[moroboshi]

How is your ability to comfort others ?

Are you awe struck if someone breaks out in tears ?

Are you trying to use `logical` arguments ?

Do you freeze ?

[Skeezyks]

Hello moroboshi: I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral ... from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

I'll share a brief incident that occurred with me recently. I was at the veterinary hospital & clinic with my dog. I was walking him around outside giving him the opportunity to do what he needed to do, so to speak. There was a side door near where we were walking. Suddenly a middle-aged couple came bursting out of the door, crying. Startled, I said: "How are you?" They said they had just had their dog put to sleep (as it is often phrased) whereupon they began to cry all the harder.

I'm a pretty reclusive person. I seldom have much of anything to do with anyone. So comforting others is not my long suit, as the saying goes. I told them that yes I knew what they were experiencing because I had had a dog put to sleep a few years back at the same clinic. They said they'd be getting another dog & I agreed that the good thing is there's always another dog that's in need of a good home. And that was about it. But I walked away wishing I had walked my dog somewhere else.

[Timaabmfo]

The last time something like that happened i gave them a hug and said a bunch of meaningless sentiments like "there, there, its going to be ok, youre ok". I may be good at faking emotions but im not so good with this kind of stuff.

Faking emotions is easy, but keeping up a facade (more than short term) of showing interest and empathy when you have none, is hard and it's draining.

[Teddy Bear]

I wish I was better at comforting others.

[neckbones]

I’m really not good at comforting others so I either fake it till they move on or I️m just like,,,,,,, “that’s rough buddy”

[Timaabmfo]

call me heartless but i struggle to empathise with others because its just all too foreign.

[hermitbydestiny]

The definition of comforting others has changed over the years. I used to try to fix them by offering advice, like my core family did as motivated through shame-based blaming, etc., which didn't help. Got into therapy and received from her the real way to comfort: listening and guiding me back to my own intuitive answers through caring questioning. Hmmmm...Then I took an online course through compassioncourse.org and found out that empathy is the feeling of having been heard. Truly heard. And visa versa, like a dance.

So now I recognize my own feeling first by asking myself if I feel anxiety? do I have time and/or want for this interaction? Acknowledging my own feelings FIRST is authenticity with a dose of self-empathy. Then I have something to offer that's worthwhile...Like saying, I'm feeling stressed by your needs because I have another appointment, and would like to get back with you when I have more time to listen without being rushed? Or here's the hard one: I feel triggered by this topic and won't be able to listen through it given my own anxiety. If you don't have someone else you can go to, may I recommend my therapist? If I choose to listen, then I listen with my eyes, ears and whole being until I feel the shut-off switch inside, then I say that I'm maxed and go about resetting our meeting for another day, or wrap it up once the person feels truly heard.

Finding an empathy buddy is a selective process. Not everyone qualifies. It is my job to not expect everyone to drop what they are doing because I need them to. We all suffer. We all find inner courage in bits and pieces. To expect any one person (even a therapist) to fill the bill is unrealistic in my experience.

[Fuzzybear]

[CelestialFlame]

I pretty much just sit/stand there awkwardly and try to make a break for it with the excuse that they need some space. Sometimes I try to comfort them and it’s usually through material items like making them food or putting a funny show/video on. Mostly I only try to comfort them if they’re my close family members. If not then I just leave because I don’t understand why they are responding like that and it’s too awkward to stay.

[sarahsweets]

I am very good at comforting and being calm in a crisis unless it has to do with my kids. I will do everything to take care of my kids but I know that I am mom so I can easily get overwhelmed.

[nicoleflynn]

I am good at comforting others...people in pain want someone to listen; we cannot fix it, but we can be gentle and listen and ask good questions....such as....how can I help?

[saidso]

Originally Posted by hermitbydestiny

The definition of comforting others has changed over the years. I used to try to fix them by offering advice, like my core family did as motivated through shame-based blaming, etc., which didn't help. Got into therapy and received from her the real way to comfort: listening and guiding me back to my own intuitive answers through caring questioning. Hmmmm...Then I took an online course through compassioncourse.org and found out that empathy is the feeling of having been heard. Truly heard. And visa versa, like a dance.

So now I recognize my own feeling first by asking myself if I feel anxiety? do I have time and/or want for this interaction? Acknowledging my own feelings FIRST is authenticity with a dose of self-empathy. Then I have something to offer that's worthwhile...Like saying, I'm feeling stressed by your needs because I have another appointment, and would like to get back with you when I have more time to listen without being rushed? Or here's the hard one: I feel triggered by this topic and won't be able to listen through it given my own anxiety. If you don't have someone else you can go to, may I recommend my therapist? If I choose to listen, then I listen with my eyes, ears and whole being until I feel the shut-off switch inside, then I say that I'm maxed and go about resetting our meeting for another day, or wrap it up once the person feels truly heard.

Finding an empathy buddy is a selective process. Not everyone qualifies. It is my job to not expect everyone to drop what they are doing because I need them to. We all suffer. We all find inner courage in bits and pieces. To expect any one person (even a therapist) to fill the bill is unrealistic in my experience.

That is so cool and helpful hermitbydesting. I do know all that but I forget when I see other people with different comforting styles and compare myself with them. For example, I empathise much more easily with friends than I do with complete strangers. I especially like your last two paragraphs.

[katydid777]

Originally Posted by moroboshi

How is your ability to comfort others ?

Are you awe struck if someone breaks out in tears ?

Are you trying to use `logical` arguments ?

Do you freeze ?

I am very good at this, but very bad for my self! For several weeks now, things have been very bad for me, and most of last year had been the same. I wish I could do for my self, that I am able to do for others!