thought my ability to feel that way about someone was dead in me. So these emotions were jarring and came as an utter shock to my entire system. And I'm still trying to figure out what to do with them, because I just....have no idea. I'm not sure it's love, possibly, but it's....I don't know. I thought it was impossible for me to feel this way. There's so much I don't understand.

Social situations are the hardest. Though I do extremely well at work. In fact, my one manager offered to let me stay at her spare apartment if it meant keeping me through the holidays because they needed me. I was flabbergasted. And touched that I'm so valued. But social rules...especially professional social rules escape me. I have no prior experience to base my behavior on. I'm just....winging it to the best of my ability. Humiliate myself on occasion. But I guess we all do that, right? I'm just so....introverted and painfully shy. Everyone seems to like me though. So I must be doing something right. I went a year unemployed. Staying in the house, hiding from the world. Before that I worked two years in a sheltered workshop. Before that I didn't work at all, and stayed away from society. So I spent almost 5 years separate from the rest of the world....I'm trying to get my bearing and figure everything out.