Good at faking it

Tabby23 · Dec 29, 2016 at 08:01 PM

I am, I guess, a pretty good faker, but grow tired of plastering a smile on my face.
A good example is all the women in my office get all excited over new babies in their families. Well, I'm kinda like.. Oh how wonderful for you. But I cannot relate to how they feel. I don't get that way over my own grandchildren.
I would never begrudge someone anything that makes them happy. I just don't seem to be able to feel happy for them.
I'm smiling along with people, but in my mind, I'm thinking I don't really care, now go away and leave me alone.
I can only tolerate people in small doses and I don't even like to have people in my home. I can't relax, no matter how well I know them.
Socializing is best done away from my home when I can leave after I feel I've spent the appropriate amount of time.
I can't say that I dislike people. I just have a low tolerance for the drama that is their every day lives.
It's troubling because from time to time I do wish I had a friend or confident. But I usually end up feeling as if people are crowding me and then I avoid them.
I clearly cannot have it both ways.
Am I alone in how I feel?

Skeezyks · Dec 30, 2016 at 07:58 PM

Hello Tabby23: The Skeezyks is pretty-much thoroughly solitary. I neither seek nor want friends... or even acquaintances. I am married. But I even mostly keep my wife at arm's length. I'm not against socializing. I'm merely against me socializing. I like to say I'm not anti-social... just non-social. Would it be nice to have a friend or confidant? Sure. And sometimes I wish I had one. But realistically, when it came right down to it, I wouldn't really want to be bothered. I just prefer to be left alone.

kecanoe · Dec 31, 2016 at 12:12 PM

I also do not feel very much when it comes to other people's joys or sadness. That is a trait of SPD, I believe. I have one friend that I am close to. Sometimes I tell her stuff and sometimes I want her at arms length. Fortunately she is cool with that.

TrailRunner14 · Dec 31, 2016 at 01:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tabby23

I am, I guess, a pretty good faker, but grow tired of plastering a smile on my face.

A good example is all the women in my office get all excited over new babies in their families. Well, I'm kinda like.. Oh how wonderful for you. But I cannot relate to how they feel. I don't get that way over my own grandchildren.

I would never begrudge someone anything that makes them happy. I just don't seem to be able to feel happy for them.

I'm smiling along with people, but in my mind, I'm thinking I don't really care, now go away and leave me alone.

I can only tolerate people in small doses and I don't even like to have people in my home. I can't relax, no matter how well I know them.

Socializing is best done away from my home when I can leave after I feel I've spent the appropriate amount of time.

I can't say that I dislike people. I just have a low tolerance for the drama that is their every day lives.

It's troubling because from time to time I do wish I had a friend or confident. But I usually end up feeling as if people are crowding me and then I avoid them.

I clearly cannot have it both ways.

Am I alone in how I feel?

No. you are not alone. It gives me comfort to read your post to know that I'm not alone either.

My oldest recently got married and have a baby on the way. When they shared the news of it with me, I tried very hard to appear "excited" as everybody else was. Yes. I was and am happy and my heart is so happy for them. I just don't know how to express that in the way that it seems most people do. I feel like that part of me has been shut down or hidden from the outside world.

I also have a hard time around other people and the drama they make of life. But, as I've had healing in many places of my broken past, it's become a bit easier for me to tolerate. It is still very draining to me and I can only tolerate it in small doses.

Visiting someone in their "space" is much more comfortable because I have the ability to be able to leave when my tolerance level has run out.

I'm hopeful that as I keep working through my broken places, I will be able to feel and share more emotions, instead of just pretending they are there.

((( hugs ))) to you, if that's ok.

You are not by yourself.

jrae · Mar 28, 2017 at 01:24 AM

you're not alone and I do understand.

last year, my younger sister got married. it was held in a city three hours away. rehearsal was Thursday night, off on Friday, and Saturday was the wedding (pics at 4pm and ceremony at 6pm). I was at an outdoor music festival Thursday and Friday, by myself. without that 'me' time, I would have never made it through.

I spent the first night at my other sister's house, and my parents stayed there too. the second night, I stayed in a hotel room with my parents (to save on costs). by the time the reception was over at like 11pm-ish Saturday night, I was completely ready to get the h*** out of there. even though that meant I wouldn't get back until like 3am!!

my parents (and sister) kept asking if I was staying for the gift opening sunday morning and it hurt me that they kept on badgering me about it. but I had to leave, couldn't explain it any other way. I was sooo messed up that for like the first half-an-hour to an hour of the trip, I cried! and I haven't cried in many months.

but I was there at the wedding & wedding-related activites, and I was smiling and doing small talk with random people here and there, and even helped out with my 2 yo niece. but just like you said, you require that alone time!

and just like you mentioned, I have wondered what it would be like to actually have friends / a social life (maybe even a byfnd), to be happy around others, to actually enjoy it instead of it being an affliction (or something like that).

my grandmother is 96 years old. and I have a few times apologized to her, saying I'm sorry that she won't be at my wedding! she probably thinks I'm joking, but I totally serious.

Dec 04, 2017 at 09:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tabby23

I am, I guess, a pretty good faker, but grow tired of plastering a smile on my face.
A good example is all the women in my office get all excited over new babies in their families. Well, I'm kinda like.. Oh how wonderful for you. But I cannot relate to how they feel. I don't get that way over my own grandchildren.
I would never begrudge someone anything that makes them happy. I just don't seem to be able to feel happy for them.
I'm smiling along with people, but in my mind, I'm thinking I don't really care, now go away and leave me alone.
I can only tolerate people in small doses and I don't even like to have people in my home. I can't relax, no matter how well I know them.
Socializing is best done away from my home when I can leave after I feel I've spent the appropriate amount of time.
I can't say that I dislike people. I just have a low tolerance for the drama that is their every day lives.
It's troubling because from time to time I do wish I had a friend or confident. But I usually end up feeling as if people are crowding me and then I avoid them.
I clearly cannot have it both ways.
Am I alone in how I feel?

No you're not. I'm resurrecting this cause this is exactly how I feel. I'm coming to the conclusion that I've been misdiagnosed in the past and believe I'm on the schizoid spectrum somewhere.

In reading Millon's Personality Disorders In Modern Life, I identify with the Remote Schizoid variant the most.

But what you said describes me nearly word for word.

Quote:

THE REMOTE SCHIZOID Although more characteristic of the avoidant personality development, children subjected to intense hostility and rejection very early in life may protectively withdraw so completely that their native capacity for feeling and relating to others becomes permanently reduced. Here, youngsters otherwise capable of normal interpersonal adjustment learn that such desires and emotions yield only anguish and disillusionment. Unlike the basic schizoid, some capacity for feeling and relating remains with the remote schizoid, but the wish for affective bonding has been so completely repressed that it no longer enters conscious awareness. Remote schizoids who are more severely impaired may also possess features of the schizotypal personality. Such individuals are often seen among the homeless, the chronically institutionalized, and the residents of halfway houses. Whereas the basic schizoid is aloof and insensitive to emotional experience, remote schizoids may express a measure of social anxiety as well as frequent behavioral eccentricities, autistic thinking, and depersonalization. At best, their low self-esteem and deficits in social competence allow them only a peripheral, but dependent, role in interpersonal and familial relationships. Most seek solitude and go through life as detached observers closed off from sources of growth and gratification. Some earn a marginal livelihood in low-status jobs, but most follow a meaningless, ineffectual, and idle pattern, drifting aimlessly on the periphery of social life. Many are totally dependent on public support.

I was diagnosed with Avpd before, and according to Millon, the remote schizoid features avoidant traits and retains some capacity for feeling.

And that description describes me word for word too.

It's nice to have some answers though. And 4 years of therapy and several therapists could not provide them.

I was far more avoidant in the first 21 years of my life, though. Regardless, I've lacked empathy as long as I can remember, and I don't know if that could be related to any PD, or if it might be something more neurological.

stopchewinggum · Dec 06, 2017 at 08:11 AM

Personally, I wouldn't give up my fantasy life. I mean, if it were getting in the way of my work, I'd I have to work on limiting myself. Giving it up though? That's a no go.

hermitbydestiny · Dec 15, 2017 at 01:20 PM

I feel much the same. I am old enough now to have seen through my fake attempts to be neuro-typical in personality development AND have finally acknowledged and accepted that I am what I am. 'Fake it till you make it' is a slogan that does not work for me. The one fantasy I have left, though, is in wanting to be a good enough grandma in whatever that means within my limited capacity. Any others struggling with that notion?

hermitbydestiny · Dec 15, 2017 at 03:27 PM

... it might be something more neurological.[/QUOTE]

I've come to the same conclusion that there is something neurological going on; however, that science is fairly new so is limited in having enough trained therapists around who are knowledgeable in the navigation within it.

In my experience, therapists don't like dealing with me when I mention my probability of personality disorders due to earlier attachment disorders. Therapists are humans who like to see results, and let's face it, those of us unable to feel empathy have a hard time implementing the 'tools' offered by a therapist for current social involvement. So, neurologically, how can we develop neurologically from the ground up when we are adults? I feel that I need actors who will stand in as pseudo parents, siblings, friends, etc. so neuroplasty can take place. Meanwhile, I plod along 'as is' and am thankful for deeper understanding in the ways that are available.

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kecanoe Grand Magnate Member Since Aug 2008 Location: Illinois, USA Posts: 3,052 16 7,192 hugs given	Dec 31, 2016 at 12:12 PM #3 I also do not feel very much when it comes to other people's joys or sadness. That is a trait of SPD, I believe. I have one friend that I am close to. Sometimes I tell her stuff and sometimes I want her at arms length. Fortunately she is cool with that.
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stopchewinggum Member Member Since Apr 2015 Location: Somewhere Lost in My Head Posts: 289 9 12 hugs given	Dec 06, 2017 at 08:11 AM #7 Personally, I wouldn't give up my fantasy life. I mean, if it were getting in the way of my work, I'd I have to work on limiting myself. Giving it up though? That's a no go. __________________ One Step Into Nihilism, One Step Into Inner Peace My Personal Blog Mental Queries (Personal Non-Journal Type Blog. Most philosophy type of things.)
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